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CRACKED'S NFL Rundown: Week 8


Colts 34, Broncos 31
For the fifth straight game, the undefeated Colts went into the locker room at halftime trailing their opponents. NFL officials used that twenty minutes to devise a plan to make sure that league cash cow Peyton Manning and his team could comeback and pray that fans wouldn't put two and two together. Their solution was to give Indianapolis the ball at the Broncos' 11-yard line on a Jake Plummer "fumble" that was originally ruled down and to equip Reggie Wayne with a force field that prevented Denver defensive backs from getting within ten yards of him.

Manning, who came dangerously close to having to sulk and blame his teammates for the loss, was able to again tout the importance of teamwork. "No one man wins a game," he explained. "If Reggie Wayne doesn't catch those perfectly thrown balls that I put softly into his hands in a way no other quarterback in this league can, making it possible for a one-armed kangaroo to get the reception, we don't win. So really the credit goes all around."


Giants 17, Buccaneers 3
Twin brothers Ronde and Tiki Barber faced off for the last time ever, which every pregame show felt the need to hype as if it had the utmost significance. "It's not like this is tennis or wrestling or something where they're actually going head-to-head," pointed out Giants defensive end Michael Strahan. "At least when Eli [Manning] faced his brother, they're both quarterbacks and you can compare their stats. In this case, about the best thing you can hope for is that Tiki runs off tackle to the left and Ronde has to tackle him. Even if he does, that probably means Tiki got some good yardage so it's not that big a deal."

Countering Strahan's point, ESPN's Chris Berman said of the one play in the game where Ronde barely missed a tackle on his brother, "The Brothers Barber! Like the Civil War, it's brother against brother and BOOM! WHOOOP! BOOM! 'No, Greg Brady, don't take that surfing! Don't you know that's a cursed Tiki' Barber busts through for the first down!"


Bears 41, 49ers 10
Twelve minutes into the first quarter, with your team only trailing by ten points might seem like a good time to get up, grab another beer, and take a leak. San Francisco fans who tested that suggestion found a very different game by the time they returned from the john. Anyone leaving before the final two minutes of the first quarter missed two and, depending on the lines at the Soldier Field restrooms, possibly three, Chicago touchdowns before they returned. "What the hell?" growled one man with his face painted red and gold. "I haven't even gotten drunk yet and this game's already over!"

At the half, the Bears led 41-0. Like many fans, Chicago snuck out early to beat traffic, allowing the 49ers to play unopposed for the entire second half, during which time they put ten points on the scoreboard. Experts agreed the Niners could have scored more if San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith hadn't dropped to his knees begging for mercy immediately after every snap. "Sorry," Smith shrugged, "by that point in the game, it was just reflex."


Chiefs 35, Seahawks 28
Shortly after Larry Johnson scored his fourth touchdown of the day, seismographs around the country registered a nationwide tremor of 2.1 on the Richter scale. Leading earthquake experts dismissed the readings, theorizing they were the result of the simultaneous orgasms of everyone who has the Kansas City running back in his fantasy league.


Chargers 38, Rams 24
Shortly after LaDainian Tomlinson scored his third touchdown of the day, seismographs around the country registered a nationwide tremor of 1.8 on the Richter scale. Leading earthquake experts dismissed the readings, theorizing they were the result of the simultaneous orgasms of everyone who has the San Diego running back in his fantasy league.

In Elgin, Illinois, police reported one man who'd managed to acquire both Johnson and Tomlinson thanks to his being in a keeper league was found unconscious on the floor of his basement and is in critical but stable condition. "We can just be thankful he didn't also pull off some kind of trade for Peyton Manning," said one paramedic, "or I don't think there's anything we could have done."

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