TV's Greatest Off-Screen Quotes and Catchphrases

“Over here, Mr. Falk. This way. Peter, the camera’s over here.”

-Director, Columbo

“Camera one! Lift up an inch. Ms. Hatcher’s botox needle is in the shot!”

-Director, Desperate Housewives

“Sometimes, Ricky, I wonder how it would feel if it were the other way around. Y’know, if the ratings were bad, but we had some critical acclaim.”

-Jason Bateman, Silver Spoons

“Girls, I’ve decided NOT to appear on camera at the same time as you all, because it really destroys the illusion that any of yo’ ugly asses could ever be a real model.”

-Tyra Banks, America’s Next Top Model

“Yeah, I think we have a spare CD player that you can use during your performance. Why do you ask, Ms. Simpson?”

-Production Assistant, Saturday Night Live

“If we’re just playing games with each other’s balls that doesn’t mean we’re gay, right?”

-Steve-O, Jackass


“Babs, can you get me Elizabeth Vargas’s number?”

-Rosie O’Donnell, The View

“You’re going to ruin your career with that dumb mermaid movie, Tom. My Newhart audition went well. Maybe I can get you a guest spot.”

-Peter Scolari, Bosom Buddies

“I’ve called this cast meeting because Hollywood has come knocking. One of you will be starring in the new major movie Edward Scissorhands. Congratulations, Peter. . . naah, I’m just fuckin’ with ya, DeLuise! Johnny, Tim Burton’s on the phone for you.”

-Producer, 21 Jump Street

“Seriously, Jen. Are you kidding me with that haircut? If you still want to hang with me when I’m the breakout star of this show, you better get yourself to the salon.”

-Courtney Cox, Friends

“Relax, they’re just Quaaludes. It’s not like I’m gonna kill myself.”

-Freddie Prinze, Chico and the Man

“Listen, just say 'mission accomplished' and people with forget all about this war.”

-Karl Rove, Bush Press Conference


“So baby, I couldn’t help but notice the way you ate that bull’s penis.”

-Joe Rogan, Fear Factor

“What do you mean I forgot to include jokes in the script?”

-Alan Alda, M*A*S*H

“Christ, what’s wrong with you Mandel? How hard is it to remember one line? It’s ‘Would you like to make a deal or do you choose not to?’ Oh, fuck it. Just say ‘Deal or no deal!’ Do you think you can handle that, brainiac?”

-Director, Deal or No Deal

“Bro, of course, I’ll hook you up if I make it big as a director. You’re fuckin’ Anson Williams, man!”

-Ron Howard, Happy Days


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