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Drunken celebrities are the very lifeblood of Internet video. YouTube would be a dark, lonely place without them.

In CRACKED's never-ending mission to bring a sense of class and dignity to the Web, we look beneath the surface to present the life lessons we can learn when famous people drink themselves into a stupor.

11
"Ah, the French ..."

The Clip:
Orson Welles films a commercial for Champagne, and, always the model of integrity, has insisted on sampling several bottles beforehand.

Highlights:
In the actress' quick glance into the camera at 0:21, you can see her clearly dreading what is about to come. Then, a minute into the video, Orson has nearly dozed off and wakes up to the "action" call from the director with a startled, "Mwaahaaa the French ..."

What Makes It Poignant:
At 25, he wrote and directed Citizen Cane Kane, still considered by countless snobs the best movie ever made. After that, there's apparently not a lot left to do with your life other than pit obesity and alcoholism against each other in a race to stop your heart.

Stop and smell the roses, guys. This is what happens when you peak too early.

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10
"You a pirate, man."

The Clip:
Kiefer Sutherland proves he is a pirate by boarding what he believes to be an enemy ship.

Highlights:
Kiefer's response to the assertion that he is a pirate is easily the best possible response he could have given. We tried to think of a better one, but all we could come up with was "That explains all the scurvy and gay sex," which doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

What Makes It Poignant:
This is actually a clip from I Trust You to Kill Me, a documentary following Kiefer's band on tour. The poignancy becomes apparent when you learn that he's not the frontman for this band, or even the double bassist. No, he is the road manager.

Look, Hollywood, we need to believe in Jack Bauer. We need to believe that if a dirty bomb is about to explode in L.A., there's a Jack Bauer out there who can stop it by killing 135 people in a single frantic day. It does not help us to see Jack Bauer as a 40-year-old frat boy, trying desperately to cling to the rock-band fantasy of his youth and flinging himself into Christmas decorations to prove what a wild, rocking guy he is.

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9
"I'm ugly ... and my jaw hurts."

The Clip:
Sporting a white tank top and trucker hat to obscure, and yet ironically highlight, her identity, world-famous hillbilly Britney Spears waxes poetic to then-lover Federline about her hopes, regrets and the movie Spawn.

Highlights:
When she complains that her touring schedule has caused her to miss out on "things, and ... things" it's hard not to picture a reality TV producer off camera madly scribbling on oversized cue cards.

Warning: Britney's bizarre, jerky body movements starting at about 2 minutes might make you instinctively fling your hands up to protect your face.

What Makes It Poignant:
This clip is moving and disconcerting. The moving part comes when you view it as a portrait of someone who has about six layers of smoked glass between her and reality. She understands vaguely that her sheltered, shallow existence is causing her to miss out on normal life, but she can only articulate this condition via monosyllabic outbursts, haunting questions about the possibility of time travel and the occasional lonely, wailing belch.

As for the disconcerting part, how fucking weird is it to see a clip where Kevin Federline strikes you as the informed, level-headed one in the room? Well, maybe until the last 4 seconds, anyway.

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8
"Only in America ..."

The Clip:
A pre-Presidential George W. Bush gets his drink on and chats with the least-investigative journalist, ever.

Highlights:
You slowly realize that while inebriated, the man can only think of four adjectives and one phrase to describe both his dear friends and outlook on life. The manic repetition of the phrases "slim, hates to smoke, marathon runner" and "only in America" leaves you with the frightening impression that he either doesn't know these people and crashed the wedding just for the open bar, or literally just streams words from his brain directly to his mouth when drunk.

What Makes It Poignant:
Watching that goofball up there, there is no way in hell he had even the slightest desire to be president. We bet if you could travel back in time and tell 1992 George W. Bush that someday the lives of thousands would hang on his decisions, he'd have been just as terrified as we are now.

Admit it: If this guy was your local bartender, or neighbor, or UPS delivery man--any position where he couldn't do any real damage--it'd be easy to like him. Look at him toss back the drink the second he steps away from the interviewer. That guy would have been happy in some sales job, one where he's always on the road and flirting with the ladies at every stop. But, no, his name was George Bush and as a result, he was destined to become the closest thing to King of the world.

Only in America.

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7
"He's freakin' GENIUUUSSSS!!!"

The Clip:
Anna Nicole Smith presents some sort of music award, as well as her immense shame and fathomless vapidity, to the viewers at home.

Highlights:
Surprisingly, neither Anna's drunkenness nor her making-a-break-for-freedom boobs are the highlight of this clip. After all, we've seen plenty of both before. What really makes the clip is the listless, phoned-in sympathy of the anchorwomen at the end, who just finished airing a humiliating video of a fellow human being.

What Makes It Poignant:
Not just that she's dead, or that her son accidentally killed himself, or that her lover/lawyer used her more thoroughly than the last square of toilet paper in a public restroom, but rather that no one, not even us, can muster any sort of real sympathy for the woman.

She staggered through life, married a rich old guy, yelled at everyone around her, and became one of the world's greatest living sideshows of all time in the process, complete with clown makeup. It's not funny like a Judd Apatow movie; it's funny like a three-hour montage of guys getting hit in the nuts.

Continue the schadenfreude on Page 2!
Find out which other celebs can't handle their fame OR their booze.

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6
"Any publicity is good publicity."

