According to some very expensive market research we conducted, this Halloween more than 75 percent of Cracked readers are planning on dressing up as Napoleon Dynamite, again. As we lament the sad state of America's proudest holiday, inevitably the question arises, "How do the Germans practice Halloween? Are they much better at it than us? Like they are with pornography?"
It turns out that the answer is no. Despite their mastery of over the top, noholds-barred erotica, the German people have little to no skill at coming up with Halloween costumes that aren't baffling or terrifying. Below we illustrate the most unsettling examples we could find.
"Of course you can use the phone; he's standing over there. Oh, you, uh, have to dial zero to get an outside line. I know it's normally nine. It's weird. No, you'll have to press harder than that; it's a little sticky."
This is a pretty typical entry in the canon of unsettling German Halloween costumes. The combination of a grey, felt suit and a bizarrely realistic head, make this look like something out of a dream sequence in a David Lynch film.
Here's the great emancipator, who, judging by his expression, is scheming up ways to emancipate children from their clothes.
A kangaroo costume isn't a bad idea if you're attending a party, as it gives you a convenient place to store food and drink. We'll tell you from experience, reaching into your nether regions and pulling out a handful of onion dip is a great way to make conversation. Or, end it.
If we're being generous, we'll assume this is a friendly tadpole costume, and not a green sperm costume. Although, we're frankly leaning towards the latter, given that it's carrying around a towel, possibly to wipe itself off a magazine.
We're not entirely sure what the cane adds to this costume. We guess it's a good way to class it up a bit, and probably comes in handy if you need to fend off the cell phone guy when he gets too grabby.
In classical mythology, Neptune is one of the mightiest Gods, second only to Zeus in power. In Germany, he's a skinny, lime-green Santa Claus.
Most people have heard that David Hasselhoff is extremely and unreasonably popular in Germany, but few know that Alf enjoys a similarly successful music career there, as well. This is because many Germans mistakenly believe the two are related.
According to the website we found it on, this costume is called "America Boy." Given that the costume is covered in the Union Jack, this is a title that misses the mark by just a whisker.
This is actually a pretty good example of the kind of geographical blunder Americans are always getting blamed for.
In German culture, the teddy bear is terrible authority figure used to warn children about the dangers of constipation.
Continue the freak show!
Read page two for The Fish, The Frog, and the Failures.