Pop quiz: when's Mom's birthday? (Month, day, and year.)
Now, quick, where do the Gummi Bears bounce?
If you're an average, red-blooded American between the ages of 18 and 30, you most likely just answered, "Um, March-ish?," followed by an almost immediate, tuneful "Here and there and everywhere!"
It's tragic, really. For every math formula forgotten, every anniversary that passes unremembered, and every pet ferret dead from starvation, there's a cartoon theme song from our youth, tenaciously hogging our limited mental hard drive space. In what is perhaps some sort of small attempt to exorcise these demonically persistent tunes from the depths of our consciousness, we've ranked 15 of them through the highly technical and thoroughly researched process of writing down whichever ones we could remember/find on YouTube first. Enjoy.
#15—#11: THE ONES WE REALLY, REALLY WISH WE COULD FORGET
Nails on chalkboard? A kick to the head? Nope, it's"¦
#15: Tiny Toon Adventures
Even the eight year-olds who are only allowed to use the safety scissors know that rechristening Tom Cruise "Tom Snooze" does not an insightful pop culture reference make, so we can only attribute the (otherwise baffling) success of this show to its theme song. The annoyingly upbeat song is so addictively sugary that it is single-handedly responsible for the ear diabetes epidemic of 1995. Also, we die a little inside every time we remember a song that, at the depths of its brilliance, not only coins the adjective "Toony," but also two lines later, rhymes it with "Cartoony."
#14: Gummy Bears
Maybe you wouldn't be completely ashamed if your fourth grade friends found out you enjoyed "high adventure that's beyond compare," but for a concept that's in the running for "Most Improbable Product Tie-In Ever" (let us not forget "Rubix: The Amazing Cube!"), the show actually featured some halfway decent fantasy-type adventure. Still, did the singer, with his soft and lilting tones, have to make the main characters sound like such damn pussies?
#13: He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
Latent homosexual undertones? Oh, come on, you're overreacting. Just because he's called "He-man""¦ we mean, sure, that's smirk's a little suggestive, and that pageboy haircut doesn't exactly scream, "Come meet my girlfriend" …Oh God, did he just call his powers "fabulous?" Tell me his costume isn't really just glorified S&M gear. Holy crap, He-Man's a madge.
(Side note: We'd completely forgotten that "He-man" was a secret identity, but a leather harness ranks just below the removal of Clark Kent's glasses as the worst superhero disguise ever.)
Oh, don't act so shocked, you knew it was coming. Sure, the lyrics immortalize what we imagine was the greatest product pitch of the late twentieth century ("They're like robots! But, you know, in disguise"), but the music is atonal, screeching and forgettable. Half of the time the lyrics don't even fit. Especially enjoyable is when the songwriters try to squeeze the four syllables of "Decepticons" into a space where only one is available. So sorry, robo-fans. It was a great show, and an unbeatable idea, but amazingly crap-tastic composing.
"Well, boys, we're down to the wire here. The network wants the show tomorrow, and all we're missing is the theme. Animation, this looks great. Top notch art. Music guys, you've done well. The beat is catchy, and I love the searing guitar riffs. Writers, what have you got for me? Wait, are you kidding? This is literally the word "Thundercats" written thirty-odd times in a row. How much are we paying you? Look, I don't care if your wife just left you. Anyway, it's too late now. Just record the damn thing."