Americans love a good football game. But there’s something we love even more than that: lucrative commercial sponsorships. That explains why the college football bowl season has bloated to 32 games, most of which pit mediocre teams unworthy of a postseason appearance in games with ridiculous titles like the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. Here’s a list of the top must-miss games this holiday season.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
TCU 37 Northern Illinois 7
San Diego, CA
December 19, 2006
With the TCU Horned Frogs (real name, we swear!) dominating the Northern Illinois Huskies through all four quarters in this ridiculous mismatch called the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, this game proved as boring as its name. In fact, it would have been more exciting to watch the San Diego County Credit Union conduct credit checks for three hours instead of witnessing this rout.
Motor City Bowl
Central Michigan vs. Middle Tennessee
December 26, 2006, ESPN
The Motor City Bowl is going to be a shootout. And several people will die because of it. Nothing’s better than celebrating a bowl game in the country’s second most violent city. On your way over to the stadium, stop by and pick up some smack from the gas station attendant, take a pot shot from a random bystander or admire the haunted house-like infrastructure of a city people stopped caring for 50 years ago. A fun tailgating game is to drink every time you spot a condemned building. You’ll be cross-eyed by kickoff.
Champs Sports Bowl
Purdue vs. Maryland
Florida Citrus Bowl
December 29, 2006, ESPN
The last time Maryland squared off against Purdue with any sort of meaningful implications involved, social security was just being formed. Maryland might win. Purdue might win. One of these two teams is going to win, but the bottom line is this: three days after this game, you won’t remember which team it was.
R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Troy 41 Rice 17
New Orleans, LA
December 22, 2006, ESPN
The R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl is particularly anonymous in the exploding bowl game population as it is a bowl nobody has ever heard of with a sponsor nobody has ever heard of pitting two teams against each other that nobody has heard of. In other words nobody cares.
Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl
BYU 38 Oregon 8
Las Vegas, NV
Sam Boyd Stadium
December 21, 2006, ESPN
The #19 BYU Cougars from pious Mormon country headed to heathen capital of the United States, Las Vegas, to square off against the unranked Oregon Ducks. Not surprisingly, BYU blew out the Beavers in a snooze-inducing game that was already over at half time. But that’s not important. What is important is that ESPN had something to broadcast on a Thursday night.