CRACKED Profiles Dan Allen

NAME: Dan Allen

CURRENT BASE OF OPERATIONS: Astoria, NY

BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM: Daytona Beach, FL by way of San Antonio, TX

YOU KNOW ME FROM: Clubs, colleges and Comedy Central' Premium Blend. "I'm the tall dude with the yellow shirt that starts off with a joke about the Yankees. Your girlfriend may know me from US Weekly' 'Fashion Police' [section]."

MY FIRST TIME ON STAGE: "If comedy was crack, I took my first hit at Thoroughgood Inn Comedy Club in Virginia Beach in 1998. They gave me three minutes. Right when I got off stage, one of the older comics pulled me aside and said, 'Not bad, kid. But you went over by 45 seconds and that last bit was [Paul] Reiser' bit, word for word. Come back next Wednesday.' Now, I'm an addict."

BEST GIG I EVER HAD: ""¦Was when Lucien Hold passed me at The Comic Strip when I first moved to New York City."

CROWD I'M MOST LIKELY TO BOMB IN FRONT OF: "Car dealers! My friend, comedian Jesse Joyce and I were performing at a Honda dealership in Middleton, NY, for their Christmas party at a country club. Traditionally, they raffled off a big screen television as a Christmas bonus, but the owner decided to "treat" them with a comedy show instead. The DJ turned off the music and awkwardly announced, 'Now we're goin' to have comedy . . . I guess . . . Please turn around and give it up for Dan.' I turned on the wireless microphone and stood in front of the buffet table. Immediately, I alienated the entire crowd with my first joke because it offended the one black guy in the 400-person crowd. Then I recited a comedic poem that normally does really well, but this time it incited a riot. I asked them if they wanted to hear another poem and the entire audience chanted in unison, 'Fuck your poems!'"

CITY OR STATE THAT I'D MOST LIKE TO SEE WIPED OFF THE MAP: Middleton, NY (see above)

MOVIE I COULDN'T BELIEVE EVER GOT MADE: "Garfield. The person who pitched that movie could sell my '90 Honda Accord with a stick shift and no A/C to a paraplegic."

PERSONAL DREAM PROJECT: "Tao of Dan-a science show for intelligent stoners. Think of it as an adult version of Bill Nye the Science Guy meets the Family Guy."

IF I WASN'T DOING COMEDY, I'D BE: A pawnbroker or a physics teacher. "I wanted to be a Mars colonist, but I'm two inches taller than NASA' height restriction of 76 inches."

FINE, I'LL ADMIT IT: "I played Dungeons and Dragons until I was 18 and I was a virgin until I turned 19; although, technically one of my characters got laid-but only because he used a charm spell to increase his charisma."

Please visit Dan' site www.taoofdan.com and make friends with him at www.myspace.com/taoofdan