The CRACKED NCAA Bracket

Just drag your cursor over each of the 64 teams to find out all you need to know about this year's contenders.
Duke

Popular among hoops fans who are afraid of black people, Duke has historically featured dominant white players like Bobby Hurley, Christian Laetner and Shane Battier.
Southern U

Along with Northwestern State, Southern U is one of two schools in this year's tournament so ashamed of being from the state of Louisiana that they named themselves after a vague direction.
GW

Don't be fooled by their stellar record, George Washington barely played anyone in the top 50 all year. A popular pick among people who are easily tricked by pyramid schemes and mouse traps.
UNC-Wilmington

You know the guys on this squad get laid all the time rolling around to bars going, "Yea, baby, I play for UNC." According to Wikipedia, notable alumni include, and are limited to, the Cleveland Indian's pitching coach and a professional basketball player in the Czech Republic.
Syracuse

Imaginatively named for the color of their jersey, "The Syracuse Orangemen" just barely beat out the runner-up nickname "The Syracuse Black Guys With Numbers on Their Tank Tops".
Texas A&M

A good upset to pick if you want your friends and co-workers to form a circle around your desk and ejaculate on you.
LSU

People are excited about Shaq's alma mater because an obese black man is on the team again this year. It should be noted that Indiana State has had a redneck with a blonde moustache every year since Larry Bird graduated, and they haven't been making a whole lot of noise.
Iona

No they didn't misspell Iowa. Iona is a school that's most outstanding feature is that they are almost in Canada.
WVU

You like this team because their center Kevin Pitsnoggle has a funny last name. Also, you still watch Sesame Street and just pooped your pants.
Southern Illinois

Best known for a recent accident in which cheerleader Kristi Yamaoka fell off a human pyramid during a conference tournament victory and broke her neck, the Salukis plan on breaking a cheerleaders' neck before every tournament game for good luck.
Iowa

Even with Steve Alford at the helm, and even with a BIG TEN tournament victory under its belt, Iowa just can't seem to shake its label as the school AC Slater wanted to attend on a wrestling scholarship.
Northwestern St

A college that refuses to divulge exactly which state they are located in the Northwestern region of, either because they are paranoid or because they don't want anyone to know they're from Louisiana.
California

Unlike UCLA and UC San Diego, UC Berkeley' basketball team refuses to acknowledge where in California they are from, probably because being from a city full of Google programmers and coffee-drinking lesbians isn't that intimidating.
NC State

School administrators thought about getting edgy for the tournament and renaming the University NC-17, but eventually decided such a move would be offensive to Jim Valvano's legacy.
Texas

Unfortunately for the Longhorn hoops squad, they won't be facing any team' coached by Pete Carroll, who was willing to tailor his defense around the Longhorn football team's offensive strengths.
Pennsylvania

Ivy League champion Penn is a 15 seed this year, officially becoming the first member of the NCAA Tournament's Pen15 club. Get it? "Pen15" looks like "penis!" This is the funniest thing since the University of 8====D appeared in the tourney back in '69, lead by captain Timothy Obvious.
Memphis

The one thing you know about a John Callipari-coached team is that his kids will be as focused on the books as they are on the tournament. Speaking of which, I think DaJuan Wagner just tried to sell me weed in the parking lot.
Oral Roberts

Too easy. Pass.
ArkansasDespite a solid season under fourth year head coach Stan Heath, the Razorbacks are still primarily remembered for winning a title under a man with the worst skin in the history of human faces.
Bucknell

Little known fact #1: While they're probably not getting past the second round, the Bucknell Bison win the award for team name that sounds most like a gay bar. Little known fact #2: This small Pennsylvania university is actually more like high school than most high schools.
Pittsburgh

After a hard-fought loss in the Big East finals, Panther coach Jamie Dixon asked another Pittsburgh coach, the Super Bowl champion Steelers' Bill Cowher, to come in as a guest speaker to boost morale. Remarkably, seven Panthers survived.
Kent State

The last time Kent State had shooters this deadly, the Ohio National Guard was picking off beatniks and hippies.
KansasThe Jennifer Anniston of the NCAA tournament, the Jayhawks watched coach Roy Williams leave them for flashy, big lipped UNC only to win the championship that he could never win with them. Also, Kansas' film career is a disaster.
Bradley University

Got into the tournament by defeating Timmy University, Gregory State and Sandy College in the "Gay Names for Men Conference" Tournament.
Indiana

If the state of Indiana were a person, it'd be the guy on your CYO team who always talked about how he loves the game of basketball but actually sucks shit. Contrary to the film Hoosiers, Indiana is not the home to hoops. In fact, an Indiana team, pro or college, hasn't won a championship in years.
San Diego State

While getting blown-out, can take solace in quietly reminding Indiana players that they live in San Diego.
Gonzaga

Were on National TV every night due to Adam Morrison's moustache and jump shot, making this team a favorite among insomniac men who like to slow dance with adolescents to Air Supply.
Xavier

Much respect to the Committee for giving Xavier McDaniel one last chance to win it all. However, odds are he won't advance pat the first round.
Marquette

Other than Wichita State, the Golden Eagles are the only team in this year' tournament named after a pornographic act. This pick tells co-workers, "I enjoy being peed on by transvestites."
Alabama

The Crimson Tide haven't won a national championship in a sport other than basketball since the late 1930s, when they won three consecutive NCAA Mulatto Kicking Championships.
UCLA

Once a national powerhouse, UCLA's success began to fade in the late 90s, when players began having to deal with distractions like pre-game gang-bangs with Tara Reid.
Belmont

