I Can Smell Ya!
with Lt. Col. Frank Slade

By Clive Bannister October 5, 2005 1,046 views

I'm in the DAAARK, HERE!!!! But I can SMELL ya-- ya smell like juniper bushes.

Now pour me a glass a' Pepe Cuervo. When you known 'im long as I have son, you call 'im Pepe. Hoo-waa.

Siddown, son... take a load off. Ya got the weight of the world restin? on your goddamn shoulders. LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKIN' TO YA! LOOKAME!

You feel uncomfortable now? No? How 'bout when I GET YOUR NUTS IN MY FIST LIKE THIS! GOT YA BY THE BALLS, DON?T I??!? NOW YOU'RE LIVIN?!

AHHHH, I'm just an old crank. Chah-lie, put the picture box back on for me. Hooo-waa. I was watching some TRASH on the MTV callin? itself the My Super Sweet 16. HA! MY ASS, CHARLIE! The only thing super sweet in this world, is buryin' ya nose in-a-MOUND-a-CURRLS! Finer than a whitewall tire on a bayou morning apple pie willy! HOOO-WAA!

Got them little ladies playin' honey-tonk with their baby jeans. Their tight little bodies? mmmmm. That's the stuff, Charlie. The STUFF, SON! I COULD SMELL 'EM! HOOO-WAA! SMELL 'EM THROUGH THE TV!

IF I WAS HALF THE MAN I WAS FIVE YEARS AGO, I'D TAKE A FLAME THROWER TO MY SUPER SWEET 16! HOO-WA.

Pour me another glass a' Pepe, son and drop it like it's hot.

Did I tell ya, I went to the grocery today? Course not? Well let me tell ya Chah-lie, them boys is soft! Softer than a baby-ass dough-pile on a hot Kentucky Sunday. Hooo-waa. Not like Charlie. No sir!!

If there's anyone who's worth a damn in this SHITPILE we call LIFE, it's you, Chah-lie. You're a fine boy? finer than the long legs on a Pennsylvania farmgirl takin' cookies TO THE RODEO! HOOO-WAA! You want I should go yell at your school again?

So my point, right Chah-lie, met a woman at the grocery. A beautiful woman. Beautiful. I could smell it. Mmmmm? Could smell that she'd eaten a hamburger with pickles last Wednesday? And her shoelaces were green with a double knot. Her parents descended from the Hapsburg dynasty; she was born on a Tuesday, Chah-lie! Ruby fuckin' Tuesday. Can't you just smell it, Chah-lie? HOOO-WAA!

Actually, what you're smelling now, Chah-lie, is not a woman. No. Hoo-wa. Those are my trousers. Excuse me for a moment, would ya? I need to relinquish these drawls.

I FOOLED YA CHAH-LIE, I GOT YA CAR KEYS AND HANDCUFFED YA TO THE BED! HOO-WA! VEGAS, HERE I COME! SCENT OF MY DUST, SUCKA!