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The 2007 Lineup: 35 Soon-To-Be-Cancelled Shows
All the major networks (and The CW) unveiled their new fall schedules last week at events known to industry types as the "upfronts." Generally these events are ways for people in the industry to annually hook up and go on day-long benders, but a few insiders will tell you that they also have to do with... advertising rates? Something stupid like that. Nearly every year, in between all the drinking and fucking, executives usually find a few minutes to talk about the new shows coming to their networks this fall before they're canceled mid-season and replaced by another hour of Deal or No Deal. Here's the shitstorm the networks trotted out this year. The Bionic Woman
Journeyman
Chuck
Life
The Singing Bee
World Moves
Heroes: Origins
Sam I Am
Carpoolers
Pushing Daisies
Private Practice
Women's Murder Club
|
In
a move that is shockingly not a joke, the struggling peacock network has
decided to bring back this 1970s show about a half-mechanical woman and
her shockingly realistic android feathered hair. It's probably a safe
bet to say it's been updated to be dark and sinister like the new Battlestar
Galactica, but personally I would prefer to see a simple technology
update, so that instead of space-age moon-boot gadgetry, she's entirely
composed of telecommunications devices, so that we can finally see that
old "hold on, I'm getting a fax" joke in a realistic context. 
A
newspaper reporter suddenly starts traveling through time and helping
people. So basically it's Quantum Leap, but instead of helping
set things right in the past, the main character just takes notes on things
and keeps screaming, "What a scoop!" 
A
guy who works at a big-box electronics store opens an e-mail that downloads
a whole database of government secrets into his brain. Seriously, that's
the premise of the show. Stay tuned for the second season, when he gets
a disk full of U.N. Ambassadors' home phone numbers stuck in his rectum!
A
cop who was falsely imprisoned for years returns to the force with a whole
different outlook. A true renegade, he rides around a motorcycle with
his Native American sidekick and changes his name to Lorenzo Lamas. 
It's
hilarious hijinks for three IT guys in an office somewhere in America.
Finally, audiences can get an extra half hour at home listening to guys
sneering at people because they have to do their job and talking about
how "actually, Gerard Christopher didn't play Superboy in the first season."
From
the author of the book that inspired Sex and the City comes a
show that isn't like Sex and the City at all because this one
only has three upper-class female main characters and Brooke Shields instead
of Sarah Jessica Parker. Completely different. 
A
game show in which contestants will have to accurately sing the lyrics
of popular songs. So unfortunately this isn't going to start a trend of
shows about anthropomorphic animals doing human jobs like I had hoped.
So no pipe-fitting bears. At least not yet. 
Famous
American Idol black guy Randy Jackson hosts a dance competition
show. Maybe he'll call somebody "dawg!" Wouldn't that be something? 
See
all the hospitals where your favorite Heroes characters were
born! You'll never guess where Hiro's mom gave birth to him! Here's a
hint: It's in Japan! 
So
wait, you want to make a half-hour show with a season of at least 13 episodes
out of those 
In
the touching television adaptation of the Sean Penn movie of the same
name, a retarded guy does things that are really discomforting and make
you feel bad. No, I'm just kidding, it's actually a show starring the
daughter from Married...With Children that no one's going to
watch. 
Four
guys at different stages in their life ride together to work. Imagine
the intense drama of Kevin wondering what kind of donut Jeff is eating.
Or if Tim, the driver, is jealous of Hank, who's catching a couple Z's
in the back seat. Shit, why did Hank drink all that coffee? Will they
ever get out of this traffic jam?!?! Tuesday nights on ABC! 
A
detective discovers that he can touch people and bring them back from
the dead. Which throws his recent necrophilia kick straight to hell, let
me tell you. 
Some
woman who was on Grey's Anatomy stars in a spinoff of Grey's
Anatomy - because nothing makes for better TV than people who are
supposed to be spending their day saving lives instead gossiping and giggling
like middle schoolers. And now it's taking place in a different city!
In
the most avant garde new show of the season, 
Four
dudes are all, like, really rich and head companies or something. Look,
it's a show about douche bags, so watch it if you're into that sort of
thing. 
Otherwise
known as "marriage." Am I right, fellas? Huh? 
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