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5 Movies Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Now
 Elizabeth, Elizabeth I, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen and The Queen. Why do we need so many movies about a representative figurehead who doesn't even do anything? If we really gave a shit about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution. Enough already. Fuck.  How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted 20-something trying to figure out "what it all means" by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who's vaguely "different" because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year's mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is "edgy" despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?  These make me laugh so hard I become physically uncomfortable and if they do another-say, one in which Marlon pretends to be a hippopotamus in order to get a cheap land deal on the local zoo-I think my sternum might rip open, as it would be unable to contain the tidal waves of laughter surging from deep within my belly.  Do you know what would happen in the real world if Antonio Banderas rolled up on the Bronx's problem-child mafia and tried to "make a connection" by teaching them how to salsa dance? They'd rip off his fruity little dancing shoes and use them to violently break his legs.  So Ray Romano is a squirrel who has to get a bag of nuts across Mean Old Farmer Frank's wheat field so his family can eat for the winter, and he only has Ollie the Ellen DeGeneres-sounding Turtle to help him get there and they have adventures and there are hijinks and light adult humor and they form unlikely friendships and who gives a fuck? It's no wonder kids are getting dumber. |
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Ok, those of you who dont like British-patriotic rants avert you eyes (dont say i didnt warn you, and i know this is too long and that i should not take it so seriously but hey, thats who i am, make what you will of it).
For one, the reason why we need so many movies about Elizabeth I is because she was brilliant, if she was a modern celebrity she would be Angelina Jolie crossed with pure awesome, though i do agree more than one (at a pinch, two) movies about her is not called for. (Ok this is probably the point where those of you who really dont like these rants but read on for their own convoluted reasons and will later complain that im a dick and that America is "way better" would kindly stop reading...you really wont like the next bit)
For two, the writer of this article clearly knows nothing about history outside of the 300 year long brain fart that is American history to date. NOW the Queen is a figure head but hundreds of years ago in Good Queen Beths reign she was in charge of pretty much f*****g EVERYTHING! saying she "doesnt really do anything" is like saying Richard the Lion-hearted was "a bit boring" in that that statement is about as far from the truth as can be. The protestant reformation? The treaty of nonsuch and the ensuing Spanish-Anglo war? The Spanish armada? any of this ring a bell? of course not. because your one and only source is the movies themselves (uniformly crap, historically speaking) and what you assume.
For three, you dont seem to know that much about AMERICAN history, "If we really gave a s**t about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution." why would giving a s**t about Elizabeth mean that the revolution wouldnt have happened, or that you wouldnt have won it? maybe if you gave a s**t about Elizaabeth you'd have lost and gained your independance through continued protest or geurilla action, like the Irish,Canadians, Africans, Indians and Australians. Should English policy at the time have concentrated on giving Americans a god-like mental image of her, rather than, admittedly, f*****g up relations through tax and under-representation? which brings me to another point, Elizabeth died in 1603, the revolution started, famously in 1776. Are you suggesting that elizabeth should have risen from the grave to protect Englands imperial interests?
Ok im done. Well done for reading so far (or skipping to the end) cue the flood of abusive pro-american abuse inevitably headed my way, do your worst (or is this reverse psycology? do i say this knowing that you guys will not reply, to spite me? hmm)
Willyhassert - Can't have too many zombie apocalypses. Quiet down, now.
I know it's a bit late, but the phrase is "hare-brained." Why must you make me hate you?
Zach Braff is my nemesis. He's the weediest, ass-kicking-deservingest, technically-straight-but-otherwise-a-total-gaylord gaylord in the whole wide world.
Scrubs is okay though, when Zach Braff isn't flouncing around and crying about his feelings and being rewarded for making everyone else drop everything so they can come and hug his moisturised ass.
Dear kmsuperstar:
Congratulations. You have joined the millions who are eternally sick and/or of other people liking the music they like. Oddly enough, the rest of the world tends to call those people whiny pseudo-indie-emo crybabies. Ironic, isn't it?
Here's my advice: pull on your big girl panties and get over it.
so, so very right about Zack Braff. f**k that guy in his earhole. he's the reason my friend's douchenozzle little brother loves the Shins. and you're dead-on about his supposed "edgy" indie soundtracks are maddening to people who really like the bands.
one of the Scrubs soundtracks has a Guided By Voices song, which is all well and good, as they are brilliant and one of my favorite bands. problem is, the song is "Hold on Hope," the only blatantly commercial song Pollard's ever released.
i wish Braff would stop turning on the music i love to the great unwashed. also, i'm fully aware of how much of an indie snob i sound right now. deal w/ it.
how about f*****g zombie apocalypses! the first dawn of the dead where cool and so where some others, but STOP already!!!!
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I love the clips for this movieQueen Elizabeth the second can fix your cars engine, quite alot of people know that.
PicoHow many Zach Braff Emo movies have there been? I only counted one...
i agree with number 2
Quin Tang ZhangI agree with everything except #5. Talking animals are fun :/
AnnaI dissagree this thing sucks
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Amner:
No, like Amerrica is mutch better cus its like free and ur all alves under Queen Elizebeth, witch is like a ship, so it's like Amistad! See, I know histree!
/stoopid
Happy?