6 Video Game Gimmicks That Went Away Too Soon (And 6 More That Need to Die)
|
Since its birth, video gaming has undergone an incredible evolution, from simple sprites and a ghost-eating Pac-Man to today' domination of home consoles. After all that time, any gamer who' worth their weight in rupees will remember (fondly, or otherwise) some once-common sights that went the way of the Virtual GameBoy, never to be seen or heard from again. CRACKED recalls some video-game staples of yesteryear, and admits that, in the end, there are still more of them kicking around than we'd like. GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
Acid, Spike and/or Lava Pits
In a world where you basically move in two directions-left or, if you're feeling really adventurous, right-there' not a lot that can fuck up your day more than a pit full of pointy and/or bubbling, white-hot hazards. From spikes to acid to a simple abyss (lazy programmers), pits have often plagued the weary gamer and forced too many long jumps.
Enemies and Power-Ups That Make No Fucking Sense Whatsoever
Whether they're collecting mushrooms and feathers to kill turtles or rings and emeralds to kill a fat doctor, classic video-game characters have always been subjected to tracking down and collecting the most useless, random objects to defeat the most existentially absurd foes imaginable.
Although, to be fair, our turtle, Boxy, did get pretty sick when he got into our mushrooms.
Long, Unintelligible Passwords
Who Made it Famous: Kid Icarus, Paperboy, Castlevania, Prince of Persia, King' Bounty, Starflight Although now a standard feature, the "Save Point" was once a luxury, not a right. In the Dark Ages of NES, gamers were forced to break out chisels and tablets in order to etch long, complex passwords just to avoid starting their games over when their moms invariably unplugged the system to use the vacuum cleaner. A note to developers of the Sega Genesis game King' Bounty, which featured a 64-character password input screen: Kids play games to avoid reading and writing, not practice. Villains Who Follow a Predictable Pattern
Who Made it Famous: Mega Man, Super Mario Bros., Sonic the Hedgehog, StarFox, Bomberman, The Legend of Zelda, Super Metroid, Castlevania
Not that frightening, is it? Especially once you recognize the weak spot flashing in red on his chest. Hit that three times-no more, no less-and he' guaranteed to collapse in a heap before exploding or flash red and white while fading out of existence. Spinning Blades/Falling Blocks
Who Made it Famous: Super Mario Bros., Duke Nukem, Pitfall!, Gauntlet, Tomb Raider, Mega Man, Double Dragon Game villains must have no interest in ever leaving their various lairs and/or hideouts, because the sheer number of spinning blades, falling blocks and other torture devices crammed into every conceivable corner renders them all horrible deathtraps. It' a wonder Bowser can find his way past the Whomps and rotary knives to go to the bathroom, let alone oversee his military operations outside the castle (not to mention having to deal with the multitudes of work-related injury claims from his Koopa staff). Points
Who Made it Famous: Pac-Man, Frogger, Donkey Kong, Space Invaders, Asteroids, 1942, Road Rash, Mortal Kombat Admittedly, the high score had some theoretical relevance when the arcade still ruled supreme. How else could you prove that "POO" was better at Street Fighter than "ASS?" That meaningless string of numbers represented your opportunity to engage in condoned public vulgarity, and for an 11-year-old strung out on PixyStix and Sunkist, there' not much sweeter. Fast forward to GTA 3, and the number of points you've accumulated by yourself in your living room is a lot less satisfying than keeping track of how many hookers you've paid, had sex with, run over and gotten your money back from.
|
Of all these random pit-based death traps, the king of deathly hollows has to be the lava pit-especially when made complete with fireballs that pop up so precisely on rhythm, they make Old Faithful look sloppy. Of course, in actuality even being near a pit of lava would cook you alive. But, in a universe where men mounted on giant birds joust one another for golden eggs, being near a lava pit-even one that cooks you alive-is the least of your worries.
Who Made it Famous:
Let' put it this way: We have ready access to both fruit and pills. Does this protect us from ghosts? Recent experience suggests otherwise. Thanks a lot, Pac-Man-you omnivorous yellow disc. 
You're walking down a dark alley when suddenly a masked man jumps out from behind a dumpster, scowling with a knife drawn. He shouts something unnecessarily dramatic, like, "You're dead meat!" He then proceeds to take two steps toward you, swing his knife, take two steps back, charge and repeat this pattern to infinity. 
Reddit
Facebook
StumbleUpon
Digg
Del.icio.us
FarkRecommended for Your Pleasure
-
6 New Personality Disorders Caused by the Internet
by: Jonathan Kimak495,087 views -
If Everything Was Made by Microsoft
by: CRACKED Readers435,788 views -
8 Awesome Cases of Internet Vigilantism
by: Ian Fortey1,216,298 views -
The 10 Most Perverted Old School Video Games
by: Seanbaby820,307 views
I don't think Psychonauts should go under the floating platforms one. Yes there are floating platforms in the game, but only inside of people's minds where there are things far stranger then a platfrom in mid-air. The segments of the game that take place in the real world do not have floating platforms.
ahhh... the good old days.
