CRACKED NFL Preview

The new NFL season is upon us and Cracked is here with an in-depth, team-by-team preview full of analysis and insight you won't find anywhere else.


AFC East
New England Patriots
STRENGTH:You
You don't respect the Patriots. You don't acknowledge their greatness. You don't spend every waking moment thinking about how their awesomeness and striving to be like them in every way you can. Problem is, the Patriots know about your heinous disrespect. And it fuels them.

WEAKNESS:Tom Brady
Can you imagine how tough it must be to concentrate with that dreamboat staring you down in the huddle? What a gorgeous man.





Buffalo Bills
STRENGTH: Track record
It' hard to believe, but the Bills haven't lost a Super Bowl in more than 10 years. In fact, they haven't even gotten close. Impressive, huh?! It' that type of continued success that makes it seem like they could be about to break through.

WEAKNESS: Quarterback
The Bills quarterbacks stink. On the bright side, they're always candidates for Comeback Player of the Year.





Miami Dolphins
STRENGTH: Team morale
Their suspended running back, Ricky Williams, is a total pothead, but luckily he didn't clean out his locker before leaving the team for the CFL. Score!

WEAKNESS:Toughness
Studies show that teams with uniforms colors like Miami' official Pansy Teal and Wuss Orange tend to play like giant pussies.







New York Jets
STRENGTH:Gradual improvement
The Jets have long been viewed as the worst team in the AFC East, but it' been several years since they've finished fifth in the division. That' measurable improvement.

WEAKNESS:Facts
The AFC East was cut down from five teams to four in 2002.







How They'll Finish:
The Patriots will finish 11-5 and clinch the division before the final game, giving Tom Brady a few weeks to rest and bang your girlfriend before the playoffs. The Dolphins and Bills will follow in second and third place, respectively, and the Jets will come in fifth. Somehow.




AFC North
Cincinnati Bengals
STRENGTH:Wide receiver
Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh form a dynamic duo that would be even better if Johnson wouldn't insist on only running routes that take him in the direction of TV cameras.

WEAKNESS:Defense
One of the best known sayings in sports is: "Defense wins championships." Probably the only better known saying is: "No team with a defense as awful as the Bengals' will ever win a championship."




Baltimore Ravens
STRENGTH:Experience
Over the past few years it' been next to impossible to break open for a big gain against the Baltimore defense. The main reason for their impermeability? Most of the guys on their squad have spent enough time in jail to know that you never let an adversary get behind you.

WEAKNESS:Depth
Linebacker Ray Lewis is one of the best leaders in sports, but his practice of stabbing teammates in the stomach if they miss an assignment has really thinned the team' ranks over the years.




Cleveland Browns
STRENGTH:Coaching
Say the Browns are flying out to play a West division team and their plane goes down in the Rockies. Romeo Crennel' body could feed the team for a month. Sure, the likes of Bill Cowher, Brian Billick and Jon Gruden have Super Bowls, but they'd only feed a team for a week â€" tops. With the typical NFL appetite, that just won't do.

WEAKNESS:History
The Browns have never appeared in a Super Bowl and have only one winning season in the last 11 years. Add to it the fact that they're uniforms look like actual feces, and that' a lot to overcome.




Pittsburgh Steelers
STRENGTH:Confidence
Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last season, making them one of only three NFL teams with five championships and finally giving the franchise "One for the Thumb." Now the Steelers are set to get another ring with the rallying cry: "One for the Cock."

WEAKNESS:Leadership
Team leader Jerome Bettis retired, so that leaves quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to fill the void. But when Roethlisberger grows a beard, his cleft chin makes it look like he has a hairy ball sack stuck to his face. And it' hard to be a leader of men with a scrotum on your face. Ask any French general.

How They'll Finish:
The Steelers will win the division with a 12-4 record with the Bengals and Ravens behind them at 9-7. That' nine wins, seven losses or nine arrests, seven convictions. We're not sure which.



AFC South
Houston Texans
STRENGTH:They've got Reggie Bush!
The Texans were fortunate enough to get the No. 1 pick in this year' draft, enabling them to pick a once-in-a-generation talent like Reggie Bush.

WEAKNESS:Are you kidding me?!
They didn't pick him?! They picked some lineman from NC State? Oh, wow, wow, wow. What an awful organization.







Indianapolis Colts
STRENGTH:Experience
The Colts have lost in the playoffs in almost every way imaginable. So before long they'll have run out of ways to lose, meaning they'll finally win the Super Bowl. Or they'll start missing the playoffs altogether. Either or.

WEAKNESS:Rudeness of opponents
Do the Colts' opponents not know it is Peyton Manning' destiny to win the Super Bowl? How dare they stand in the way of the greatness predestined for Archie' little boy! It' rude is what it is. Every time he throws a pass in the chest of opposing defender, they should drop it out of respect.

Tennessee Titans
STRENGTH:Hope
Some said the Titans shouldn't draft Vince Young — a side-armed quarterback with no concept of a pro offense and the intellect of jockstrap. But the Titans are idealists. Stupid, doomed idealists. But idealists nonetheless.

WEAKNESS:Not memorable
People remember the Titans from the Denzel Washington movie. But not these Titans. These Titans aren't memorable because these Titans suck. In fact, the only reason people remember these Titans is so they can remind themselves not to watch them again.





Jacksonville Jaguars
STRENGTH:Motivation
The Jaguars are one of the franchises that the NFL could move to Los Angeles. Jacksonville' players can use that carrot as a reason to play well in hopes of raising their marketability for when they leave the hell hole that is Jacksonville, Florida.

WEAKNESS:Quarterback
It doesn't seem fair that the Jaguars got stuck with the only immobile black quarterback in history.





How They'll Finish:
The Colts will take the division with 11 wins, not counting playoff victories. Counting playoff victories, they'll have 11 wins.




AFC West
Denver Broncos
STRENGTH:Thin mountain air
As any ESPN commentator will tell you, the Broncos always have an advantage over their opponents who struggle to play in such high altitude.

WEAKNESS:Thin mountain air
As any ESPN commentator will tell you, the thin air allows Jake Plummer' passes to stay aloft a split second longer, making them that much easier to intercept.






Kansas City Chiefs
STRENGTH:Coaching
Not that new coach Herm Edwards is all that great, but at least he doesn't break into tears every five minutes like that estrogen junkie Dick Vermeil.

WEAKNESS:Tackling
The Chiefs don't care for it. And who can blame them? People can get hurt.









Oakland Raiders
STRENGTH:The autumn wind is a Raider
At least according to John Facenda of NFL Films it is. Unfortunately, the autumn wind smells like rotting foliage and in Oakland, worse.

WEAKNESS:Compassion
The Raiders brought in former Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks to be their new quarterback just months after New Orleans was leveled by Hurricane Katrina. It's very kind of them to bring in a hurricane refugee and give him a job, but their plans to actually play him? Madness.




San Diego Chargers
STRENGTH:Offense
The Chargers can struggle a bit when it comes to wins and losses, but their players are outstanding when it comes to putting up fantasy stats. And for most football fans, that's all that matters.

WEAKNESS:Weather
What? We didn't make the playoffs? Oh well. Hey can you give me a ride to the beach.





How They'll Finish:
Give the division to the Chiefs because Larry Johnson will run for more than 2,000 yards — and then their game against the Raider will end. (Bu-dum-cha!)


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