The 5 Most Pointless Movie Adaptations of TV Shows
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We have to admit, the huge success of The Simpsons movie leaves us conflicted. We liked the movie, but hate the fact that its box office has guaranteed about 150 more slap-together TV show remakes over the next few years. We don't need to remind you of the track record these movies have "¦ but we're going to anyway. Here' the worst of the worst: #5.
The Dukes of Hazzard
The Dukes of Hazzard remake is the manual our descendants will consult when they want to understand how to utterly destroy a treasured memory. It's hard to pity an inanimate object, but after 90 minutes of this painful "comedy" you start planning ways to rescue the General Lee. Plus, a movie that makes the experience of watching Jessica Simpson in denim cut-offs anything other than awesome is doing something terribly wrong. You can't blame Simpson for being a terrible actress; she reacts the way any modern 'starlet' does when faced with something she can't do: by taking off her clothes and soaping herself with sudsy water. It' as if Simpson believes the mere sight of titties will distract the male mind from any criticism and focus purely on the titties instead, which is a titties titties of titties. Titties titties, titties, titties. Titties, titties, titties. The Alleged Improvement: Johnny KnoxvilleThe original Duke brothers were the embodiment of camaraderie. In Luke, Bo literally had a cousin, a friend, a brother and a devoted husband. The Jackass crew, on the other hand, laugh when their friends injure themselves, as well as when they are gluing their own pubes to their "friend'" face. So, if the word "friendship" makes you think of a member of Jackass then we hate to break it you, but you were bullied to pieces as a child. The original Luke and Bo pulled off the greatest television scene ever with a jumping car, a bow and a stick of dynamite tied to an arrow. Anybody handing Johnny Knoxville an explosive-tipped projectile had better be ready with a bomb disposal expert, a flashlight and the world' bravest proctologist. #4.
Charlie' Angels: Full Throttle
Charlie' Angels: Full Throttle single-handedly saves the first Charlie' Angels film from appearing on this list, by virtue of being a horrendous sequel to an awful remake of a terrible '70s TV show. The original TV show survived in the dark days before the Internet when men were prepared to sit through 30 minutes of lame karate chops because the leading ladies thought 'bra' was just something frat boys call each other. These days you can't get through a shampoo commercial without at least side boob. And with the Internet, you can choose four pornographic words at random and find a site dedicated explicitly to that, and also that with goats. Like the rare Betamax-eating Dodo, the ecological niche of this show has disappeared. Alleged Improvement: Cameron Diaz! Lucy Liu! Drew Barrymore!Sexy women from the modern era where 'hairstyling' doesn't mean sticking your head in a blender full of mousse! Surely, they'll be better than three '70s actresses who looked like they'd just finished filming a porno with the male members of ABBA. The downside is that modern big names have rights, piles of money and legal teams who can file "Breach of Contract" paperwork just by thinking about it. Thus, the exact boundaries of how much silky actress skin could be shown were more strictly defined and carefully guarded than North Korea's borders. Once the critical component of 'casually jiggling' is removed from Charlie' Angels all you're left with is the plot. We could write a better plot by sticking a pen and paper in a tub of Jell-O and shaking it around. Or have Drew Barrymore write it with the pen wedged between her titties. But, don't let that image detract from the sheer fact that titties titties deficient in the sense that titties, titties, titties. Titties, titties, titties, titties? Titties. PS: If you ever replace Bill Murray with Bernie Mac, you'd better be doing some kind of Schindler' List thing where you're saving good comedians in a dark, totalitarian comic-killing future. No offense to fans of "Man-that-guy-talks-in-a-funny-way!" humor, but damn, that shit is whack. #3.
