NBA Team by Team YouTube Breakdown
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Atlantic Division
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New York KnicksThis 10-second clip is both humiliating and hilarious-so of course it must come from the Knicks. Qyntel Woods blows a breakaway dunk after inexplicably trying to pull off a 360 and the frustrated Garden crowd immediately boos him. The announcer' reaction basically sums up the current state of Isiah' Knicks: "Just ridiculous."
Philadelphia 76ersJulius Erving was the smoothest Sixer of all time-both in terms of his gliding moves in the lane and his endorsement of soothing lip balm. In this hilarious early '80s commercial, Dr. J announces that he' changed his famous nickname to "Dr. Chapstick," and proceeds to tell a group of young fans that Chapstick is "serious medicine." (We are praying for a modern day remake in which Allen Iverson renames himself "The Answer "¦ for Chapped Lips is Chapstick.")
New Jersey NetsWhen he' not preening, sulking, exaggerating an injury or bemoaning his lack of an iPod during warmups, Vince Carter can be one of the most exciting players in the NBA. These 10 most Vinsane moments of '05 and '06 feature a courtside cameo by Jay-Z (and an uncomfortable instance of a commentator deciding to refer to him as "Jigga").
Boston CelticsWe're not sure which is more awkward: Hearing the Celtics white-bread sportscaster announce a highlights video called "We Ballin'," or the actual lyrics from the "hip hop" group One Love and the Dream Team ("Basketball is my favorite sport / I like the way they dribble up and down the court"). Red Auerbach is probably krumpin' sadly in his grave.
Toronto RaptorsVince Carter became Canadian Public Enemy #1 when he essentially quit on the Raptors and forced a trade to New Jersey in 2004. So when he returned to Toronto for the first time after the trade, the crowd gave him a welcome as warm as an Ontario winter. This fan-shot video shows Vince getting booed mercilessly at EVERY opportunity including introductions and at tipoff. Hell, these people ride him just for getting a rebound during pre-game layup lines. Canadians, they're FAN-tastic, eh?
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Central Division
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Chicago BullsIt' a scary thought that today' young NBA fans may only know Michael Jordan as "that guy who wears Hanes underwear with Kevin Bacon." Even for those of us who grew up watching (hating?) those great Bulls teams of the '90s, it' probably easier to remember the smiley, highly visible MJ of the "Be Like Mike" era than the vicious young freak who came into the League with the cruel intention of dunking on EVERYONE IN SIGHT. This collection of Jordan' 10 best dunks is a chilling reminder of what once was.
Cleveland CavaliersLeBron James needs shooters to spread the floor, but what happens when Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones both want to take the 3-ball out for a date at the same time on the same night? This silly animated clip is like Cavs basketball meets Three' Company, with D-Jones inheriting Don Knotts' wardrobe.
Detroit PistonsThe only Pistons starter not to make the All-Star team last year may actually be their best all-around player. Tayshaun Prince is a terror on D, a great finisher on the break, and a deceptively good shooter, as shown in this goose-bumps-inducing video from his college days at Kentucky. Prince opens a game against North Carolina making UK' first five shots, all from long range, the last of which he nails from just a few steps inside half court. It' video documentation of a guy entering the zone.
Indiana PacersThis oddly depressing local commercial for Bud Light and/or the Pacers includes the following comparison: "Bud Light is like Indiana basketball: good to the last dribble." This conjures images of nice heartland-bred Pacer fans so dependent on Bud Light that they'll work their tongues into empty longnecks, desperate for one last "dribble." (Plus, isn't Indianapolis technically Miller country?)
Milwaukee BucksWe'll be honest, we chose this clip purely on the basis of its YouTube description: "Andrew Bogut gives Joel Pryzbilla a facial." As if that potential visual wasn't distressing enough, imagine said "facial" being accompanied by the Aussie Bogut exclaiming, "Ohh "¦ CRIKEY!"
