Chargers 20, Seahawks 17
LaDainian Tomlinson, who single-handedly put half the teams playing for their fantasy league championships into the big game, did little to win them the title. For the first time since week five, Tomlinson was kept out of the end zone, though that didn't do much to help Seattle, which seemed to be going out of its way to miss the playoffs, losing its last three games, before accidentally clinching by virtue of a 49ers loss.
"I don't know what the big deal is," sighed quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, who completed less than half his passes, threw for under 200 yards, and lost two interceptions on Sunday. "My high school coach always said, 'Winning is like a light bulb. You can just switch it on when you need it' regardless of how lazy you've been in the weeks leading up to the playoffs... or was that 'winning is not like a light bulb'? 'You can't just switch it on'? Now that I think about it, that probably makes more sense... Shit, I wish I'd paid closer attention!"
Packers 9, Vikings 7
CRACKED's plans to gloss over any games without playoff implications went out the window with Green Bay put itself in position to clinch a playoff spot next week with a win and a Giants loss. "Are you kidding me?" asked Brett Farve, who vaguely remembers throwing a touchdown at some point this season, though not recently. "I was all set to retire after next week. Now you're telling me I might have to come back for another game? Son of a—I have tickets to the touring
Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot empathized with Farve's dilemma. "It's a shame to let tickets like that go to waste. If only there was someone who loved touring Broadway productions and was on a team that defied all odds by actually being eliminated from the playoff picture in the piss-poor NFC, Brett could give those tickets to him." Smoot then sang three verses of "Shuffle Off to
Chiefs 20, Raiders 9
Kansas City honored owner Lamar Hunt's memory with a victory over Oakland, a memory they'd hoped to honor sooner but were unfortunate enough not to play anyone pathetic enough until now. Despite the long-standing bitter rivalry, the Raiders were happy to give the Chiefs the cheery send-off to their owner.
Ravens 31, Steelers 7
With Pittsburgh now the first defending Super Bowl champ to miss the playoffs since the 2002 Buccaneers, Iron City fans have to shift their focus to the Penguins—no, best not to do that. Well, there's always baseball's hot stove season. Look, the Pirates picked up journeyman catcher Einar Diaz to back up Ronny Paulino. Oh, and they signed a 38-year-old Japanese pitcher too. Christ, if the rest of the NFL took a good look at the sports scene in
Panthers 10, Falcons 3
The win leapfrogged
Bears 26, Lions 21
Rex Grossman was benched for the fourth quarter when
Head coach Lovie Smith insisted the decision to give back up quarterback Brian Griese some playing time was planned all week and not a desperate attempt to find a quarterback who won't choke away an embarrassing home loss to the pathetic Giants or Eagles come playoff time, urging fans not to "put two and two together."