The 5 Most Insane Coaching Meltdowns

It has been a good year for violence in sports. The Miami-FIU mega-brawl was just the latest in an eventful string of cleat-footed-stomps and backup-kicker-knife-attacks. But the players don't deserve all the credit. We need to remember that behind every one of these raging athletes is a wrathful coach with a hair-trigger temper showing them what temporary insanity is all about. Here are five of the best at their most furious.

#5

Who: Joe Mikulik
Job: Manager of the Asheville Tourists
What Brought it On: Can't tell. It' a minor league baseball game, so no one was filming until it became clear that shit was going down. In fact, it' a testament to the artistry displayed in this flip out that someone would actually waste the battery power and blank VHS tape on a game featuring a team called the Tourists.
How it Went Down: Mikulik doesn't really lose his temper here. That phrase implies a person with a generally fair disposition has temporarily and briefly succumbed to anger. But the marathon length of Mikulik' vitriol can only suggest that this is his true temperament. For four stormy minutes, he throws bases, chucks bats, kicks dirt, clears the dirt away with a squirt bottle, all at a hyper speed that makes him look like he' in one of those old-fashioned Chaplin movies where everything' sped up 20-percent too fast.

#4

Who: Dennis Green
Job: Head Coach of the Arizona Cardinals
What Brought it On: As the old saying goes, sometimes the other team beats you, sometimes you beat yourself and sometimes you shit the bed in front of the largest audience that will ever watch you do your job. This third version of losing is what immediately preceded this meltdown for Green and his Cardinals.
How it Went Down: Football coaches speak a language that is all their own. It consists of short phrases repeated over and over again that sound as though they should make sense, but when you think about them, really mean nothing at all. On the sidelines, they'll usually just jumble together a mixture of the phrases, "Not in our house!" "Catch the ball!" "Keep your head on a swivel!" and "Fuck." However, in the post-game press conferences, when they have to string together coherent thoughts, they sometimes run into problems.
Green clearly speaks the language fluently, because although the phrase sounds like it should make sense, and clearly he believes it does, "The Bears are who we thought they were"--Green's mantra in this tirade--doesn't make sense the first time. Or the second, third or fourth. At the time of this writing, it is still unclear whether this clip would be as funny if Green didn't have Tiger Woods' voice.

#3

Who: Bobby Knight
Job: Head Basketball Coach of Indiana University
What Brought it On: Who knows. Maybe the Hoosiers got screwed on a call. Maybe someone in the front row was talking too loud for his liking. We're pretty sure Bobby Knight just wanted to throw something, and his assistant coach cried too much the last time he threw him.
How it Went Down: In light of sports violence like this season' Haynesworth stomp, Bobby Knight' famous chair throw looks pretty tame. In fact, it' not even really a throw. He just slides it along the floor like an angry shuffleboard player.
But it' important to remember Bobby tossed the chair in 1985, way before it was fashionable to act like an irresponsible jackass. Knight was a true trailblazer. He showed coaches in all sports that they can act immaturely without repercussion as long as they win. Without him, coaches and sports figures might actually behave as role models and you wouldn't be able to dick around at work reading a list like this. Thanks Bobby!

#2

Who: Jim Mora
Job: Indianapolis Colts Head Coach
What Brought it On: Many people remember the meltdown that forever turned the word 'playoffs' into a high-pitched question. Few people remember why he flipped out: he had one of the best young quarterbacks to come along in years and had just lost to the 49ers 40-21. Ouch.
How it Went Down: Guys with any sort of survival instinct learned early on in elementary school that once their voice cracked, it was time to shut the hell up, because it would happen again, and when it did they would be ridiculed mercilessly. Jim Mora apparently lost his instinct for Darwinian perseverance since then because he repeatedly, some would argue intentionally, cracks his voice while saying the world "playoffs." Even worse, he does it on camera at a time when American sports fandom was taking a turn for the cannibalistic, guaranteeing that his defensive voice crack would live on in the mouths of wannabe Sports Center anchors for years to come, and that his otherwise successful life would be solely remembered for a 10-second span where he sounded like an 11-year-old in the first weeks of puberty.

7 Comments

sexybibeauty

I saw many coaches' personal ads in hot big people meet club__PlusMeet.com

Posted on 4/29/2008 8:31:26 AM

Refried Roach Droppings in Sauce

How could you forget Lou Pinella? His breakdowns are legendary... and funny as hell. The guy practically speaks in tongues when melting down.

Posted on 2/27/2008 10:13:38 AM

dr_gonzo

You missed the really obvious one...former Cubs manager Lee Elia's rant about the fans giving his team a hard time... "The motherfuckers don't even work! That's why they're out at the fucking game!..." and so on...

Posted on 1/9/2008 9:42:28 PM

johnny b goy

Insane coaching meltdowns?? I arrived expecting to see a coach choking his student until he faints and smacks his head on the floor from lack of oxygen, then seeing the coach grab a chair and fling it at the coach of the other team, like I saw on TV more than once! This shit? It's fucking weaksauce, man. I've seen worse flaring tempers every other day at Catholic school.

Posted on 12/25/2007 4:16:33 PM

Peter Ross

This fits too: I'M A MAN! I'M FORTY!

Posted on 12/19/2007 3:40:04 PM

Tommy Wayne

Woody Hayes?

Posted on 12/17/2007 8:51:00 PM

Keith

I'd like to have seen Colorado head coach Dan Hawkins's "Intramurals" rant and Oklahoma State head coach Mike Gundy going off on that reporter make the list.

Posted on 11/25/2007 6:56:45 PM

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The 5 Most Insane Coaching Meltdowns

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