The 10 Gayest Super Bowl Halftime Performances
On Super Sunday, football fans' favorite take-no-prisoners artist will perform at halftime, musically expressing the patriotic sentiment captured by the NFL's biggest game. Get ready to rock the fuck out with"¦ Prince? What the shit? Not that there's anything wrong with Prince, per se, and there's certainly nothing wrong with homosexuals. But there IS something wrong with so badly misunderstanding your target demographic. After all, would poodle enthusiasts want Slayer to open up the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show? The sensual boy-man is just the latest in a string of terrible bookings by the powers that be in the NFL. Join us on a journey through the most horribly miscast performers of Super Bowls past.
10
Sting
Buccaneers vs. Raiders
THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION
"Sting is the perfect choice for this testosterone charged media event. I mean, 'sting' is what happens to you if you touch a bee, which hurts. Umm, and 'The Police' is a pretty intimidating name too. Black people are scared of the police."
WHY THEY PICKED WRONG
The only thing that gets fans less fired up than watching a 125-pound British guy sing about fields of gold is watching a 125-pound British guy with one name sing about fields of gold. That, and "Roxanne."
9
Phil Collins
Rams vs. Titans
THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION
"Hey, he's the guy with the song about the 'air tonight,' right? Isn't that about letting someone die or something? That sounds kind of cool. People like cool."
WHY THEY PICKED WRONG
Hey, he's the guy who brought us soft-pop shitbombs like 'Sussudio' and recently penned the soundtrack to the decade's most mind-numbingly stupid children's film, Brother Bear, right?
8
John Goodman
Packers vs. Patriots
THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION
"Say, Goodman really looks like your average football fan: he's fat, whiskery and eats food like Tony Montana does coke. Those slobs will love him."
WHY THEY PICKED WRONG
Goodman performed as part of the new Blues Brothers, which specializes in pissing on the grave of the late, beloved John Belushi. If there's one thing those slobs don't like, it's Dan from Rosanne dishonoring Bluto from Animal House.
7
Enrique Iglesias
Rams vs. Titans
THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION
"Let's really go after that Latino demographic this year. Those bastards will run the country pretty soon, and they're money's as green as ours is."
WHY THEY PICKED WRONG
Latinos find Enrique Iglesias as effeminately annoying as all other races do. Hell, maybe even more so. But, in a way, that unified hate brought people together. And isn't that what football's all about?
6
Diana Ross
Cowboys vs. Steelers
THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION
"The Pointer Sisters are all either in rehab or having hip surgery, but we still want to target the apathetically disinterested demographic this year."
WHY THEY PICKED WRONG
If there's one thing that people from Dallas and Pittsburgh have in common, it's that they'd rather get shot in the kneecap with a crossbow than listen to "Endless Love" between halves.
Did anyone else notice that the years 2000, 2001 and 1992 all appear twice on this list?
ReplyAnd the black eyed peas weren't on here because??
ReplyThey were seriously awful. I do not understand why they put such bullshittery on for half time shows. When I was a kid, I remember half time shows being a lot better than this stuff that's been on here in recent years.
So... reaffirmed that heterosexuality yet?
ReplyHoly Shit! This is the same article as the "Worst Halftime Shows Ever".
ReplyYou're right, WTF!
Bad form Clive Bannister. I have no problem when you call a half-time show gay when it comes off as homoerotic or very effeminate, but you are using gay as an adjective that is synonymous with bad. Your gay friend should kick your ass, well if you had gay friends. Likely, if you talk like this then the ass-kicking has already occurred and your homosexual pals have already moved on to better friends.
ReplyThis. I thought (judging by Prince being in this article's picture) that it meant homoerotic/effeminate, which honestly would have been a funnier article. I am disappoint.
complaining about how people use words out of context is so gay. i have a number of HOMOSEXUAL friends, and none of them throw bitch-fits when I or any of m other friends use the term 'gay' as a negative statement. crying about how someone uses a word while they mean no offense to anyone of creed, race, or orientation, is an attempt to seem better than them. so really, your'e acting no better than those who would actually be chastising people different from themselves.
number 1 had me in stitches
ReplyI am going to come in way late on this one and declare that if a Dallas Cowboy fan prefers a crossbow to the knee, I prefer a bolt somewhere else.
ReplySuper Bowl 33 was in 1999, not 2000.
ReplyPrince is not gay!! He's flamboyant like hell, but gay he is not!
ReplyHis mouth begs to differ
So Prince didn't make the list? I'm a huge fan of His Royal Purpleness (my penis) but I ALSO enjoy Prince's music. Why wasn't he lambasted?
Reply