6 Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Wedding

#3. Perform Oral Sex on the Bride

Some weddings just don't incorporate enough sex-play. And if you're not going to do something about it, who will? As this clip demonstrates, flashing your ass first, then sticking your head up the bride's dress is a fantastic way to generally creep everyone out. But, the reverse order (oral first, ass-flash second) will work just as well. Also, you should probably have another cosmo just to be on the safe side.

#2. Kung-Fu Kick the Bride in the Stomach

Whether you're participating in a televised wedding such as this one, or attending a normal wedding, there's simply no better way to utterly derail someone's special day than striking the bride with a vicious kung-fu style kick to the gut. It works on two levels. First, the concept of violence toward women is especially disquieting, and second, bystanders will be stunned by how perfectly executed your vicious kung-fu kick was. Also, feel free to throw a couple of follow-up punches to make sure your point got across, and consider also running across the room to kick someone else in the torso as long as the cat's out of the bag.

#1. Roll Up on a Motorcycle and Body Slam the Bride


Now, assaulting a bride on her wedding day is one thing, but preceding it by skidding to a halt atop a rad Kawasaki motorbike is decidedly more badass. If you're about to wail on some bride's ass, you don't want to arrive, say, on a Segway. And after all, you need to show her fiancé that you love him and that you also love the way that he stands idly by as his future wife is physically assaulted in her $5,000 dress. Two pieces of advice if you go with this wedding-ruining technique: Make sure you shave your head beforehand to avoid the savage hair-pulling, and also try to do this at a wedding where the bystanders won't find the physical violence so downright hilarious.

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