Why You're Stupid:
Lost: An Incoherent Mess
Translation: I am much, much smarter than you.
I understand that you would probably not be such a shit-for-brains if you could just spend some time with my multicultural posse and me, chilling out while listening to my bisexual friend Emanuel spin Brazilian hip-hop. Unfortunately, the lounge where we kick it doesn't admit people wearing conservatively colored plaid Brooks Brothers dress shirts (Spin is a verb meaning to DJ, like the guy you yell at when you want to hear "Twist and Shout" a third time at your frat brother' wedding).In any case, if you're not familiar with people like me (who are much, much smarter than you), we generally like to communicate by talking about things that Americans like that we know to be retarded, or about things that Americans have never heard of that we know to be brilliant. It gives us a chance to communicate our superior intellect without actually coming out and saying that we're smarter than everyone else on the face of the globe.
Get ready to be chastened, dipshit.
TV Show that You Like Because You are StupidLOST
During the first season, the writers of Lost created an atmosphere rich in mystery and intrigue. There were polar bears, walking cripples and magical black children. I found myself giddily asking my TV set (72-inch vintage HD flat panel) in unison with the rest of you: what the fuck is going on here?
Unfortunately, it appears the writers were asking themselves the same thing. This season they've basically been treading water, not moving the story forward at all, and in some cases moving backwards. It became clear that the writers had painted themselves into a corner in the second episode of the season when absolutely NOTHING HAPPENED for the entire hour.
The show has become the equivalent of that street performer at Venice Beach who gets tourists from the Midwest to cough up money by promising a big payoff, which it turns out is just him riding a unicycle around sobbing about how his mother didn't love him.
And still, the show is getting great ratings, as America continues to tune in to see the big reveal. Well, push those tube socks down off of your pasty shins and close your goddamned stupid Big Gulp-slurping mouths, the trick ain't coming.
Mark my words right now: they do not have a coherent way of ending this thing. You are going to be disappointed. If you are still watching this show then I've got a trick to show you where I pull a big shiny nickel out from behind your ear.
Movie That You Like Because You are Stupid In Good Company:
Granted it came out a year ago, every time I flip past HBO lately, I see Topher Grace wearing a suit that' too big for him and Dennis Quaid doing a Jack Nicholson impression. Finally, I gave in to the gravitational pull of our culture' mind-numbing stupidity and watched it.
About 15 minutes into In Good Company, a 26-year-old advertising executive played by Grace gives his sales team a speech that would be at home in any boardroom across America: "This guy' psyched, you know I'm psyched! Now let me ask you: are you psyched?" (This is coincidentally, also the pep talk that Topher Grace gives himself before masturbating to reruns of That 70' Show.)
Apparently, the answer was yes America, you were psyched. In Good Company was greeted with glowing reviews (an outrageous 82% freshness rating on RottenTomatoes.com), did a brisk business at the box office and last week was even seen cropping up on the occasional "Best of 2005" list.
Quick question here: Are you fucking kidding me?
You're going to sit through a completely un-ironic corporate pep-rally that features inspirational music during a speech about "getting psyched" and "synergy," and not want to hold the projectionist hostage? Do you not get enough of this mindless, kitten hanging on a doorknob and telling you to "hang in there," Seven Habits of Highly Effective People-espousing bullshit while you're sitting in your cubicle, listening to the dull sound of your brains being sanded into smooth, indecipherable pebbles of corporate ethos by the beta waves from your computer screen?
Read that last sentence over again and let it sink in. If you still don't understand it, let me explain: I am so much smarter than you that it is fucking ridiculous.
Honorable Mention: Memoirs of a GeishaNot since Hollywood Scotch-taped John Wayne' eyes into a squint and called him Gengis Kahn has a film so baldly insulted Asian culture. Having a Chinese actress play the lead in a movie about Japanese Geishas is the equivalent of casting Cheech as the next James Bond, and hoping that people won't mind because Mexico and Britain are in the same hemisphere.
Fuck you, America. Suck my dick!
Go ahead, try and challenge the indomitable logic of my pop-culture observations. Just don't underestimate me because of my artfully tussled hair and Jack Spade carry-along satchel. I know three forms of the non-violent Brazillian dance martial art Capoeira and am not affraid to use them.
Until next time, enjoy the life lessons that you learn from whatever sitcom with a laugh track you watch tonight.
Tousled hair, not tussled hair.
Replytus·sle/ˈtəsəl/
Noun:
A vigorous struggle or scuffle, typically in order to obtain or achieve something.
Verb:
Engage in such a struggle or scuffle: "the demonstrators tussled with police".
