CRACKED's NFL Rundown: Week 14

Bengals 27, Raiders 10
A playoff contender took on Oakland.

See if you can guess what happened from there.


Titans 26, Texans 20
The Texans knew they'd forever be questioned about the wisdom of drafting Mario Williams over Reggie Bush, but Vince Young seems determined to make sure he's part of that conversation as well.

The Texans' #1 overall pick posted two tackles while Young, who grew up in the Houston area and played college ball at Texas, rallied his team to a fourth straight come-from-behind victory, clinched by his 39-yard scramble for a touchdown in overtime. The Titans, one of the few teams that could be considered as bad or worse than the Texans in preseason assessments, are now just a game under .500 and a sleeper playoff contender.

"Mario Williams is going to be the next Reggie White," Texans coach Gary Kubiak read from a team public relations handout, his voice cracking.


Bills 31, Jets 13
Willis McGahee missed most of the second quarter due to serious vomiting and the need to eat a sandwich to replace the contents of his stomach that had been expelled, yet still managed to rack up 125 yards and a touchdown against New York.

"I know this probably makes us look bad," protested Jets linebacker Jonathan Vilma, "but you try tackling someone who just puked all over himself and see how many yards he gets before you take him down." Th Jets, still in the playoff hunt, immediately ordered ten cases of syrup of Ipecac for the stretch run.


Cardinals 27, Seahawks 21
NFC West leading Seattle's bid to prove they're worthy contenders for a repeat visit to the Super Bowl hit a snag when the team lost to Arizona. "Your guess is as good as mine," a confused Mike Holmgren grimaced. "I didn't think winning was something they did around here. If the closest team to us in the standings wasn't San Francisco, I might even break a sweat."

Most confusing to everyone involved came in the final two minutes, when Seattle moved the ball into Arizona's redzone but failed to eke out a one-point win. "This is kind of new to us," admitted receiver Larry Fitzgerald. "In the final huddle, I suggested Matt [Leinart] should fumble the ball into the endzone on the kneel down, but then someone else pointed out we're not supposed to do things like that on purpose. I don't know when that became Cardinal policy, but it's going to take some getting used to."


Ravens 20, Chiefs 10
Further evidence of the effects of global warming were on display at Arrowhead Stadium, as Baltimore handed Kansas City its first home loss in the month of December since 1996. The Chiefs owe that impressive streak to deafening crowd noise and bitter cold, but with highs in the mid-50s, the weather didn't seem to affect the Ravens.

"It's all a bunch of liberal garbage," grumbled Chiefs fans Larry Fenerro as he packed his eight-foot, charcoal tailgating grill into the bed of his Ford F-350 beside a case of a dozen aerosol airhorns. "There's no such thing as global warming and I'm going to make damn sure my kids' science teachers are legally barred from discussing it."


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