Normal standards of decency (as well as the CRACKED legal team) prohibit us from revealing the exact methods Maggie Seaver used to please her husband, the insatiable sexual deviant Jason Seaver. But know this: it took a whole lot of copper wire and hundreds of gallons of maple syrup. Combine Maggie's sexual willingness with the whole tall blonde thing, and, by God, you've got yourself one hell of a woman.
Despite her negative qualities-most notably her psychotic obsession with her hair and her inexplicable love of late Beach Boys music-Jesse could really fill out a pair of black jeans. In addition to Jesse's supple thighs and angelic facial features, she was sexually liberated enough to carry on a torrid same-sex relationship with the neighborhood lesbian, Becky. Perhaps Jesse's sexiest quality is the fact that she was more than just a sex symbol-she was a great mother, too. After all, she did a great job protecting those kids from live-in pedophile Joey Gladstone.
A former hippie, Elyse Keaton always approached motherhood with tranquility, a sense of humor, and, most importantly, an ass like an eight-year-old boy. Her loose past made her infinitely more attractive, but the fact that she voluntarily slept with douchey husband Steven made her borderline revolting and, consequently, results in her being ranked arguably lower than warranted on this list. But, man, fuck Steven.