CURRENT BASE OF OPERATIONS: New York, NY
BUT I'M ORIGINALLY FROM: Born in Philadelphia, grew up in Collegeville, PA.
YOU KNOW ME FROM: Last Call With Carson Daly, Comedy Central's Premium Blend, Vibe magazine's "Whiteboyz in the Hood," and "bombing on some television show in Amsterdam."
MY FIRST TIME ON STAGE: "It was a bar called the New Road Brewery in my hometown. The place was always empty, but on this particular night it was packed due to some chick's birthday party. I was so nervous, I drank two beers and two whiskies in about 20 minutes then hit the stage with what I thought were jokes but, in actuality, were just mean accusations towards the audience like, 'If you read Entertainment Weekly you're an idiot and you should die!' Nonetheless, I pretty much bombed, but there were enough jaded laughs to make me believe I had a future in this."
BEST GIG I EVER HAD: "Doing the Comedy Central Insomniac Tour with Dave Attell at the Tower Theater in Philadelphia, PA. Jay Oakerson and I were on the bill with Dave-which was awesome, since Jay's one of my best friends and Dave was one of the guys I used to watch as a comedy fan before I started doing it. All my friends were at the show to support me, plus they're big Attell fans. I was sitting back stage wearing a Frank Zappa (my idol) T-shirt when I realized that he played the Tower whenever he was in Philly. It just all came together at that moment; I was performing at a venue I was in awe of as a kid-where my favorite artist of all time had played-about to do a show with my friend and a comic I greatly admired, while all of my friends were in the audience. I felt like I made the right choice with my life."
CROWD I'M MOST LIKELY TO BOMB IN FRONT OF: "Any crowd that has ridiculous ideals. The religious fundamentalist folk that think crap like, 'Being gay is a sin.' If they're dumb enough to believe that horseshit, then they're probably too dumb for me to have an intelligent connection with them."
CITY OR STATE THAT I'D MOST LIKE TO SEE WIPED OFF THE MAP: Most places. "It's not the cities and states themselves, it's the people that fuck them up. But if I had to pick one: South Beach in Florida. That's the most despicable place on Earth. Just a bunch of whiskey dicks trying to fuck a bunch of fake tits in clubs playing music so infantile it sounds like it was crafted by the drug-ridden brains of the people who dance to it. Fuck that place."
MOVIE I COULDN'T BELIEVE EVER GOT MADE: "To this day I can't believe Cannonball Run 2 got made. Did you ever see Cannonball Run? What a piece of shit! And I love everybody who was in it. But goddamn! It's a disaster. So the fact that the studio actually watched it and said, 'Yeah, let's do the sequel,' astonishes me. I think there might be a part three! If there is, then that film will automatically become my answer to this question."
CURRENT CELEBRITY MASTURBATION FODDER: "I really want to bang Lindsay Lohan now that's she's getting fat again."
PERSONAL DREAM PROJECT: "I always dreamed that one day I would make a film that I wrote, directed and starred in, ala Woody Allen. It would be amazing to make something as poignant and revealing as Annie Hall or Hannah and Her Sisters."
IF I WASN'T DOING COMEDY, I'D BE: "Even more depressed than I am now."
FINE, I'LL ADMIT IT: "I really like the song All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey."
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