5 Reasons the iPhone Might Suck (And 5 Reasons Why We Are Pumped Anyway)


If you've been following the "buzz" that the "kids" talk about during their "coke-fueled, oral sex parties," then you'll know the hottest new gadget that everyone's excited about is the Apple iPhone.

However, despite excellent references from past employers, no one here at Cracked was able to score an invite to an all-teen sex party, so we had no idea what the big deal is with this iPhone thing. This is a pretty big problem, because a little-known ruling by the Supreme Court requires Cracked to stake out unpopular positions on major topics, then back those positions up with incredibly well researched dick jokes.

So, after days of exhaustive research, we feel confident reporting that the Apple iPhone is some kind of new cell phone. And, it is definitely going to suck. Or, it is definitely not going to suck. Honestly, nobody's going to know until the people currently waiting in line outside of Apple Stores across the country (who are presumably unemployed yet have $600 to spend on cell phone) get their hands on it. Here are the 10 best reasons we could find for either of those possible outcomes.

VERDICT: NOT SUCK The feature list is seriously impressive

Aside from performing your basic cell phone duties, the Apple iPhone promises to take the place of several other devices. This isn't a new trend-cell phones have also been mediocre digital cameras for five years or so, and mediocre mp3 players for at least two. But if the iPhone does everything Apple claims it can, it will be at least a half-dozen mediocre devices all wrapped up in one:

Mediocre cell phone

Mediocre Internet browser via cell service or Wi-Fi

Mediocre mp3 player

Mediocre video player

Mediocre photo viewer

Mediocre digital camera

That's a pretty impressive list and would put every other cell phone on the market to shame. But what will really blow people's socks off is if the iPhone can transcend mediocrity and perform any of those tasks adequately. There's good reason to be hopeful; Apple has a bit of experience making adequate gadgets. They make an adequate-hell, competent-mp3 and video player you may have heard of, called the iPod.

VERDICT: SUCK Battery life

The iPod, particularly the early generations, was notorious for its ability to chew up a fully charged battery much faster than the advertised battery life. Worse than that, the lithium-ion batteries in the iPod tend to degrade over time, often becoming useless within a year or two. And, they're essentially impossible to replace. Many unwashed, conspiracy-minded denizens of the Internet suspect that Apple deliberately designed the iPod's batteries to be impossible to replace, so that consumers would be forced to purchase a new version. Sure, Internet conspiracy theorists are usually crazy and illiterate*, but as conspiracy theories go, this one at least it sounds plausible.

*except for us.

We're still waiting for our review copy of the iPhone, so we can't be 100 percent sure when we say that the battery life on the iPhone is going to be appallingly short. Having said that, we're going to say so anyway. Just looking at the feature list of the iPhone will tell you that, unless it is fueled by gasoline, this is going to be a power-hungry little monster. Judging by pictures of the unit, it once again looks like the battery won't be replaceable by users either.

Is this a bizarre oversight? A deliberate design decision? Or an open-handed slap to the groins of their customers? See verdict at right.

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