Writer/comedian/blogger/crank Alex Blagg drops in to share with CRACKED the different things that are irking him this week.
1. The Winter Olympics
-Look, can we all please get together as a nation and stop pretending to give a shit about the Olympics? Jesus Christ, just because some toga-clad hedonistic pedophiles started a bullshit competition in a bunch of boring athletic events, every two years I get subjected to months of "extreme" NBC promos with whiz-bang camera tricks and editing effects that try to trick me into thinking that cross-country skiing is somehow interesting or enjoyable to watch. Then, once the stupid games actually DO start, I don't get to watch any of my favorite shows for two weeks, because we're all so busy pretending to care about who wins a fucking Bobsled race. There's a place for the Winter Olympics-it's called ESPN2.
2. Shows That Try to Be Hip
-Nothing in the world pisses me off more than when some uninteresting shitcom tries to "win over" the younger demographics by arbitrarily including a reference to a cultural phenomenon that otherwise has nothing to do with the show. Take NBC's soon-to-be-cancelled-and-mercifully-forgotten new show "Four Kings"-in one scene, a female character says, "I'm so excited I scored Arcade Fire tickets!" and Seth Green responds by saying, "Oh my God, I love Arcade Fire!" OK, what the fuck was the point of that dialogue? No jokes, no plot advancement, just a nice big "Hey, kids! We read blogs, and we think we know what' cool, so keep tuning in!" that was about as subtle as getting fucked by a wooly mammoth.
3. Washington Mutual ATMs
-Notice how, for like the last two years, Washington Mutual has been branding themselves as the "cool, hip and happening" bank? Instead of normal ATM language, when you put your card in it' like, "What' up, bro? You need some scratch?" As lame as this was, the one thing that legitimately WAS cool about Washington Mutual was they were the one bank that didn't charge a bullshit ATM fee if you weren't a customer. I say WAS, because now the motherfuckers have apparently changed their minds and are charging fees. WTF? Washington Mutual is like that rich loser in high school who always tried to buy everyone' friendship, and then when he finally got to fuck the cheerleader, he stopped hanging out with you and started charging $5 at his keg parties.
4. Brokeback Mountain
-Just because one male movie star spits on his hand and fucks another male movie star in the ass, everyone is feverishly tearing at their faces like it' the apocalypse or something. And I'm not even complaining about the movie-it' a well-made, well-acted little piece of cinema. I'm just so unspeakably tired of the endless "Bareback Mountain/Gay Cowboy" late night jokes, water cooler references, Internet parodies, re-cut trailers and other retarded bullshit that any moron with a VCR and a copy of iMovie could put together. They're gay. They're cowboys. Deal with it.
5. The Super Bowl
-Whatever, the Super Bowl' fucking stupid and hasn't been relevant since about 1988. So a bunch of socially dysfunctional millionaires are going to bump into each other for a few hours in between beer commercials. Do you seriously give a shit? Do you seriously think the players give a shit? Those assholes run fast with the ball for whoever gives them the most money they don't deserve. When the buzzer sounds, the numbers on the scoreboard are as meaningless to them as your interest in sports is to me. Essentially, you're rooting for a color scheme and graphic design logo-go silver and blue team with the little birdie on the helmet!