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CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 6

Steelers 45, Chiefs 7
Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers proved their season isn't over yet with a commanding victory over Kansas City, taking a 31-0 lead into halftime. "Over? We were 1-3!" insisted Roethlisberger. "Christ! The season wasn't even a third of the way finished. Why do you media types have to get your panties all in a bunch over four friggin' games?"

Long after most fans had turned the channel to something more exciting, Chiefs running back Larry Johnson tackled Steelers safety Troy Polamalu on an interception return, dragging him to the turf by his hair. Instead of telling Polamalu to get a haircut or tuck his hair up under a skull cap, referees gave Johnson an unsportsmanlike conduct fifteen yard penalty for touching Polamalu's long, luxurious locks. Johnson later declared his intention to groom all his body hair until he looked like Cousin It, preventing anyone from ever tackling him again and allowing him to rush for 4000 yards next season.


Jets 20, Dolphins 17
Miami's new quarterback led the team on two exciting touchdown drives in the final nine minutes and put Olindo Mare in position to kick a game-tying field goal. "Maybe if we didn't suck for the other 51 minutes, that would mean anything," said head coach Nick Saban.


Chargers 48, 49ers 19
LaDainian Tomlinson rushed for four touchdowns, despite his team being in command of the game from about halfway through the second quarter. Most coaches would pull their star players when up by 22 points in the fourth quarter, but Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer took it upon himself to make sure Tomlinson would singlehandedly win fantasy football games around the world.

"Sure, the prudent thing would be to make sure the cornerstone of our team didn't get injured on some meaningless scoring drive when we'd already doubled up our opponent," Schottenheimer agreed, "but then I thought about all those idiots who drafted a lousy team, but were lucky enough to pick early and grab L.T., and I thought, 'Why not let those shortsighted fools a chance to crow for a change?'"


Broncos 13, Raiders 3
Oakland remains winless after yet another debacle of a performance. Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer defeated the Raiders despite throwing for only 109 yards, or one yard for every time Al Michaels mentioned John Madden's induction to the NFL Hall of Fame as a former Raiders coach.

Earlier in the week, current Oakland coach Art Shell suspended receiver Jerry Porter for making negative comments about the team. The new look, more disciplined Raiders went on to commit 13 penalties that cost them 95 yards. Upon seeing Porter sitting home, collecting a paycheck, and not having to show up to get crushed every Sunday, Oakland wideout Randy Moss threw a temper tantrum, called quarterback Andrew Walter a "douche nozzle," and invited "everyone who has a bye next week" to his house for a pool party next Sunday.


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