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Southeast Division
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Atlanta HawksHow far have the Hawks fallen? To the point that the band featured in this ridiculous '80s highlight video-T.Grose and the Varsity, jamming on "Nothing Can Stop Us: Atlanta' Air Force"-might prove stiffer competition in the Southeast than the current Hawks roster. (Plus, we're not positive, but is that Jon Koncak blowing that hot sax solo?)
Charlotte BobcatsJust a heads-up, Charlotte fans: If the early season proves a struggle for emotional top draft pick Adam Morrison, you might be witness to a few tears. Or, if this sketch from The Pizza Show is accurate, a whole lot of tears. Inexplicable, unstoppable, moustache-soaking tears.
Miami HeatWe cannot verify this guy' claim as to being the Miami Heat' biggest fan, but he is, without question, their most awkward. In the course of this webcam devotional, "Dan" continually professes worship of "Gary Pay-don" and randomly interjects that his "big-ass aspiration" is to get signed to a record deal. He also tells the story that when he played high school ball against Dwayne Wade, he whispered in Wade' ear, "I like you a lot." Please, someone put this guy on TV-he' no more unsettling than Bill Walton.
Orlando MagicOrlando Magic man-child Dwight Howard rides the Expedition Everest rollercoaster at Disney' Animal Kingdom and the camera captures legit fear in his eyes. It' the same kind of look with which opposing Eastern Conference GMs regard Howard when they realize he will be clogging their lanes for the next 12-14 years.
Washington WizardsHere' a glimpse into the cluttered rumpus room that is Gilbert Arenas' brain: What was his response when asked the one item he could have if trapped on a desert island? Not "food," not "water," he wants jet skis. Agent 0 keeps it fun, to the point where he is arguably the League' most entertaining soul. Another choice Gil moment from this 60-second interview: He names two of the Seven Dwarves as "Dummy" and "Dingy."
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Southwest Division
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Dallas MavericksPoor Avery Johnson. Just when memory of your Mavs' Finals collapse begins to dissipate, here comes this Brady Bunch spoof to usher in an altogether different kind of pain. The song really should go: "Here' the story, Of a man named Avery, Who was forced to be in a lame Mavs video, You could tell he Didn't want to be there, "¦And he was not alone."
Houston RocketsApparently Tracy McGrady is now a bigger jersey seller in China than his Rockets teammate Yao Ming. Here Adidas gives us a taste of the way that T-Mac is marketed to the Chinese-namely, as a player whose vert is augmented by dragon wings and who can knock down a J while spontaneously combusting, i.e. the "intangibles."Apparently Tracy McGrady is now a bigger jersey seller in China than his Rockets teammate Yao Ming. Here Adidas gives us a taste of the way that T-Mac is marketed to the Chinese-namely, as a player whose vert is augmented by dragon wings and who can knock down a J while spontaneously combusting, i.e. the "intangibles."
Memphis GrizzliesHere' THE definitive moment of this Grizzlies Grannies Dance Team performance: an older lady who has trouble successfully stripping off her top is aided by a different grandmotherly type while the camera cuts to a Sojourner Truth look-alike who is asking us via interpretative dance, "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?" (No, in fact I do not, because that would mean my girlfriend is due for hip replacement.)
New Orleans HornetsPerhaps foreshadowing his suspension from the League for illegal drug use, Chris "The Birdman" Andersen was quite possibly high during the infamous 2005 Dunk Contest. The Birdman flew eight times on his first attempt before actually landing the dunk, absolutely doubling-over LeBron and others watching courtside. Here he gets the Benny Hill treatment, though we're not sure if "Yakkety Sax" makes the Birdman' miss-flights funnier or just that much sadder.
San Antonio SpursThe San Antonio Spurs' coyote mascot is a jack-of-all-trades, like a modern day Sammy Davis Jr. In the course of one game he'll act, dance, can a half-court shot, repel from the ceiling, and endure bitter verbal abuse from a Scotch-soaked Manu Ginobili. Well, maybe not the half-court shot.
