I Think It's Time We Consider Eating Each Other's Flesh

Quiet down, everyone. If we could all just find our seats here. James? James, I'll need you to sit down. Well, for two reasons: one, because I have the conch shell and two, because I'm motherfucking Matthew Fox.

You shut your mouth when you're talking
to Matthew Fox!
Because we agreed that whoever has the conch gets to talk, James. Well has anyone else here been nominated for a Teen Choice Award? I didn't think so. No, Steve, nobody cares that you have a P-H-whatever.

Yes, very mature, Steve. I'm sure we're all very amused at the idea of me having sexual congress with the conch.

Okay, let' quiet down. So far, there have been no rescue attempts and I think it' reasonable to assume that it might be a while before we are rescued. Now, fresh water shouldn't be too difficult to find, but it will only sustain us for a few days. More importantly, we're going to need food, and I think we'll all agree that we only have one clear option. That's right-I think it' time we thought about eating each other' flesh.

Matthew Fox's middle finger bitch!
More on that later.

Quiet down, please-I'm still speaking. Now, look at the ground. We started here, in Cleveland, and were headed here, south, to Akron. That's at least 40 miles, people. By my calculations, we veered off course to the west by at least 4-maybe 6-miles, thanks to James, who just had to go to the bathroom. Thanks a lot, James.

So if we were headed south, but then turned west, and" Oh my God-that means we're 10 miles off course. They won't know where to look for us.

James. James! Please get off your cell phone while I'm speaking. No, I don't care about this "triple A" business. We need to worry about surviving, not a bunch of crazy letters. Because I have the conch, that's why. Yes, I know it's a Starbucks travel mug, but we agreed that we would refer to it as "the conch" from here on in. Matthew motherfucking Fox agreed, that' who!

If you have to ask why Matthew
Fox dumped a Diet Sprite on
his head you're never gonna
survive out here.
Now, which human we decide to feast upon is going to be-hey, I don't want to hear any more nonsense about the "Hardee's" on the other side of the "highway." Let's be practical, people.

Now, as I was saying before Steve interrupted me" Nicole, you've lived a long, healthy life, and, well, simply put, there's a lot of you to go around. This is not time to get offended, Nicole. Yes, 130 pounds is overweight. Well I think it is. Don't roll your eyes at me.

You've lived a full, vivacious 26 years, and I think it's time you sacrificed yourself for the good of the group. Now is no time to be a coward, Nicole.

Nicole's getting away, people! Steve, this is not funny! Shit-she's headed towards the Hardee's! Don't follow her, James! Steve! What's wrong with all you people?! We'll never survive if we don't stick together! We need to eat Nicole's flesh! Nicole, I want to eat your flesh!

NICOLE! JAMES! STEVE! OH JESUS WE'LL NEVER SURVIVE!

Oh, hi. Thanks for coming so quickly. Yeah, just a flat. It was pretty nasty out here for a while though. Lucky I'm used to being Lost. Did you hear what I said? Used to being LOST? Nothing? You don't recognize me? Where have you been for the past year, on a desert island?

Wow, even with the desert island thing, still nothing? I thought that would have done it. Oh well. Would you mind me asking you how much you weigh, sir?

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