CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 2

Colts 43, Texans 24
Peyton Manning single-handedly won fantasy football games around the country with 400 yards passing and three TDs, allowing every jerk who drafted him and a bunch of worthless scrubs to declare themselves super geniuses and rub your nose in their victories. Manning broke Johnny Unitas's franchise record for completions in the first quarter, a record that raises the questions of why some statistics are even noted.

The Texans managed put up 24 points, though it didn't seem the Colts took their opponents very seriously. At one point, the Indianapolis defense consisted of Dwight Freeney, Marlin Jackson, four guys whose tickets were chosen in a halftime drawing and a kid with Lou Gehrig's disease who told Make-a-Wish he wanted to sack David Carr.

Falcons, 14, Buccaneers 3
Alleged quarterback Michael Vick threw for almost 100 yards in his team's victory. "The forward pass is overrated," Vick contended. "The NFL should go back to the way things were in 1933... except the part where the black people have to drink out of separate drinking fountains."

Tampa's Chris Simms served as Exhibit A in Vick's case, throwing 53 passes-some of which, and this might shock you, having actually been caught by members of his own team. Buccaneer kicker Matt Bryant proved to be the big star of the day, kicking a 22-yard field goal to end the second quarter, bringing Tampa Bay's scoring total this season to three points.

Bears 34, Lions 7
After bragging how close his team was to scoring 40 points last weekend when it put up just six, Lions receiver Roy Williams clarified that he meant his team would score at least 40 points during the 2006 season. "Seven more this week-we're halfway there," Williams laughed, wringing his hands and showing off his University of Texas education. Williams had also guaranteed a victory in this weekend's showdown with Chicago, but once again found a loophole. "I guaranteed a victory. Chicago got a victory. What more do you want from me?"

Asked for comment while trying to sneak out through the loading dock and wearing a pair of janitorial coveralls, Lions general manager Matt Millen said, "It's everyone else's fault but mine!"

Bengals 34, Browns 17
Despite threats of fines for excessive touchdown celebrations, Bengals receiver Chad Johnson performed a chicken dance after reaching the end zone for the first time this season, evoking images of your drunken uncle at a wedding-especially if your drunken uncle has gold teeth and a dyed mohawk. Johnson had six catches, part of a 353-yard passing attack from Carson Palmer. This nearly tripled his output from last weekend, and was most likely prompted by you deciding to bench him in your fantasy league after last week's poor numbers, and now Carson Palmer hates you.

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