9 Predictions for This Year's Super Bowl Broadcast

Prediction 1 Phil Simms, Jim Nantz or both will exaggerate how many people are watching.

Analysis: You hear it every year: "Welcome to the Super Bowl, currently being watched by all 6 billion human beings on planet Earth." Even putting aside various Third World regions of our planet where people don't "gather 'round the TV" so much as swat flies and eat each other's hair, that still leaves Europe. These are people brought up on a sport where the only thing standing between a player and a broken thighbone are a pair of snug shorts. Helmets, pads and mandatory 35-second breaks between plays are a hard sell.

Odds Super Bowl XLI Commentators Phil Simms and Jim Nantz Will Exaggerate The Ratings: 3:1

The fact that most countries don't have running water, let alone reliable Nielson ratings, enables network executives to pretend that everyone in Darfur is watching the game on a high-def plasma screen on wheels instead of completing their 14-day trek to a UN refugee camp. Much like the idea of the Texans ever winning a Super Bowl, it theoretically could be true, but that doesn't make it any less stupid to say out loud.

Prediction 2 Jim Nantz or Phil Simms will make a huge deal about the fighter jet flyover during the national anthem.

Analysis: Sure, it's probably spectacular if you're actually there. For the 6 billion of us watching on TV, though, nothing's quite as underwhelming as two stationary, screeching specks hovering in the sky above the stadium. Those jets look like they're traveling at about three miles per hour, tops—so it's a mystery why, every year, whoever's doing the game gets misty-eyed describing the scene. Maybe they're considering how colossally fucked we'd all be if we ever had to get in an air battle with those alien planes from Independence Day.

Odds Jim Nantz Will Do It in XLI: 5:1

Football commentators love to use military terminology and compare football to all-out warfare. And what better place to start than by describing actual fighter jets?

Prediction 3 Phil Simms will compare whatever team is winning to the Giants team he took to the Super Bowl.

Analysis: It's a scientific fact: once a fan's actually gone to a live Super Bowl, they will be physically incapable of watching subsequent Super Bowls on TV without mentioning the one they went to three or four times an hour. Take this phenomenon, and now throw into the mix a player who won MVP honors in Super Bowl XXI, who's been asked to watch the upcoming Super Bowl with a microphone in his face the entire time. Basically, it'll be a lot like asking John Goodman to describe his thoughts on eating steak—chances are he has a wealth of knowledge on the topic.

Odds He'll Name Drop Ex-Teammate Mark Bavaro: 7:1

Odds Anyone Remembers Who the Hell Mark Bavaro Is: 100:1

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