CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 5


Vikings 26, Lions 17
Quarterback Jon Kitna's presence under center proved the deciding factor in Minnesota's come-from-behind victory. Unfortunately, Kitna plays for Detroit. After scoring two touchdowns for his own team-one passing and one rushing-Kitna shared the wealth, fumbling a ball the Vikings returned for a touchdown, then tossing an interception that also went for six.

"It's easy to point a finger at Jon Kitna," grumbled Detroit general manager Matt Millen. "Sure, you could say, 'That guy doesn't know how to play with a lead! We could have had our first win if he hadn't screwed it all up!' And that's exactly what I intend to do if it will keep people from recognizing that I shouldn't be put in charge of an elementary school bake sale, much less a major sports franchise. Boo, Kitna sucks!"


Bears 40, Bills 7
J.P. Losman was sacked three times and under constant pressure from a Bears defense that forced three interceptions and shut out the Bills until the final minute of the game, calling into question the Buffalo quarterback's pregame strategy.

"I really thought posting photos of myself having sex with each of the Bears' defensive starters' mothers would deflate their confidence and fire up my own teammates," Losman said, shrugging as best he was able to before the pain became too intense. "Instead, it only motivated them to hit me as often and as hard as they could, leaving me with blood in my urine. So, uh, I'll file that information away for future games. Good to know, really."


Eagles 38, Cowboys 24
The return of Terrell Owens to Philadelphia was highlighted by a tearful reunion between the receiver and his former quarterback Donovan McNabb, who were joined by Eagles head coach Andy Reid at midfield for a group hug. The crowd showered T.O. with cheers, well wishes and gratitude for his role in getting the team to the Super Bowl two seasons ago.

For his part, Owens didn't catch a pass until the third quarter, and only caught three all game-due in no small part, we imagine, to the distraction of young ladies and small children forcing themselves past security to kiss and hug the star receiver.

"Fans of Philadelphia," Owens finally announced over a public address system, "you know I love you all like family, but let us not detract from the other 21 guys on this field. I look forward to spending time with you all after the game, and have arranged for a caterer to bring us all finger sandwiches and sodas so we can mingle. But for now, let's have a good time and concentrate on football!" The crowd, completely enraptured, heeded his every word, felling a little empty inside when the game ended-for only one team could take home a victory.

(To whomever winds up editing this: Please note I'm writing this recap on Thursday, so if this isn't how things go down, please make any necessary changes. Thanks, Jake)


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