For some reason I can't see any of the images.
In RE4, where exactrly did Leon store his rocket launcher-holding briefcase?
The guys who made Assassins Creed were going for historical accuracy. 90% of people back then couldn't swim, especially with 100 pounds of robes and steel weighing them down. But it is still pretty damn annoying. And Jak and Daxter does let you swim, there are random floating platforms, but all in by game two they just kinda said "f**k YOU PHYSICS!"
yeah, inability to swim . . . I got an example.
I'm the most kickass assassin in all of the middle east. Men tremble when scholars pass by because I could be in their midst. I climb scyskraper-esque buildings to catch my bearings and find my targets.
BUT
I CANT f****n SWIM?!?!?!
As far as long, unintelligible passwords go, there was also Metal Gear on the NES. When I couldn't find Card 5, I broke the code and wrote myself a password that let me start the game perfectly normally - but also with Card 5.
"I like being able to carry 12 to 90 weapons at the same time. Do I care if it's not realistic? Let me ask this: Do I care that there isn't such things as face-sucking head chickens, or that gravity guns and teleporters are both completely bogus s**t? No and No. Does it make the game more fun? Yes."
Same here I like being able to carry a buttload of weapons and ammo and havin' a mad killin' spree in Grand Theft Auto games.
I'll even enter some cheat codes and get me a tank out of thin air. Why? Cuz that's how I roll bitches!!!!!!
@dushanbe4: you realize that Rorschach's face changed right? So you could have a second mug shot that looked different?
f**k you, supertramp. I was so going to make that my avatar, but now I can't put that on because it would be really awkward, and one of us would have to change.
I have to be a douchebag and point out that you can, in fact, swim in the Metal Gear Solid series. In fact, MGS3 even added the extra funtime happiness of getting infested with leeches every time you took a dip in the rank, stagnating waters of the Russian wilderness.
Good article, but I have a "f**k You" on two points:
One, shut up, floating platforms are awesome. They need no reason, it would ruin it.
Two, I like being able to carry 12 to 90 weapons at the same time. Do I care if it's not realistic? Let me ask this: Do I care that there isn't such things as face-sucking head chickens, or that gravity guns and teleporters are both completely bogus s**t? No and No. Does it make the game more fun? Yes.
am i the only guy who religiously watched spore's development for 2 years before it was made. Almost use sleep medication to sleep for away the last month till spore shipped, go to every store to get it and then find out not only it was a piece of s**t? Mines broken too so i cant even get to the space stage. i got bored of it in a week, now its collecting dust somewhere. Oh well ill just have to pin higher hopes on fable 2 and endwar. One game that doesnt dissapoint though- Medival 2 total war. it kiked ass. The disk stopped playing after 1 and a half months but still it was good. so good i bot three copies after the first broke.
You can Swim in Jak and daxter....
The inability to swim- addendum Assassin Creed.
What the f**k, man?
A correction regarding the water hazards pointed out above. I haven't played Metal Gear Solid 4 yet, but at no point in the first three games is swimming a problem.
Solid Snake sort of swims in the beginning of MGS. Granted, in MGS2, going overboard is a problem, but that can be put down to the fact that there's no way back on the ship, making the mission a failure. Raiden and Naked Snake each do a fair bit of swimming -- it's actually necessary to progress.
I always did want to consult the architect for boswer's airships. Those just have to be the most impractical designs god ever s**t out.
I just checked Wikipedia and apparently Hylians are an elf-like race. jExcuse me now while I go purge that useless bit of trivia from my brain .
Spinning blades and falling blocks are back in Megaman ZX. But this time they can be killed. Big whoop. They still rape you if they hit you.
More on Tech
-
5 Things The Gaming Industry Will Never Fix (And Why)
713,003 views -
7 Hacks That Turn Everyday Objects into Deadly Weapons
583,311 views -
5 Terrifying Bastardizations of the Wikipedia Model
540,789 views -
6 Incredible Real-World Supervillain Lairs
500,304 views
- Zombies
- Celebrity Baby Names
- Boobs - New
- Japan
- Bacon - New
- Star Trek - New
- Christopher Walken
- Beer - New
- David Caruso
- Vampires
-
Stuff Talks: The Most Terrifying Comedy Premise Ever
by: Genius Camp26,114 views -
A Series of Poor Decisions: The Twitter Song
by: Cody Johnston25,453 views
-
Articles
-
Videos
-
Columnists
-
More Cracked
-
About
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
So apparently someone forgot Portal when they said the Acid, Spike, and/or Lava Pits were no more... oh wait, Portal's instantly-lethal pits are filled with "toxic sludge," so I guess they don't fit into that category.