Synonyms:
noun. fight - struggle - scuffle - scramble - fighting - fray
verb. fight - scuffle - scrap - struggle - wrestle - grapple
tou·sle/ˈtouzəl/
Verb:
Make (something, esp. a person's hair) untidy.
Noun:
An act of tousling something, esp. hair.
Synonyms:
dishevel - ruffle - rumple
"Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest m**********r in the world... If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad." -neal stephenson
ReplyMore like Saucy Jack I say.
ReplyFun Fact! It is because you are stupid, Jack, that you do not like Lost. Other people don't like the show for other reasons. You, unfortunately don't like it because you are stupid. And being stupid, you are unaware of the fact that you are stupid so you assume you are smart and the show is dumb. You may have also ben upset about Jack Shepherd being much cooler than yourself and thus more worthy of the name Jack than you are.
ReplyFun fact! They tried to get some actual geisha to star in Memoirs of a Geisha. Sadly, they couldn't act worth a shit. So they got that actress whose name I can never spell or pronounce. To be fair ... some of the actors were Japanese.
Replylol I think I watched half an episode of Lost in the first season and I was like "this is boring...O_o" and went back to Silence in the Library. XD
ReplyGOD! This satire is satire, BUT there ARE little fucks like this. Manly in NYC, LA, etc...
ReplyYou forgot about the retarded Jailbreak show. I was smart enough to stop watching after only seeing the first half of one episode. It doesn't matter where you step in on that crap or any rehashed CSI or Law & Order garbage. It's all the same plots but in different places. If it's got a burnt out singer/rapper turned lousy actor then you can assure audiences it will suck.
ReplyWell done satire just make it longer next time. Some people are apparently slow on the uptake.
You know what Jack, You make sense.Ignoring the fact that this is a satire website,still I found it rather funny.Especially the beta rays part.Also to all those who is taking it seriously,THIS IS A SATIRE SITE.What do you expect here?Deep,profound discussions?
ReplySrsly f**k you Jack.
ReplyYour Cheech /Bond comparison shows how ignorant and racist you are, discrediting your attempts to prove your superior education. Cheech wouldnt make a good Bond because he doesnt fit the attractive profile of the character but there are plenty of attractive tall Mexicans who are talented enough to get the accent down. Not all Mexican look like Cheech, I'm surprised your multicultural group of friends hasn't taught you that.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesRefusing an actress a role because of her nationality would be typecasting, racial profiling, and more ignorant than your little mind can grasp. Al Pacino can play a Cuban and Jennifer Lopez can play an Italian American because they can pull it off and we recognize their box office pull, since we "stupid" Americans have clearly advanced past typecasting. So why shouldnt a Chinese actress play a j*panese character? As someone pointed out the movie is a piece of fiction, not biographical at all. Oh sorry, did you not know that? I guess you would prefer the lily white British only cast of Harry Potter, with an Asian character named "Cho" as if the name itself wasn't offensive.
Cho's played by Katie Leung, dude. She's Chinese-Scottish.
Now I have to go drink until I forget that I know that.
It's astounding how intelligent someone can sound while completely missing the point of the article entirely. You are aware that you are on a humor website, right?
I really don't know what's funnier. Your being-angry-just-to-be-angry flame or heatherly's rebuttal and aside. Either way, who the f**k cares, you're commenting on a 5 year old comedy article.
The j*panese refused to have anything to do with the film because they don't acknowledge that aspect of their history. Execs REALLY wanted to make the movie, the deal was signed, and they knew that Caucasians can't tell one type of Asian from another. It's really not much of an insult if the j*panese wanted nothing to do with it.
ReplyReally? All the Japanese? Kind of impressive when you can get every single member of a culture to boycott something.
You could say that the Chinese who were willingly playing those Japanese characters were actually trolling the Japanese. Japan doesn't acknowledge that aspect of their life so the Chinese are there so that they could get the world could see it in all it's glory. We all know the Chinese are still angry with World War 2 and how the Japanese kicked(among other things) their butts.
So here's a chance for some Chinese to kick some dirt about the Japanese. While at the same time giving the impression that there aren't any good actors from Japan.
So in a sense China is subtly insulting the Japanese.
Same goes for the endless amount of South Korean actors playing Japanese in current TV shows and movies (good example : Star Trek and Hawaii-Five-O reboots). It does make one thinks that there are no more Japanese actors around.
I accept you as smarter than me.
Replythis is all 100% correct and reminds me of my own blog that I wrote about Lost that I can't post anywhere because I have too many friends that watched that crap.
