Simpsons Origins: Groundskeeper Willie coined this expression in "Round Springfield" (April 30, 1995). However, the origins of the phrase can't be separated from its appropriation by conservative writer Jonah Goldberg, who helped spread this slur for the French by using it in many of his National Review columns. Alas, Jonah Goldberg isn't funny-at least not intentionally-so we're giving this one to Willie and the Simpsons writers. Sorry, Jonah, you'll get your chance next week when CRACKED runs "14 Racist Things Jonah Goldberg Said That No One Cared About."
Real World Applications: For much of recorded history, we've had plenty of reasons to hate the French but tragically few insults to hurl at them. Then The Simpsons rode up on a white, Duff-fueled stallion and, as they so often do, made our lives substantially better, creating a wonderful insult that continues to spawn countless useful and appropriate variations. Using cheese-eating surrender monkey as a template, and getting creative, you've suddenly got wine-swilling surrender monkeys, frog-chomping capitulation apes, or white flag-waving baguette baboons (try it at home!).
For extra fun, change a few more words around and the same basic template can be applied to other countries. Isn't that right, Canada? Or should we say Molson-Chugging Hockey Vaginas?
Simpsons Origins: Even before Homer gave him this nickname in "The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star," (May 15, 2005), George W. Bush has been a nickname magnet. He's the Nicknamer-in-Chief who came up with Turd Blossom (Karl Rove), Pootie-Poot (Vladimir Putin), Landslide (Tony Blair), Congressman Kickass (John E. Sweeney) and the pairing of Little Stretch and Super Stretch for two lanky White House beat reporters. He's also been the Nicknamee-in-Vhief, and Commander Cuckoo-Bananas is one of many that have been a little less flattering than Dubya or The Decider.
Real World Applications: Despite all of the hard work that no doubt went into crafting President Bush's many, many nicknames over the past few years (Chimpy McBunnypants, Drinky McCokeSpoon, Smirky McFlightsuit, President Short Bus, Drunk Texas Prairie Monkey, Bushitler, Jesus W. Bush, Spurious George, Flubya, Fundraiser-in-Vhief or Darth Dubyous), none can match Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in its delicate simplicity and intentional lack of subtlety. Vintage Simpsons.
Simpsons Origins: In "Lisa the Iconoclast" (Feb. 18, 1996), two of the most well-known Simpsons-centric words were introduced, when legendary Jebediah Springfield is quoted as saying, "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man," and another teacher reassures Mrs. Krabappel that embiggen is a "perfectly cromulent word."
Real World Applications: Like cleave-which means both "to bring together" and "to separate"-cromulent is its own opposite, meaning both respectable and not respectable at all. If you have a hard time remembering this definition, think about cleavage; how two breasts are separate, yet as one. In fact, go ahead and think about cleavage right now. As a matter of fact, think about cleavage as a solution to any problem. Then, fail Calculus.
Simpsons Origins: In "Lisa's Date with Density" (Nov. 5, 2000), Nelson and Lisa share a crush, which puts a chink in the little thug's bully cred. He's confronted by his peers:
Dolph: You're broadcasting geek rays all over the entire valley.
Nelson: 'Fraid not! I'm still wicked bad.
Jimbo: Oh, yeah? Then prove it, assbutt.
Real World Applications: We know how it is-you're writing out Christmas cards and you need something special that brilliantly sums up how you feel about all of your friends and relatives. And let's face it: Asshole, asshat, buttmunch and butt burglar just don't carry the same shock value that they used to. The wordsmiths over at Simpsons headquarters step in, and now you have 200 "Dear Assbutt" cards, ready for delivery. Be sure to thank Groening and company for saving Christmas, once again.
Simpsons Origins: The first Simpsons use was in "Lisa's Wedding" (March 19, 1995):
Bart: Oh, these Renaissance fairs are so boring.
Marge: Oh, really? Did you see the loom? I took loom in high school.'
(Marge then weaves the message "Hi Bart, I am weaving on a loom")
Real World Applications: If you're on the Internet much, (as you undoubtedly are, right this goddamn second), the success of meh isn't a newsflash. It's such a perfect expression of adolescent blahness that most people who use it don't even realize that it originated with our favorite yellow family. That's how effective and appropriate meh is; we assume it is our body's natural reaction to being unimpressed. You eat when you're hungry, you pee when you need to pee and you say meh when you're bored. And The Simpsons made that happen. Impressive, right?
Simpsons Origins: When Homer said, "Expand my brain, learning juice!" ("See Homer run," Nov. 20, 2005) alcoholics everywhere gained a new rallying cry.
Real World Applications: While learning juice may be the perfect way to describe beer, Simpsons-loving lushes already had plenty of boozy one-liners to choose from, including, "To alcohol, the cause of-and solution to-all of life's problems," "I'm a people person... who drinks" and "Alright, brain, you don't like me and I don't like you. But let's just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer."
We here at CRACKED will not rest until learning juice is nationally recognized as the new official name of beer. After that, we shall continue not resting until learning juice is
a) constantly stocked and available in every supermarket, hospital and car wash;
b) required drinking in every school;
c) part of a balanced breakfast;
d) a welcomed replacement for water in water fountains; and
e) totally free.
Once all of those demands are met, then we'll rest. We'll rest so goddamn hard that we won't remember all of the learning juice-related yelling, beating and sexing from the previous night.
Mark Peters is making a dictionary with his blog Wordlustitude, where readers can learn words such as "skankspionage," "pre-schmoopification," and "cat-nookiepalooza."