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CRACKED INSIDER: Jesus is a Winner

Read on for an exclusive Cracked Insider look at Issue #2, in Barnes and Noble bookstores everywhere! In today's sneak peak, Jack O'Brien looks into Jesus' obsession with professional sporting events.
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It' the first philosophical question most children ask: if God is good, then why doesn't He stop all of the world' suffering?

Apparently, children aren't watching enough sports, because with every skyward finger-point and "I'd just like to thank Jesus" post-game interview, the answer becomes more and more clear: Jesus' No. 1 concern is the outcome of professional sporting events.

But with so many touchdowns to score and homeruns to hit, can Jesus keep His eye on that other, less interesting ball known as the rest of the world?



Jesus Wins the Super Bowl

You don't have to look very hard to see that there might be cause for alarm. At the end of the first January of the new millenium, 30 days after pulling a Gatsby at his 2000th birthday part, a plane carrying 169 passengers crashed into the ocean in Kenya, killing all but seven, and leaving countless mourners to ask, "Where are you, God?"

Apparently, those mourners didn't have cable. If they did, they would have known that on January 30, 2000, He was in the Georgia Dome winning Super Bowl XXXIV for Kurt Warner. As Warner explained, "the Lord placed me in this position for a particular destiny-this place, this time, for a special thing. And we've got" guys here that the Lord has assembled and we just give the praise and glory to God." But Warner-who the Lord seems to have forgotten about lately-isn't the only Ram that Jesus was busy helping.


Jesus Touches Isaac Bruce' Crotch

One week before, on June 23rd, 2000, wide receiver Isaac Bruce, one of Warner' favorite targets that season, experienced the divine hand of the Lord-in the general vicinity of his genitals. Bruce told Sports Illustrated that after injuring his groin in pre-game warm-ups, he got on the phone with his sister and prayed himself back to health.

A few hundred miles from where Jesus was playing Mr. Miyagi to Bruce' Daniel, nine-time Pro Bowler Derrick Thomas was on his way to the same game when his car spun out of control, killing him and his passenger. Luckily for the Rams, Thomas was retired, so the accident had no bearing on the game or its subsequent T-shirt deals. One can only imagine Jesus' relief upon learning that it was a retired player-not one of Bruce' blockers-who wouldn't be making it to the game that day.


An Alarming Trend

It would be hard to fault the Lord if these were just isolated incidents. It was the Super Bowl, and according to Bruce and Warner, Jesus is a huge Rams fan. However, as the below chart demonstrates, Jesus is a fan of lots of different sports-and his calendar is only getting fuller.

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