ReplyI’ve been dying to write a blog about how stupid the TV show Lost is/was for the longest time but haven’t because I really didn’t want to offend the 6 people I know who were really into that show. But speaking of them, every time I found out that someone I knew watched Lost regularly, it caused me to take a second look at them. By the time the show ended, finding out that someone I knew was addicted to Lost (still!?) became something which literally aided me in identifying which of my friends and acquaintances were much more shallow and stupid than I had otherwise realized.
I did watch the first season of Lost and the main reason I stopped watching the show was because I quite suddenly and spontaneously solved the whole entire mystery of the show/island less than halfway through season 2. It was like a light bulb switched on in my brain and I thought ‘Oh duh, I get it,’ and immediately switched channels. So here it is. I don’t give a s**t what happened in the show finale, though I gather it not surprisingly left many fans with unanswered questions, though I’m still astonished that there were people out there who actually thought the questions would be answered, but here is the true solution of Lost and the explanation for everything that ever happened on the island, off the island, or relating to the island…
Every lame retarded mystery led to yet another lame retarded mystery.
Solved. You’re welcome. That was the entire point to that show. If you could continue to watch that show after season two you should try running on a hamster wheel or batting around a ball of yarn like a kitten because you are very easily amused by pointless inanity. Season one wasn’t bad at all, and at the time there weren’t any shows quite like it so it was relatively interesting but just a few episodes into season 2 it became patently obvious that there wasn’t ever going to be any actual design, depth, or substance to the story of this island. The writers clearly had no idea what they were doing or where they were going, which I believe they even admitted to at the time, though that in-and-of itself would not necessarily be a bad thing but it’s a very bad thing if you just keep repeating the same single trick of creating one weird inexplicable event after another. It obviously didn’t and wouldn’t ever make any sense. How can someone watch that for 7 seasons?!?!? And be intrigued by it?!?!
Yes, Lost did have some very bad/boring episodes where nothing happened and pointless mysteries were made simply to fill in a spot each week. However, there were some really brilliant characters in that show (e.g. Desmond, Ben, Richard)... All of them actually came into the show after the 2nd season, so you probably didn't see them.
Also, you say that knowing which of your friends liked Lost "literally aided me in identifying which of my friends and acquaintances were much more shallow and stupid than I had otherwise realized." I dunno about you, but judging your friends' personalities by what tv shows they like seems pretty shallow and stupid to me. Just saying. If you don't like the show, don't talk about it.
I spent 2 weeks watching Lost on Netflix a month before the series finale, and I was hooked. I was able to watch the entire thing from beginning to end in the span of only those 2 weeks. And I have to say, I loved it while I was watching, but once the final show aired and I knew the end, I was seriously grateful I only wasted a month as opposed to 6 years watching that pos. It was a guilty pleasure to watch it, and I had friends who will still defend it to this day, but I only think they do because they started watching years ago and don't want to admit their waste of time. Since that show, I now approach new shows as if they were vipers.
lol. c*m. im thinking this is a troll. maybe? either way, go f**k yourself, i like lost
Replystupid and pretentious article.
ReplyHis judgment of Lost is based on..2 episodes? Quite an extrapolation. That's what a Columbia education will get you these days. But I guess I shouldn't criticize him, his diverse range of friends is CLEAR evidence of how much of a genius he is.
A gigantic portion of questions people have had for many season have been answered already. The also poorly written/researched article about "5 questions about Lost that need to be answered but won't" have all been sufficiently addressed. Since obviously no one on the cracked team has actually seen or paid attention to the episodes, try finding someone who has before writing so many slanderous articles.
Way to fail utterly at detecting sarcasm. This article is obviously making fun of pretentious a*****es.
"you spelt afraid wrong"
ReplyFantastic! Just fantastic...
Oh, and by the way, all those apostrophes that don't have an "s" after them are there because when a Cracked article gets really old, all the "s" that come after an apostrophe disappear. I'm not sure why, but it's all over every old article on this site. Just look at any other article from 2006
yeah. I'm not that technology-savvy, but that seems like a weirdly specific glitch to have on a site.
lost sucks
ReplyThe gall that someone would print something not entirely factual on Cracked. It just goes to show that the Deltas have taken over mainstream society. The only thing left for the intellectuals to do is retreat underground and discover which wines go best with human flesh. The first person that says "Chianti" will also be the first test subject.
ReplyLost sucks because Sawyer dies.
I goddamn hate it when people do this s**t: for ownership or to mean something is, you do 's. The only time you do ' on its own ("its" for ownership doesn't have a ') is if the word in question ends in an s. Translation: you're really not as smart as you think you are. Translation: you're either making half that s**t up or you're living in a dream world. Watch vanilla sky, it might give you an idea of my view of you. Also, you spelt afraid wrong
Reply