CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 9

Lions 30, Falcons 14
All morning long, on every pregame show, the debate was waged whether Michael Vick might be the best quarterback in the NFL following his three touchdown performance last week, silencing all his critics. Vick then tore open the curtain on the NFL's desperate attempts to paint him as a Tom Brady-esque leader and passer by returning to his "Run First, Turnover The Ball Second" style of play. "Hey, Tom Brady threw four interceptions against the Colts!" insisted Nike CEO Mark Parker as he spun a spiraling hypnodisk. "Michael Vick is a great quarterback... a greeeeeeaaaaat quaaaarterbaaaaaaack..."

Two Vick turnovers led to two Kevin Jones touchdowns, prompting fantasy owners across the country to remember they were still carrying Jones on their rosters for God only knows what reason.


Broncos 31, Steelers 20
The Super Bowl champs took another beating, and are now tied for the second worst record in the NFL, in company with luminaries such as the Texans, Browns, and Lions. To have even a slim chance of making the playoffs, Pittsburgh will likely have to sweep the final eight games of its schedule. Head coach Bill Cowher was quick to remind everyone, however, that last year's team started slow and finished strong, ultimately sending Jerome Bettis out as a champion in his hometown of Detroit. "I've been asking around," he went on, "to determine which barely-contributing veterans grew up in Miami and would be willing to retire if we win it all, but I haven't found anyone yet. Chris Gardocki's the closest I've found and he's from Georgia. But even if he was from Miami, how fired up do you expect a team to get to 'win one for the punter'?"

For the second straight week, the Broncos broke the 20-point barrier in scoring after struggling to do so all year, thanks to three touchdowns by receiver Javon Walker-hey, wait a minute. How come when Michael Vick throws three touchdowns in a game, he's debatably the "greatest quarterback in the NFL," but when Jake Plummer does it, he's just delaying the inevitable christening of rookie Jay Cutler as the Broncos' starter?


Jaguars 37, Titans 7
With just over two minutes remaining, Tennessee quarterback Vince Young lobbed a pass to Drew Bennett for the team's sole touchdown on the afternoon. This was the college dorm hook-up equivalent of the girl you started hanging out with in freshman year and occasionally made drunken passes at but were always shot down by, who finally gave you a handjob sometime around junior year midterms because she felt like you deserved something for being so damn perseverant.

The Jaguars largely quit playing about five minutes into the third quarter-shortly after back up quarterback David Garrard threw his third touchdown of the game, thus making him eligible for all "greatest quarterback in the NFL" debates. For the remainder of the game, some players could be seen sitting on the bench attentively watching the action on the field, though upon further inspection it became clear they had painted eyes on their eyelids to appear awake while napping.


Seahawks 17, Raiders 0
Pitting the Matt Hasselbeck and Shaun Alexander-less Seahawks against the hapless Raiders guaranteed most of the nation didn't even wait for Hank Williams to pose the question of whether we were ready for some football before switching over to see what the creepy FBI guy on Prison Break was going to do with that body in his backyard.

Even better, if you were in the Mountain or Pacific time zones, you had the chance to see Deion Branch score the only touchdown of the game, and still have plenty of time to see T-Bag get tortured, Linc get sprung from the Wilcox Police, and Sarah and Michael make up for that whole "making you think we were in love so I could get out of prison which ultimately turned you into a heroin addict" thing.


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