The NCAA tournament is all about opportunity. For the players, it's one last chance to make a grab for glory before fading into post collegiate obscurity. For the office chatch, it's an excuse to recite meaningless statistics he overheard at Bennigan's the night before. And for the advertising world, it's a weeks-long excuse to bombard basketball fans with insanely out-of-touch commercials that, judging from last weekend's offerings, are produced by 95-year-old schizophrenics. Behold: the five strangest commercials that you are likely to see when you tune into the NCAA Tournament tonight.
1. Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon Play a Flirtatious Game of One-on-One in Heaven
For some reason Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are in heaven together.
In heaven people communicate by making funny, sexually playful faces at each other.
The sexual tension is so thick, you can cut it with a knife.
THE ENDWhat Hanes Was Thinking:
"The two best spokesmodels for our latest campaign are probably a poorly aging, vaguely tranny-ish Kevin Bacon, and a poorly aging, slightly bloated Michael Jordan. Getting Jordan makes sense because spectators like to be reminded that the athletes they're watching will one day be unattractive shadows of their former selves, willing to do anything to turn a quick buck. And, of course, getting Kevin Bacon makes sense because"¦ um, we're involved in a high stakes game of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" and need to connect the chick from Footloose to somebody in Space Jam."
2. Agent Erin E-Surance Plays Basketball Against Giant Robots in Space
For some reason, E-Surance's creatively named mascot, Erin E-Surance, is playing a game of basketball in space against a bunch of giant robots.
The robots are totally fucking her up.
Erin talks to her coach, who has just arrived from the year 1973.
He reminds her that robots are susceptible to sick crossovers
"¦and getting farted on.
The robot is so ashamed that his head falls off. Erin takes her coach from behind.
THE ENDWhat E-Surance Was Thinking:
"Let's take our consistently unintelligible E-Surance ad campaign to the hardwood in order to slake March Madness fans' insatiable thirst for Japanese-style anime. Despite the fact that she's a cartoon, fans will find Erin and her pink hair sexually attractive in a Gwen Stefani kind of way. Because if there's one thing that gets fans of the Men's NCAA tournament fired up to buy some auto insurance, it's striped retro bell-bottoms, pink hair and women's basketball."