Bewitched
Pretty simple, really. You have an actor, Will Ferrell, starring in a movie adaptation of a TV show, in which he plays an actor, who in the movie is set to star in a TV adaptation of the same TV show the movie is an adaptation of. There are so many levels of meta here we're surprised that half way through the movie they didn't replace Will Ferrell with Will Arnett. We'll never know how many writers or rewrites that script went through before they arrived at this one. We're going to guess it happened after about the 25th revision, at about three in the morning, right after the writer had a nervous breakdown. Maybe this script is what he did instead of climbing up in a tower with a rifle. Alleged Improvement: Academy Award-winning actress Nicole KidmanThat' right, she wins the Oscar in 2002 and by 2005 she' starring in a remake about a remake of a show America forced off the air in 1972. We're trying to figure out at what stage this project still seemed like a good idea, and we're thinking it was about half a second after her agent said the words, "Nicole, we're looking at a project with Will Ferrell. It' ..." #2.
Miami Vice
On paper, you could go in a couple of different directions with a Miami Vice movie and come out the other end with a decent flick. In the spirit of the Brady Bunch Movie, you could celebrate the dated kitschy-ness that embodied the original TV counterpart and make a pretty funny movie that puts Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx in dangerously bright Armani jackets. Conversely, you could take already established characters and make a fairly decent buddy-cop, action flick. Going in a third direction, you could be Michael Mann and shit all over the iconic TV show that you, yourself, created by sticking two, ego-driven superstars with no business appearing in a film together and top it off with your interesting-to-no-one-but-you style of dark, in-your-face filmmaking. Alleged Improvement: Adding gritPeople generally remember two things about the show Miami Vice: ridiculous, now-hilarious pastel suit jackets, and the warm, sometimes homoerotic, chemistry between Don Johnson and Philip Michael Thomas. Not only were the pastels removed, but thanks to Michael Mann' "style," the entire movie was so fucking dark and gritty, you could barely tell who was Crockett and who was Tubbs. Speaking of whom, the reassuring "buddy" feel that accompanied the show was completely absent from the movie Vice, and you got the impression that Farrell and Foxx genuinely hated each other. They didn't enjoy one another' company on screen and rarely made eye contact. You half expected them to turn their guns on each other. Not that you'd know which cop to root for if it did come down to that, as there was zero character development and the whole thing looked like it was shot through a rusty window screen. #1.
Transformers
Transformers are giant kickass robots that fight and blow up things, then transform into awesome vehicles that also fight and blow up things. The 1986 animated movie makes up a fair fraction of the soul of everyone who was a boy at the time. It takes hard work to screw up that concept, but as Street Fighter and House of the Dead have proven, some directors are prepared to work extremely hard when their Dark Lord, Who Is Satan commands them. Watching Optimus Prime prancing around the house for a nerd who can't command a chihuahua with a broken leg? It's like watching your dad get beaten up at a softball game. We're not saying Michael Bay turned the '80s icons of awesomeness into a bunch of retarded, grunting dumbasses out for cheap laughs but, well, there was that one scene where Bumblebee pissed on a guy so we guess we are saying that. Sure, the movie made a billion dollars at the box office. The commercials were awesome, and how were we supposed to know it was bad if we didn't actually go see it? Twice? Alleged Improvement: Focusing on puny humans instead of the giant incredible wondrous Robots in Disguise.As you may detect, we consider that a mistake. There are only a few things humans can do that robots can't, fewer that normal people want to watch, and none that you can show in a kids' movie. After the human-centric Transformers and the disaster that was Pearl Harbor, you have to ask yourself: Does Michael Bay miss the point so spectacularly as a statement, or is it some kind of medical condition? Is he this off-point in daily life? Does he need someone to help him aim at the urinal? In any event, we've prepared this simple test: Michael, if you're making a movie about GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS, and less than one-third of the movie actually contains GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS, you may have made a mistake. |
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HEY! Street Fighter was awesome! so was Super Mario Bros.
Raul Julia & Dennis Hopper ham up their respective villains so much, it's irresistable
House of the Dead, BloodRayne, and In the Name of the King may have sucked, but they can be enjoyed when you're drunk, high, and/or both
For those who seriously despise dumb adaptation/remakes, I suggest this video (link below). Good stuff. Nice pay off at the end, too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F68U0v1UNCc&feature=channel_page
Jazz was black because the guy who played him in the original movie, Scatman Crothers was black. Idiot.
