What I Did on December 12 Instead of Pardoning Tookie

Earlier this week, Governor Schwarzenegger was the center of media attention, as all eyes turned to see if he would pardon reformed gang-banger ""Tookie"" Williams. Finding himself in a position in which his time-honored catch phrases would be wildly inappropriate, Arnold did the smart thing and made himself scarce. However, CRACKED obtained a copy of the notes that he turned in to the publishing house that is producing his biography. This is what Arnold was doing that day, in his own words.

8AM Media event with flabby, underprivileged school children from Compton High School. Punched principal in arm playfully, not like last time.

8:15AM Reminded the children of what is best in life: To crush enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.

8:30AM During speech remembered that I had to decide whether or not to execute "Tookie" Johnson. Looked in the eyes of countless underprivileged black children.

9:00AM Interrupted my speech, called San Quentin and asked for "Tookie". Once he answered, said, "Pardon"¦me I've got the wrong number." Laughed maniacally.

9:05AM Asked the children "What are you looking at, haven't you ever seen a man laugh before?"

9:25AM Stopped laughing. Noticed that the children had all left the gymnasium at some point during the last 25 minutes. Reminded myself to redouble fitness initiative in underprivileged neighborhoods.

10:15AM Sex and breakfast at same time.

10:45AM Smoked stogie and digested 37 lbs of live veal.

11:45PM Took call from Jamie Foxx, Re: "Tookie" Williams. Asked him to try to imagine if "Tookie" had killed Damon, Keenan-Ivory or one of his other brothers.

1:00PM Masturbated to picture of myself from '77.

2:15PM Destroyed something beautiful.

2:45PM Jumped in the shower, got an idea"¦

3:00PM Drove to work. Asked intern if she'd like to "soap this". Advisor told me to put a towel on. Dried off in the men's bathroom.

4:00PM Picked up weakling children from school. Photo Op with Hummer. Teased daughter about her developing breasts.

5:00PM Worked on 7 year old son' delts and upped his glyco load.

6:30PM Dinner and speech at California Republican Party. Bench pressed podium before speech.

8:35PM Conference call with Snoop Dogg and other prominent black, Re: "Tookie". Don't know if it was Snoop or the weed but started to question whether or not to execute.

10:00PM Worked on Maria' abs. Asked her what "Clemency" is.

11:00PM Call with pencil-necked President. Discussed the issue of race and capital punishment.

11:30PM Headed over to San Quentin.

11:45PM Prison officials informed me that the governor does not perform the execution with own hands. Put away meat cleaver and tried to hide my disappointment.

12:30AM Slept. Dreamt of race of atomic supermen armies at command.