9 Predictions for This Year's Super Bowl Broadcast

Prediction 7 You will be bombarded with promos for God-awful CBS replacement shows.

Analysis: Whichever network is broadcasting the game always uses the opportunity to advertise shows that weren't good enough to get a spot at the beginning of the season. But by February, the network has to start airing the TV equivalent of a scraper taking a layer of wood off the bottom of a barrel, usually because by this point the latest Friends spin-off was cancelled and the network is hesitant to put up 30 minutes of static in its place. The record for the most successful replacement show ever promoted during the Super Bowl is held by Sons & Daughters, which was canceled after six episodes despite being advertised 74,209 times during a Super Bowl broadcast—which makes the time spent advertising the show longer than the total time the show actually spent on the air.

Over/Under on the Number of New CSI: Arbitrary American City Shows that Will Be Introduced During CBS' Broadcast: 3

Prediction 8 A bunch of teenagers will storm the field at half time, showing fake rabid enthusiasm for the musical performance.

Analysis: The half-time show presents a problem for organizers. Most people are at the Super Bowl because they're, you know, football fans—not because they simply can't get enough of the great combination of Britney Spears lip-synching and fireworks. Instead of taking this into account when planning the show, Super Bowl organizers continue to book pop musicians years past their prime like Aerosmith, Mick Jagger and this year, Prince, round up a bunch of teenagers from a nearby food court and pay them to dance badly (which is actually a pretty apt description of how Britney Spears met her ex-husband).

Odds You Will Enjoy Super Bowl XLI's Half Time Show: XLI to 1 Odds Super Bowl XLI's Half Time Show Will Crystallize Everything that Is Wrong with America: 1 to 1

Prediction 9 Phil Simms will point out something painfully obvious in the "Simms Spotlight" segment.

Analysis: How many times will CBS let Boomer Esiason impersonator Phil Simms recite a minute-long speech on how a field goal is worth three points before they take him out behind the A/V truck and squeeze a round off into his fake blond hairdo? Apparently, upwards of 18—since week one of the regular season, Simms has bestowed viewers with nuggets of meaningless bullshit like, "Give the ball to what's his name," and "Don't let them dink and dunk." If that's the kind of expert analysis he'll be offering during the Super Bowl, America will learn more about the ins and outs of football from watching another ad about how awesome Diet Pepsi is.

Odds that Phil Simms will enlighten America on why it is good to tackle the guy with the ball, and bad to do the opposite: 5:1

Thank you, Phil. We get it. And catching the ball is good, fumbling the ball is bad and air is what the football players breathe. Please just shut the fuck up.

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