I disagree with Zenobia...the only reason why i went to see Dukes of Hazzard 2x was the fact the Johnny Knoxville looked DAMN good in those jeans. Oh and the General Lee...
In response to Zenobia, I totally want Johnny Knoxville. Not the other, not so much. I love this post, because transformers was s**t.
Well, if you didn't like the human-centricity of Transformers, you'll probably be pleased to know that there will be ~40 robots and a lot more screen time for them for the sequel
One other crime that Dukes of Hazard the movie committed is the choice of fugly actors to play Bo and Luke Duke. On the TV show, those guys were manlicious, especially the guy that played Bo. But Johnny Knoxville and the dude from the American Pie movies? What woman not on her tenth beer would be attracted to them?!
Also, TF did two things absolutely right: The sound and the Voice. When they transformed, the correct noises were made, and when Optimus spoke, it was Optimus's voice.
the thing about the transformers movie is that it can't be viewed as a stand-alone, but rather as an introduction to a franchise. Yes, the 'Formers themselves weren't featured nearly enough, but you have to take into account that making them look as good as they did and having them onscreen the amount of time that they were cost approximately eleventy billion dollars. But, now that the character models are all developed and whatnot, they can be much more prevalent in the sequels, along with a few new robots being introduced per movie
Transformers has to be one of the biggest cinematic crimes ever in the history of film in total, not only comic book adaptions. Wtf is Jazz all about?? WHERE DID THE BLACK TRANSFORMER COME FROM? Usual answer: "Stop been racist u bad guy." Ahem, simply because this concerns someone of race doesn't mean that is the motivation behind my complaint. We are talking about lame adaptations and why they don't work, right? Making s**t up to be PC is therefore one of those reasons. Reasons documented above are also good. Then there is also the lame Autobot jokes, the overly japanese and new gen look of the robots. Huge lack of decepticons being assholes. Also i f*****g hate that Shyla Lebeouf phaggorts, or w/e his name is. He also almost managed to ruin the new Indy. I could go on for ages, but tbh recalling yet another movie that has managed to ruin yet another of my fav childhood toys/stories/comics etc is way too painful.
Transformers was badass. True i was too young for the 86 flick and i didnt try to seek it out till after i saw the new one, but come on. Even though they werent on screen enough (neither was Megan Fox) but i was damn near giddy watching them fight and tear the city to s**t. That Lebouf kid can be eliminated though. Instead of him buying a car, the plot should have been Miss Fox finds out her vibrator was a transformer sent to please her, and save the universe or something...
WHAT?! Transformers as #1?? Seriously, I expected to see a piece of s**t when I reluctantly accepted to go see it with my friends, and it turned out I loved it. Sorry but I strongly disagree with that one.
loved transformers, if only when the transformers were actually on screen. and yes, megan ultra-fox titties were tits
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about murdering Michael Bay.
Sorry, but i think you must be drinking too much moonshine to think transformers was the best movie of '07, did you forget the coen brothers? did you forget this particular cracked writer put tranny-formers as no. 1 for the purpose of protecting you from it's torture?
I will never forgive Michael Bay for letting a dog pee on Optimus Prime.
also, f**k you Shia LeBouf.
Sorry, but the new Transformers movie was the only thing that has gotten non-Transformers fans actually WATCHING the movie. It was the best thing to hit the screens that year by far. Figures you would find something to piss about, though...
In transformers I want to see the f*****g robots, not humans, that`s exactly why the new series aren`t as good as the old classic shows.
"a" you've obviously never watched the original Miami Vice
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Please don't berate me this is just my opinion ok. When I watched Miami Vice it didn't have the same impact like collateral. Reason, why I loved collateral was that it looked so real and the actions were awesome. As for Bewitched, I was a big fan of the series well I wasn't born back then but they still aired the show here. Anyway there's nothing wrong with the movie actually, it just didn't have the same impact like the original series