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CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 16


Texans 27, Colts 24

Indianapolis heaved a sigh of relief after watching Ron Dayne run for over 150 yards and two touchdowns in the Texans' first ever victory over the Colts after going 0-9 in their previous meetings. 

"The playoffs can be very stressful," explained defensive back Bob Sanders.  "Can we win a championship?  Do we have what it takes?  All that messes with your mind and keeps you on edge all week.  Thanks to this game, we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that, no, we can't win a championship and, no, we don't have what it takes.  Now we can go out there and blow an embarrassing first round loss to Denver or the Jets or whoever and not have to stress about it."

Colts head coach Tony Dungy, however, had a different perspective.  "Ron Dayne is a Heisman winner!  Even Peyton Manning didn't win a Heisman!  Clearly, this is an elite football player and the fact we held him to only 150 yards and two TDs is a testament to the resiliency of our defense."  Dungy was then carried away by two
Indianapolis media relations assistants while he shouting, "I'm a defensive guru!  A GURU!"

Broncos 24, Bengals 23

With a chance to tie things up after driving 83 yards and scoring a critical touchdown with 41 seconds remaining, Cincinnati, with a chance to lock up a playoff spot, saw its fortunes quickly reverse.  A bad snap on the point-after kick left Denver up by one, and likely postseason-bound, while the Bengals will need help. 

"What the fuck?" screamed Cincy coach Marvin Lewis, throwing his Playstation 3 controller across the room.  "That is complete horseshit!  That never happens in real life!"  Unfortunately, as unlikely as the event may have been, veteran players of the yearly editions of Madden confirmed this was not at all out of the ordinary.

"I'd like to say I was surprised," shrugged Bengals receiver Chad Johnson, a spokesman who is featured in commercials for the video game, "but when you're playing against the computer in the fourth quarter, it cheats like a... a... what's something that cheats badly?"  Johnson rejected teammate Chris Henry's suggestion of "an Atkin's dieter at Dunkin' Donuts," continuing, "Anyway, if it's not a bad snap, it's a fumble out the back of the end zone or an interception by a cornerback who was ten yards away from the play."

Patriots 24, Jaguars 21

New England won the AFC East, which everyone knew was going to happen, but expected it to occur much earlier in the season.

Jacksonville
was eliminated from the playoff chase, which everyone knew was going to happen, but expected it to occur much earlier in the season.

Saints 30, Giants 7

Despite losing six of their last seven games, hovering a game below .500, never having a single snap in Saints territory on Sunday, and having their coach serenaded by a chorus of "Fire Coughlin!" more than once, the Giants are in control of their own playoff destiny.  A win at
Washington next week will give the G-men an 8-8 record and a berth in the postseason. 

No joke here... except the ratings ABC and FOX will get for the NFC playoffs.

Buccaneers 22, Browns 7

With sophomore-slumping Cadillac Williams out, fullback Mike Alstott touched the ball more times Sunday than he has in just about every game since
Tampa Bay's Super Bowl victory combined. 

Rumor also has it that the Buccaneers signed quarterback Chris Sims (not to be confused with CRACKED contributing editor Chris Simms) to a two-year contract extension.  Neither of those facts are particularly interesting, but neither was this game.

Titans 30, Bills 29

Vince Young all but locked up rookie of the year honors, killing
Buffalo's playoff hopes while keeping overachieving  Tennessee in the hunt. 

"Jesus, why do you keep coming to me for sound bites whenever Young does something good?" groaned Houston Texans coach Gary Kubiak.  "We beat friggin' Indianapolis today!  Can't you just let me enjoy the moment instead of second-guessing our drafting of Mario Williams?!"

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