As far as we can tell, MTV' Video Music Awards exists so celebrities can get all hopped up on drugs and do retarded things-that would be embarrassing to any normal human being-the media lauds as "spontaneous and unscripted." And, MTV keeps producing it only so they can make a series of shows about the greatest VMA moments. Well, with the 2007 VMAs on the horizon, we figured we'd get in on the recap action by bringing you the five most absurd moments in this idiot pageant's history.
#5. Michael Jackson Kisses "Wife" Lisa Marie Presley (1994)
Synopsis: Elvis' daughter does her father' legacy proud by going on national TV and making out with Michael Jackson, who is dressed in catcher' gear from the knees down for some reason. The audience practically loses their fucking heads over the kiss, proving once again that awards-show audiences would cheer if Joseph Stalin took the stage and ate an entire Russian baby if they thought it was how they were expected to react.
Meanwhile, Lisa Marie Presley' failed acting career is foreshadowed by her inability to act like she is happily married, giving off a vibe more like that of a "kidnapping victim desperately trying to signal for help without alerting her captor."
Highlight: At 0:03, after a kiss that's more awkward than anything this side of seventh-grade rec-center dance, Jackson immediately turns away from the camera to hide the fact that he just vomited in his mouth.
#4. Nirvana Bassist "Catches" Guitar With His Face (1992)
Synopsis: They begin the performance playing the opening chords to Rape Me, suggesting that they are about to commit career " well, you know. Kurt Cobain is sporting the same haircut as that girl from your second-grade class who was way too into horses. Also, he appears to be wearing some sort of floral-patterned muumuu.
As the song comes to an end bassist Krist Novoselic throws his 30-pound instrument into the air and, rather than getting the fuck out of the way, tries to catch it, knocking himself clean out and treating us to a delightful impression of Mike Tyson at the end of the Buster Douglas fight. As if all of this isn't weird enough, at the close of the performance, Dave Grohl gets on the mic and repeats the phrase "Hi Axl!" over and over again, which only could have been made weirder if he was beating the shit out of Dan Rather while saying it.
Highlight: Gotta be at 4:01. These days, videos like this are everywhere, but Krist Novoselic was the Jackie Robinson of people hurting themselves on camera in retarded ways.
#3. Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Madonna Show Off Their "Virginal" Sides (2003)
Synopsis: Despite their best whorish efforts, non-nude porn stars Britney Spears, Madonna and Christina Aguilera did allow one virgin-like element to seep into this performance: Britney' "singing," as it's almost identical to the sound of a young woman' reaction to her hymen being torn (Oh, and the girl has a really, really shitty voice). So, why is it that everyone remembers the Britney-Madonna kiss, and no one makes mention of the Christina-Madonna kiss? Probably because everyone loves watching a girl become a whore; if you're already one, it' just not that exciting. Considering Britney's ongoing spiral towards insanity, this is the equivalent of the after school special cheerleader drinking at a party, which sends her on a path of sex, pregnancy and tearful confessions. Only nowhere in the plot of The Drinking Party That Ruined Susie does Susie shave her head to dodge a drug test, or grind up against Criss Angel.
Highlight: At 1:41, MTV shows Justin Timberlake, clearly shocked and hurt as the girl he loved is lesin'-out in front of millions of people, including his friends and parents. Well, at least that Criss Angel story probably didn't catch him totally off guard.
#2. Fiona Apple "Bravely" Denounces Show Business (1997)
Synopsis: Upon winning the Moonman for Best New Artist, Apple steps up on her soapbox and delivers an oh-so-lame "be yourself" speech, complete with a vague Maya Angelou quote to show the world she's been to this site. Her bold, effectual message-"This world is bullshit!"-convinced every celebrity to stop being famous and influential, which is why America no longer has an entertainment industry.
Highlight: At 2:16, when she points to you (you affected, Entertainment Tonight-watching swine, you) and says "See, Maya Angelou..." All the while, she's thinking, "Fuck, I'm so deep and profound, they can't handle me. I'm so profound, I'm gonna give my next album a 90-word title, which they also won't be able to handle."
#1. R Kelly "Performs" Trapped in the Closet (2005)
Synopsis: Transcending the VMAs, this is quite possibly the oddest live performance we've seen anywhere, ever. If the song wasn't a Top 40 hit, we're pretty sure it would qualify as avant-garde performance art. For one, it doesn't appear that Kelly or MTV are trying to do anything to hide that fact that he' lip-syncing. Missing entire words, phrases and even sentences, you can't help but get the impression that he doesn't know the lyrics despite having written the song. Even stranger is Kelly' decision to over act every role portrayed in the song, including the woman he' sleeping with, her husband, her husband' gay lover and himself. The only role that Kelly manages to pull off, however, is "man in suit with the intellect of a 5 year old playing with his imaginary friends."
Highlight: At 4:45, Kelly gets into an argument with himself and completely loses his shit, fake-shouting words that aren't even in the song. Then, apparently confused about which character he' supposed to be, he starts pretending to put earrings on for no discernible reason.