Socrates Moves To The Neighborhood

Hello, I just bought the house down the street, and, as required by law, am here to introduce myself to you as a registered sex offender. Actually, I didn't buy it, I'm just renting for the-

Okay, that's a fair question. Allow me to answer it this way: exactly how many 12-year-old boys have you had sex with? None? Would you condemn McDonald's without first trying a Big Mac? Please admit your ignorance, sir.

You see, an Athenian jury convicted me of "Corrupting the Youth of Athens," and, later, "Involuntary Deviate Sexual Intercourse." Ridiculous, right? What's wrong with teaching young men to question authority? Athens didn't lose the Peloponnesian War because I prefer testicles that haven't sunk yet.

Is my asking you these questions helping with your quest for knowledge? Is it at least fulfilling my legal obligation under the terms of Megan's Law, Officer O'Brien? Thank you.

It is much like the Allegory of the Cave. There's a cave, okay? And it's filled with oiled-up Greek boys chained to the wall. They don't even know that there's anything outside the cave, because every time they ask if they can go home now, I bombard them with ridiculous, unanswerable questions until they get confused and fondle my-well"�you get the idea.

My Theory of Forms holds that the material world is simply a shadow of the real world. There is a form, or blueprint of perfection, for everything. There are many chairs, but there is only one Form of Chairness. Similarly, there are many 12-year-old boys, but only one Cleon, and he is beautiful.

Speaking of which, do you have any young sons? I'm quite the tutor. Ever hear of a guy named Plato? I taught him for free. Well, almost.

GodotIsWaiting4U

10/17/11 10:01 AM

The Realm of Forms is Plato's stuff. In fact, almost everything we know about Socrates is the words Plato put in his mouth. Socrates never wrote anything, and all we have to know about him is Plato, a few dialogues by Xenophon, and a play by Aristophanes.

Hilarious, though, I'll grant you that.

TheDoubleStroke

10/17/11 06:43 AM

I'm a philosophy major as well, and I found this absolutely brilliant. It's a comedy website, and a parody on our contemporary ideas of ancient Greece.

jazzcat

10/15/11 10:47 AM

Another article I should feel bad about finding hilarious.

XD

noingwhat

10/14/11 11:33 PM

Ummm... world of forms and shadows and the allegory of the cave is all Plato...

mortalkonlaw

10/14/11 09:22 PM

Well this is mildly irritating. Plato's Socrates' point is that attraction to young men should be directed towards helping them become adult men with thinking brains, not pederasty.

But this is a comedy website, and we all know that only f@gs know anything about Ancient Greece other than it involved f@g-losiphers and that Socrates was among them. Oh, and the Spartans were totally not gay, and it's entirely a rumor that they systematically raped boys, murdered slaves, fawned over the gods whims, and had to have their women dress as men so they'd produce children. 300 was the shit, man.

ZacheryMoore

10/14/11 03:32 PM

Allegory of the Cave and Theory of Forms were Plato's, not Socrates'.

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johnnyt471
10/14/11 04:37 PM
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But Plato wrote as if the theory originated with Socrates.
sakolock
10/14/11 08:14 PM
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The key words there are "but Plato wrote". One should never, ever attribute Plato's writing to Socrates' ideas.

This mini-article made me crack a small smile though, so no need to be dickish. Still, this article seems more Plato-based than Socrates-based in terms of allusions.
Enlil
10/14/11 08:54 PM
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Socrates never wrote anything anyway. Property is theft dammit!

NeoEclipse

09/14/09 11:18 AM

Yes, as a philosophy major I am biased. I think so anyway... but that's besides the point. Did ancient Greek men have sexual relations with young boys? Yes. Did they ever stick it in them? Probably not; it is believed that action by the adult male was done in between the boys legs and did result in climax. However, married men were looked upon to have a student, or prospect, whatever to have fitting and socially appropriate relations with a young boy. A young boy was also very well respected if he had an adult, especially a philosopher, lover. The idea of homosexuality was not then what it is today. Though we make think that this was socially backwards to what we think now, consider what is currently socially appropriate now and how it will be considered in the future. A girl's 18 and I'm 45? Oh fuck I'll masturbate to that shit! God I wish I could hit that! For all we know, in the future the legal age for LOOKING at porn might have to be within 2 fucking years of the