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Northwest Division
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While showing off his home' artwork on MTV' Cribs, Carmelo Anthony says: "This picture' one of my favorites. It' got Jesus right here, and me right here, both of us standing in a puddle of blood. It' called 'Blood Brothers.'" The camera then pans down. Jesus' feet are bleeding from puncture wounds; Carmelo' are wearing Nikes. (Somewhere cold, Phil Knight is missing his soul.)
Minnesota TimberwolvesBill Simmons loves to predict that someday soon a joyless Kevin Garnett is going to snap and murder a teammate. It' fun to keep that in mind as you watch Garnett humoring the hosts of this Asian talk show, as they implore him to do such dance moves as "Clean the Ear" and "Make a Pizza," all while Garnett just robotically mutters, "Yes "¦ yes "¦ yes "¦ yes"¦"
Portland TrailblazersThe beats in "Bust a Bucket," this early '90s Trailblazers-themed rap song, are older than any of Portland' current guards. We're not sure which is more hilarious: the amount of multi-colored tracksuits sported by the Blazers in this video or the fact that Jerome Kersey sings the hook. (Memo to anyone in the Blazers organization: Please play this for a stoned Darius Miles and tape his reaction.)
Seattle SupersonicsLook to the person to your left. Now look to the person to your right. There' a good chance Shawn Kemp fathered one of them. Keep this in mind as you watch this vintage Reign Man dunk mix, because the punishment that Kemp once doled out on the rim was nowhere near as punishing as the child support payments he faces today.
Utah JazzKarl Malone is a big dude, so Karl Malone needs a big meal! But don't take our word for it. Take it from Karl Malone, who stars as "Karl Malone, Basketball All-Star" in this old commercial for Hardee'. Because when Karl Malone says Karl Malone needs a big piece of fried chicken, Karl Malone ain't joking around.
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Pacific Division
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Golden State WarriorsThis very funny bit from The Chris Rock Show imagines a late-night Arsenio-style talk show hosted by Golden State' favorite flat-topped white dude, Chris Mullin. (In the show, Mullin' sidekick is Danny Bonaduce, his first guest is "from Moesha, the guy who plays the father!" and he plays one-on-one against a gorilla.) Already, this is our favorite new show of the fall TV season.
Los Angeles ClippersYour first reaction upon hearing "Hip to Clip" is "Ah, it' a parody of '2 Legit 2 Quit' so this Clippers song must be, what, 15-years old?" But then you quickly realize that Kevin Sage and the Buddy Group are rapping about this current Clippers team, meaning their point of reference for hot hip-hop is early '90s Hammer. Even Chris Kaman understands that ain't "Hip."
Los Angeles LakersStarship' "We Built This City" has come to be accepted as one of-if not THE-cheesiest rock and roll songs off all time. So, a fitting inspiration for perhaps THE cheesiest NBA highlight theme of all time: (verse) We're the L.A. Lakers, Laying it up right, Too many breakaways, Heating up the night! (chorus) Magic leads the fast break, Riley makes the Lakers go, Don't you remember, We built this city"¦ We built this city on BASK-ET-BALL! If Los Angeles was built on basketball, then it was very nearly destroyed by synthesizers.
Phoenix SunsFor a very short time in the mid-'80s, one of the League' preeminent dunkers was a white dude. Tom Chambers somehow defied both gravity and his flaxen mullet to throw down repeated sickness. This posterizing of Mark Jackson is particularly brutal-the slow motion reveals that at one point mid-flight Chambers is looking down at the rim. Vanilla sky!
Sacramento KingsVlade Divac was the heart and soul of those very-good-but-never-great Kings teams of the last decade. Despite never winning a title, Vlade shows us in this clip that life does go on, particularly if you are open to getting drunk and dancing in the street with some leather-clad Euro-types. And, really, who isn't?
