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5 Movies Hollywood Needs to Stop Making Now

By Alex Blagg September 22, 2006 37,704 views
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1. Movies about any queen named Elizabeth
Elizabeth, Elizabeth I, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Queen Elizabeth, The Virgin Queen and The Queen. Why do we need so many movies about a representative figurehead who doesn't even do anything? If we really gave a shit about Queen Elizabeth, we wouldn't have fought and won the American Revolution. Enough already. Fuck.

2. Movies that are part of Zach Braff's Emo McHipster saga
How many movies do we need in which Braff plays a charmingly conflicted 20-something trying to figure out "what it all means" by staring sullenly at us from artful camera shots until he meets a girl who's vaguely "different" because she does wacky spontaneous stuff like yelling into canyons in the rain, all set to a soundtrack of last year's mainstream indie rock, which Braff clearly thinks is "edgy" despite the fact this life-changing music can probably also be found in a Toyota commercial?

3. Movies in which the lesser Wayans Brothers dress up as something they are not, such as white people or women or white women, in order to accomplish some hair-brained scheme.
These make me laugh so hard I become physically uncomfortable and if they do another-say, one in which Marlon pretends to be a hippopotamus in order to get a cheap land deal on the local zoo-I think my sternum might rip open, as it would be unable to contain the tidal waves of laughter surging from deep within my belly.

4. Movies in which an idealistic teacher must use unconventional methods (such as dancing, rapping or wearing leather jackets) to get through to violent, unruly inner-city high school students.
Do you know what would happen in the real world if Antonio Banderas rolled up on the Bronx's problem-child mafia and tried to "make a connection" by teaching them how to salsa dance? They'd rip off his fruity little dancing shoes and use them to violently break his legs.

5. Movies about animated animals, insects or any other creatures that can't actually talk.
So Ray Romano is a squirrel who has to get a bag of nuts across Mean Old Farmer Frank's wheat field so his family can eat for the winter, and he only has Ollie the Ellen DeGeneres-sounding Turtle to help him get there and they have adventures and there are hijinks and light adult humor and they form unlikely friendships and who gives a fuck? It's no wonder kids are getting dumber.


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17 Comments

I know it's a bit late, but the phrase is "hare-brained." Why must you make me hate you?

4/24/2009 1:56:08 PM
LordKorax

Zach Braff is my nemesis. He's the weediest, ass-kicking-deservingest, technically-straight-but-otherwise-a-total-gaylord gaylord in the whole wide world.
Scrubs is okay though, when Zach Braff isn't flouncing around and crying about his feelings and being rewarded for making everyone else drop everything so they can come and hug his moisturised ass.

2/7/2009 10:05:55 AM
Pedgerow

Dear kmsuperstar:
Congratulations. You have joined the millions who are eternally sick and/or of other people liking the music they like. Oddly enough, the rest of the world tends to call those people whiny pseudo-indie-emo crybabies. Ironic, isn't it?
Here's my advice: pull on your big girl panties and get over it.

11/27/2008 7:22:08 PM
Maryland_Belle

so, so very right about Zack Braff. f**k that guy in his earhole. he's the reason my friend's douchenozzle little brother loves the Shins. and you're dead-on about his supposed "edgy" indie soundtracks are maddening to people who really like the bands.

one of the Scrubs soundtracks has a Guided By Voices song, which is all well and good, as they are brilliant and one of my favorite bands. problem is, the song is "Hold on Hope," the only blatantly commercial song Pollard's ever released.

i wish Braff would stop turning on the music i love to the great unwashed. also, i'm fully aware of how much of an indie snob i sound right now. deal w/ it.

9/6/2008 1:32:16 PM
kmsuperstar

how about f*****g zombie apocalypses! the first dawn of the dead where cool and so where some others, but STOP already!!!!

8/14/2008 4:54:49 PM
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2/1/2008 11:50:42 PM
This is good movies and music is vies vies good

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2/1/2008 12:11:38 AM
I love the clips for this movie

Queen Elizabeth the second can fix your cars engine, quite alot of people know that.

1/26/2008 12:25:06 AM
Pico

How many Zach Braff Emo movies have there been? I only counted one...

12/30/2007 8:24:07 AM
BigDaddyChaCha

i agree with number 2

12/28/2007 9:52:16 AM
Quin Tang Zhang

I agree with everything except #5. Talking animals are fun :/

12/5/2007 6:45:43 PM
Anna

I dissagree this thing sucks

11/17/2007 5:20:18 PM
jack

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