The Clip:
Paula Abdul, apparenlty still up and drunk from the night before, spends an excruciatingly awkard 3 minutes with a pair of perky morning show hosts.

Highlights:
Right at the top, Abdul nearly falls off her stool, makes a cheesy joke, then snort-laughs at it as if she just figured out a punch line someone laid on her at the bar last night. In a classic case of Freudian projection, she then claims "it's a wild party" in the studio. No, Paula, the two stern women in business suits are not having a wild party. You, who must occasionally look off camera just to focus your vision, are having a wild party.

What Makes It Poignant:
Yes, American Idol fans, this is where the spunk comes from. It appears that Paula's wacky, effervescent encouragements are fueled by strawberry daiquiris and who knows what else. Is there anything sadder than chemical spunk?

Come on. Deep down, you already knew. Do you think anyone could really muster enthusiasm about executive producing the Bratz movie sober?

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5
"I wanna kiss you. I couldn't care less about the team struggling."

The Clip:
Legendary Jets quarterback Joe Namath puts together some of the longest sentences ever drunkenly rambled to a sidelines' reporter.

Highlights:
You can see the train heading for the cliff as soon as this one starts. Namath is slurring every word and stumbles around looking for the end of each sentence. Strangely, after a full minute of a Namath struggling not to say anything ridiculous, the reporter has a clear chance to send it back to the booth and allow Joe to pass out peacefully on the sideline. But, no, the reporter presses on, and pays for it.

What Makes It Poignant:
Joe Namath is a man who devoted his youth to a brutal sport. He's a man who has ravaged his body for the sake of a team, a legacy, a dynasty, and yes, many millions of dollars. You're telling us that with a few stadium beers in him, he's willing to throw that all away for some shorthaired, puffy-coated sports reporter? Say it ain't so, Joe. At least Suzy had the decency to withstand his advances; Lord knows few of us could have done the same.

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4
"I would like it better if you did the show topless ..."

The Clip:
Ben Affleck shows off his acting abilities by improvising the lead up to a violent rape.

Highlights:
First of all, if that passes for an interview in Montreal, they must know jack shit about upcoming movies. As for highlights, we hate to draw any positive attention to Affleck's actions, but we have to note that his Pepe Le Pew impression is pretty dead on, considering that Le Pew was also an aggressive sexual predator.

What Makes It Poignant:
If you take away the fact that this is Ben Affleck, on TV absolutely nothing distinguishes him from that guy at your dorm party who scares the chicks off within the first 20 minutes. He takes every possible opportunity to slyly return the conversation to the woman's rack and grasps her firmly throughout.

If you really want to get chills, check out 4:50 when the background music ends and a producer restarts it a few seconds later. We presume it's to avoid feeling like he was filming an amateur porno.

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3
"There's a daily cash price of $1,000 and ... FUCK!"

The Clip:
Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek--with mustache--attempts to record some spots for the show and ends up repeatedly shouting this four-letter expletive.

Highlights:
What is fuck, Alex? You've got to love that we see him progress from drinking a can of beer to drinking from what looks to be a crystal goblet of vodka. Way to roll like a gangsta, Trebek. Also, the little frown he gives after saying "son of a bitch" at 0:22 reminds us of Will Ferrell at his best.

What Makes It Poignant:
The emotional impact of this clip can only be truly appreciated by those of us with parents who crowded around the TV every night during dinner to shout questions at the screen. Oh, mighty Lord of all trivia, how far you have fallen. We used to think you had all the answers; now you just remind us of our dads, cursing belligerently and presumably referring to your testicles as "The Daily Double."

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2
"She's a public school bitch!"

The Clip:
Paris and Nikki Hilton ask someone at a party to videotape them, and then seem to immediately forget that someone is videotaping them.

Highlights:
The scandalous part of the tape comes around 2:50 when Paris states that she and her sister are "like two n*****s." But for our money, the best moment is the appearance at 1:45 of "sketchy gay dude" Todd, the Toddster, who dances like someone shooing away a stray cat and wears a hat simply emblazoned "PONY."

About 4 minutes in, if you can tolerate it that long, you'll hear the ultimate Hilton insult: "public school bitch."

What Makes It Poignant:
We're not trying to excuse her behavior, but it's hard to take Paris to task when you imagine how warped her view of life must be. Literally everyone she knows is in some way trying to "be down." Mere moments before her faux pas, the cameraman uses the phrases "Bust a move!" and "Daaaaaamn!"

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1
"GIN!"

The Clip:
The Hoff devours a tasty burger in what looks like a terrible cross between a People magazine photo shoot and the tortoise enclosure at the zoo. Best tortoise action hits at 0:23. Watch the pickle.

Highlights:
There is a clear winner in this clip, and it occurs at 0:56, when Hasselhoff's daughter asks him to promise that he won't drink any alcohol that night, and he responds with a single mumbled word: "Gin!" Although to be fair, Hasselhoff spends a lot of time in Austria, where gin isn't even considered an alcohol.

What Makes It Poignant:
If we have to explain why a video of a shirtless man ignoring his daughter's pleas for him to stop drinking is poignant, we're guessing you've probably spent quite a few shirtless evenings on the floor, picking through an exploded hamburger.

The eloquent press release they read that's supposedly from Hasselhoff (almost certainly written by a publicist) gives a hint of just how insulated from any kind of real help celebrities are. That fact really weighed on us around the 103rd time we watched the video.

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