Already recognized as the least impressive of the Triple Crown races, we have no reason to believe a horse race can make any noise in the tournament. I mean, how would they even fit 11 live racehorses onto a basketball court? Someone's bound to get hurt. This is ridiculous.
Connecticut

The Huskies plan to follow in the footsteps of other Connecticut athletic dynasties such as the Hartford Whalers and the" well, that's it.
Albany

Albany got to the tournament by beating a team you've never heard of, another team you've never heard of and a team no one's ever heard of. Impressive, no?
Kentucky

After a year in which they played the racist antagonists in Glory Road, Kentucky will show the world how far they've come by fielding an all black starting five and promptly losing in the first round.
UAB

Look for the Auburn Tigers to come into the tournament strong this year as-what? Oh. Shit. That stands for "University of Alabama at Birmingham?" Well, look for them to come in strong, too. Trust us.
Washington

Face it-there's only enough room for one team of Huskies to do well in this year's tournament, and that team is UConn. Remember what happened back in '39 when Harvard played Alabama? Two words-anal lice.
Utah State

Pick your alma mater, Utah State, if you want you coworkers to know that you had too many wives to get into the University of Utah and are illiterate.
Illinois

An affinity for the Illini often stems from an admiration of Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan and Al Capone, all admitted bisexuals. Pick Illinois if you want people to know that you are sexually promiscuous.
Air Force

Only a 13 seed, but when plan B is throwing Soviet-era grenades out of a helicopter in Iraq we're guessing these guys are going to give 100%.
Michigan State

An athletic team that will be looking to repeat last years Final 4 appearance, the Spartans are Coached by Tom Izzo, or as Snoop Dogg calls him, Tom O.
George Mason

The Generals hail from the powerhouse Colonial Athletic Conference, which features such stiff competition as Georgia State and James Madison. Still, look for the generals to loose by 270 points to 6-seed Michigan State.
North Carolina

The defending champions will take the court and strike terror in the hearts of their opponents with their fearsome baby blue jerseys and Tar-heel-like killer instinct.
Murray State

Got into the tournament after beating Floyd State, Earl State and Darryl State in the State Schools with Old Black Guy Names Conference tournament.
Wichita State

The Wichita State Shockers are known for surprising their opponents with backdoor cuts and jamming it in the hole, all while still plugging gaps on the other end. Also, their nick name is The Shockers which is like when you stick your pinky up a girls butt.
Seton Hall

The only reason for picking Seton Hall is that you're from New Jersey, and if you're from New Jersey, your IQ is below 50 and you are in the Mafia. Ha, ha. Just kidding about that low IQ thing. How could a guy with such a nice Cadillac be-AAAHHHH!!!!!!
Tennessee

Better known as the Lady Vols practice squad, a good pick if you've ever filed domestic abuse charges against your wife.
Winthrop

The South Carolina institution accepts students who couldn't get into the University of South Carolina or the Army out of high school. The State of South Carolina is actually considering legislation that would cut out the middle man and just go ahead and officially turn Winthrop into a state prison.
Villanova

With his flashy suits, his luxurious timepieces, and his rugged good lucks, Villanova Coach Jay Wright reminds us a lot of a young Rock Hudson. Or Raymond Burr. Or Freddy Mercury. A real ladies man, that one.
Monmouth/Hampton

Monmouth and Hampton fight their hearts out for the honor of being this tournament' Washington Generals.
Arizona

Contrary to popular opinion, coach Lute Olsen, who looks like an evil lawyer in a medical drama, is not made of leather. He is, however, 126 years old.
Wisconsin

It's tough to take their trash talk seriously when they use that adorable Wiscaaansin aaaccint.
Nevada

Hailing from Reno, the Wolfpack are the only team in the region who will be less depressed by Salt Lake City than by their hometown.
Montana

We thought she was way too bossy and hypersensitive on the Real World Boston, and we doubt she'll be able to behave differently on a national stage. Especially since she's only one middle aged white lesbian playing against 5 enormous college students.
Boston College

BC is a favorite among hoops pundits, and as recent history has shown us, basketball pundits are never, ever wrong.
Pacific

Located in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (we know this is true because our intern fact-checked it and he wasn't that stoned), the Tigers may be thrown off by playing on solid ground for the first time in their storied history that dates all the way back to their birth from the loins of Poseiden.
Oklahoma

Look for the Sooners' offense to explode like the government building in-Too soon? Never mind.
Wisc-Milwaukee

Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century. In fact, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "getting smoked by Oklahoma in the first round."
Florida

With an enrollment of 48,184 the University of Florida is actually like a small city-a city with an economy feuled solely by tip frosting hair salons, barbed wire tattoo parlors and Venereal Disease clinics.
South Alabama

Despite the embarrassing grammatical error in its school name, South Alabama is happy to be competing athletically while academically competing with DeVry, Lincoln Tech, and the TV.
Georgetown

The Oprah of College Basketball, Georgetown is one of the whitest, wealthiest colleges in America, but embraces the African American community when it's in their best interest: NCAA basketball and break dancing.
Northern Iowa

Northern Iowa, or as it's known to Blue Staters: "East Bumfuck."
Ohio State

You love to see a small, honest, underdog program like Ohio State's get this high of a seed. It really pulls at the heartstrings.
Davidson

It seems to us that this school would get a lot more support from players and fans alike if it renamed itself Daniel-son, and hired a small, goateed Asian janitor as its Head Coach.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

2 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!