CRACKED Profiles: Don Jamieson

NAME: Don Jamieson

CURRENT BASE OF OPERATIONS: A small, one-bedroom apartment in New York City.

BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM: A big suburban house in New Jersey.

YOU KNOW ME FROM: "Nothing whatsoever, considering these fine accomplishments in my 10 year career."

1) 2005 Emmy-Award Winner — HBO' Inside the NFL
2) Terrorizing Telemarketers CDs with Jim Florentine
3) Staff Roasts on the Howard Stern Show.
4) Meet The Creeps DVDs and as seen on ComedyCentral.com' Motherload
5) dick jokes

MY FIRST TIME ON STAGE: 1994. "A redneck bar in south Jersey with a parking lot full of pickup trucks and an inside full of mullets. Lots of masturbation jokes by me; lots of staring by them. Some things never change."

BEST GIG I EVER HAD: "Andrew Dice Clay doing a guest spot on a show that I headlined in Miami. How many comics can say they followed the Diceman?"

CROWD I'M MOST LIKELY TO BOMB IN FRONT OF: "Buddhist monks, the French, fruits and vegetables, anyone who could help my career."

CITY OR STATE THAT I'D MOST LIKE TO SEE WIPED OFF THE MAP: "The entire country of Canada. And I'm not too crazy about Bayonne, NJ, either."

MOVIE I COULDN'T BELIEVE EVER GOT MADE: "Anything with Ben Stiller."

PERSONAL DREAM PROJECT: "Just continuing to make a living as a professional asshole… Getting rich, famous and fat and ending up on

Celebrity Fit Club."

IF I WASN'T DOING COMEDY, I'D BE: "Successful, making a lot of money, living in a nice house, driving a nice car, having relationships with women long enough to remember their name. And... completely miserable."

CELEBRITY MASTURBATION FODDER: "Give me a break, guys. I want to use this piece for my press kit! Oh, alright: Wilma Flintstone, Marcia Brady, Alice Kramden, Gladys Kravitz, Laverne & Shirley, Jeannie, Morticia Adams, Aunt Esther, Sweet Polly Purebread, Ginger & Mary Anne, Mrs. Howell, Samantha Stevens, Leiutenant Uhura, Judy Jetson, Olive Oyl, Ethel Mertz, Edith Bunker, Marliyn Munster, Rhoda, Penny Robinson, Chrissy Snow, Catwoman, Creepella, Weezie Jefferson, Betty Rubble, Little Cindy Who, Penelope Pitstop, Lois Lane, Vanna White, Wonder Woman, Elly May, Maude, Witchiepoo."

FINE, I'LL ADMIT IT: "Am I the only one who thinks Martha Stewart looks hot after doing prison time?"

More about Don on "DonJamieson.com" and if you dare invite him to be your friend "WWW.MYSPACE.COM/DONJAMIESON"!

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