The NFL season is about four weeks away, and in the weekends to come approximately 900 million Fantasy Football drafts will be held across the United States. If these numbers are correct, you will likely be taking part in about thirty-seven of them.
You don't need CRACKED to tell you the first four picks of your draft will be Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, LaDainian Tomlinson and Peyton Manning in some varying order. However, here are six special things to watch out for while you wait for your next pick to wind back around to you:
Most Likely to Get Drafted Despite Not Playing This Season
The St. Louis running back is out for the year and likely won't play again. But that won't stop someone in your league from noticing Faulk's name still unscratched from the outdated list he' using and thinking he' come up with the steal of the year.
Most Likely to Prompt an Annoying Chris Berman Impersonation
"WHATCHOO TALKIN' BOUT" WILLIS McGAHEE
Depending on the rest of your league, you could be hearing a lot of these as guys try to prove how funny and creative they are by imitating a hack who's been beating the same gimmick into the ground for about twenty years longer than it was even mildly amusing. Outside of the drafting of the "New York Football Giants" and "Da Raaaaidahs" defenses, don't be surprised to hear gems like Curtis "My Favorite" Martin; Hines "57" Ward; "Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling from" Terry Glenn; and Ernest Wilford "Ever Produce a Car They Can Sell Consistently without Having to Resort to Employee Pricing so They Don't Have to Lay Off Thousands of Workers Every Other Financial Quarter".
Least Likely to Have His Name Spelled Correctly When the Roster Gets Printed
It' really easy if you just break it down with mnemonics. First, Housh
is like house
... but with an "h" on the end. Then man
. Just remember this handy sentence: "T.J. is a man who lives in a house... with an 'h' instead of an 'e'... and... uh... dzadah." See? Easy!
Injury Most Likely to Be Played Up By the Guy Drafting Behind You
Portis separated his shoulder and will miss the rest of the pre-season, but shouldn't miss more than one game of the regular season. He' one of the top backs in the league and plays for a coach who' determined to run the ball, so ignore the guy on the other side of the room saying, "I heard they're scheduling another MRI on Portis. I guess they think he might have torn some tendons. If that' the case, that' going to mean surgery, and he'll probably miss the whole season. I sure am glad I'm not picking him."
Injury You Should Most Downplay to the Guy Drafting Before You
Martin has yet to show up in Jets camp, he's on the Physically Unable To Perform list and the team just traded for Lee Suggs. Even if he was healthy, Martin would still be 33 years old and coming off the worst season of his career. CRACKED recommends saying something like "Oh, man, is Curtis Martin still on the board? We're in the ninth round and nobody has taken the best damn running back in Jets and Patriots history?
Injury? He' a veteran.
They never come to training camp if they don't have to! He' just saving himself for when it matters. Go ahead and keep passing on him. When I draft him and he miraculously is 100% for the first game of the season, be prepared for my trashtalking."
Most Likely to Be Drafted WAY Too Early
He may well be the most famous kicker in NFL history. Having played a pivotal role in the Patriots' Super Bowl wins, now Vinatieri gets to kick indoors with the league' most explosive offense. What' on tap could be the greatest fantasy season any kicker has every seen. Regardless, that' akin to saying "Jordan Peele could have the most successful film career of any MAD TV alum." Vinatieri is still a kicker and, if you take him in the seventh round, in a best case scenario he'll earn you a point and a half more per game than the guy someone else takes ten rounds later.