The 2007 Lineup: 35 Soon-To-Be-Cancelled Shows

CBS

Viva Laughlin

A "mystery drama with music" produced by professional angry magician and Wolverine Hugh Jackman about a guy who wants to open a casino but doesn't have any money. It's like someone threw up a premise for a television show.

The Big Bang Theory

In the pilot episode, cosmic gases come closer and closer together...as if they are forming something. What could they be doing? Stay tuned for 21 more episodes to find out!

Cane

A large Cuban-American family runs a sugar and rum business in Florida, but it quickly becomes a drug business. In a shocking mid-season power struggle, star Jimmy Smits tries to wrest power from his father by growing a bigger mustache than him, but in a shocking twist, the matriarch of her family seizes control when she reveals the size of her mustache, which fills an entire Olympic-sized swimming pool.

Kid Nation

In this reality show, a group of 40 prepubescent kids take up residence in a ghost town with no adults. Things take a sour turn when Piggy, the glasses-wearing fat kid, is crushed by a falling piano. Soon after, everyone starves because no one has a job.

Moonlight

A private investigator...who is also a vampire! If this show succeeds, stay tuned for several similar shows next year, like Werewolf Chef, Frankenstein Nanny and Zombie Magistrate Court Judge.

Swingtown

A mid-season replacement about 1970s era wife-swapping. So it's the premise of any number of porn films without the nudity or graphic sex? Consider me sold!



FOX

K-Ville

A cop show set in New Orleans (the "K" stands for "Katrina"). Hard-nosed police officer Scads Kneecap and his partner Charles "Wrinkles" Relish take the city back after years of it being run by rogue weather phenomena. In the pilot, they take down a ring of tornadoes that have been beating up hookers while digging deeper into a low pressure system that's been spreading drugs all over town.

New Amsterdam

A New York City homicide detective is actually a guy who was granted immortality 360 years ago. So, it's Highlander without the swords or the Reckoning or Sean Connery or basically anything cool. Great.

Back To You

Kelsey Grammer and the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond are a broadcast news team in Pittsburgh...blah blah blah, I'm falling asleep just typing this.



Kitchen Nightmares

So you're at the breakfast nook, right? And all of the sudden, the red-hot George Foreman grill is flying right at your face! And, what's this? The refrigerator has turned into the ex-girlfriend who dumped you to marry your douche of a brother! Ahhhhh! And then you wake up, and you're all like, "That was fucked up."

The Search for the Next Great American Band

Sorry, TV show, I've already found the next great American band. They're called "Maneaters: A Tribute to Hall and Oates," and they will change the face of rock forever.

Nashville

This is a reality show about attention-hungry people trying to make it in the country music industry by whoring themselves American Idol-style, but here they're wearing cowboy boots.

The Sarah Connor Chronicles

After destroying the liquid metal Terminator from Terminator 2, Sarah and John Connor move on with their lives, only to find out that the T-800 model has become governor of California. When the T-800 cannot get Democratic state legislators to agree on a state budget plan, a deadlock threatens to shut down important state services and programs! Can Sarah and John kill the legislators to stop the deadlock and save the future?

The Return of Jezebel James

Two estranged sisters move in together when one agrees to carry another's baby. How much do you want to bet they're totally different from one another? And that they'll get into wild disagreements? Man, I can't wait for this breath of fresh air on the airwaves!

The CW

Life is Wild

A New York City family moves to the wilds of Africa. Luckily, there's a Starbucks there, so they can get coffee and all the free wireless Internet they want.



Aliens in America

A regular American 16-year-old's life is turned completely upside-down when an exchange student from Pakistan moves to town! From the producers of Carl the Lovable Xenophobe and Saturday Night Lynch Mob.


Reaper

A guy in his early twenties discovers his parents sold their souls to the devil years ago and now has to go around the world doing Satan's dirty work. Suburban goth kids everywhere will proclaim that the protagonist is just like them before they have to put on their Polo shirts so they can get in their shift at Borders.

Gossip Girl

A very rich, very spoiled girl not unlike a certain heiress famous for flashing her snatch to the world and not much else, discovers that money can't buy everything. Clearly, the show is fiction, because the real world, money clearly can do anything you want, like reduce your jail sentence by half and remove you from the general prison population.

Thanks, justice system!

Matt needs to sleep for about two weeks after spending much longer than he intended on this piece. In the meantime, read his blog, the not-very-cleverly titled MW Blog .

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