To: Chloe O’Brien
From: Jack Bauer
Re: My New Phone
As you know we’ve got the annual "urgent terrorist threat day" coming up. I got the new cell phone you sent me last week and I had a few quick questions/comments:
- The Network: Please double check that I will get full bars in the hull of a nuclear submarine. The last time you were giving me disarming codes, I couldn’t be sure if you were saying "B" or "D." Also, I could never understand what that fat guy Edgar was saying. It sounded like he was slobbering all over the place. Obviously everything worked out, but every time you guys repeated yourselves, precious seconds were ticking away, which is especially problematic in light of current roaming charges.
- Battery: The phone has yet to go more than 23.5 hours before requiring a recharge. I hope you see how this could be problematic.
- 180 Megapixel Camera: Obviously I’m impressed, but I wonder if I really need this much imaging power. Sure, it works great for long-range photos of suspects and technical schematics, but as you can see from the above example taken at the office Xmas party, the high resolution really brings out my wrinkles. (Also, re: Xmas Party, Buchanan can bitch all he wants, but anyone wearing a disguise on CTU headquarter will be assumed to be an under cover operative, and can expect to be shot. I don't care if he was dressed like Santa Clause.)
- Ringtone: I know you say that it’s crucial that I keep the ring tone that our sponsors gave me, but I really couldn’t be any more goddamn tired of that “This is Our Country” song.
- GPS: Works great. Radar, sonar and infrared sensors combined with downloaded blueprints allow me to pinpoint the locations of any hostiles between me and my target. During my last trip to Ralph's, I was also able to find canned pineapples while only torturing three stock clerks.
Despite these few concerns (and as much as I hate having to re-enter all of my contacts), I am ready to move forward with the upgrade. I want you to know that I appreciate your help in this matter.
The President is in danger. I need you to trust me or the entire city of Los Angeles will be wiped off the map.
P.S. The President isn't really in danger. That’s the only parting salutation that I know. Are there others that are more appropriate for casual conversations? Please advise.
Read more of Zach's writing on his blog, UnderpantsOnTheOutside.com
, and on his comic book humor site, SuperheroDiaries.com