The People's Court: International Edition

Up Next..."The Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Cue bongo drums...

What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with a case pending in an international court. Both parties have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here... in our forum... THE PEOPLE'S COURT.

ANNOUNCER:
This is the plaintiff, President George W Bush. He claims that the defendant, Saddam Hussein, had weapons of mass destruction that he hid from the world. He's suing Saddam for crimes against humanity and for being a general nuisance.

ANNOUNCER:
This is the defendant, Saddam Hussein. He says he got rid of his weapons of mass destruction a long time ago and that the Plaintiff nonetheless trespassed into his country, where he proceeded to bomb and destroy various landmarks. He's countersuing for damage to his country.

DOUG LLEWELLYN:
Welcome to the People's Court. Today, we have the case of "The Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction."

Judge Wapner is now entering the courtroom. Let's watch.

WAPNER:
I know you've been sworn and I have read your complaints.

Mr. Bush, you say that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction?

BUSH:

Yes, your honor. He did. He was getting uranium and yellow cake from Niger.

SADDAM:

Your honor that is the mother of all lies! I have the memo from your Ambassador, Joe Wilson, in my hand saying that these are...

WAPNER:
Hey! I'm not speaking to you! You'll get your chance.

Mr. Bush, please continue.

BUSH:

Well, you know, that's about it. He was a bad man, and the world's better off now that he's not in power.

WAPNER:

OK. Now Saddam, you said you have a memo that refutes what the plaintiff claims?

SADDAM:
That is correct, your honor. I have this memo from Ambassador Joe Wilson. He specifically went to Niger, investigated these ridiculous claims of the infidel plaintiff about the yellow cake and found that...

WAPNER:

Do you have that memo with you? Can I see it?

SADDAM:

Of course. Here it...

WAPNER:

Just hand it to Rusty, the bailiff, please.

Rusty takes the memo and hands it to Judge Wapner, who glances over it.

WAPNER:

Mr. Bush, have you seen this memo?

BUSH:

I was briefed your honor, but I did not read...

WAPNER:

That's not what I asked. I asked, have you seen this before?

BUSH:
Yes, your honor. It was in a pile of papers on my desk. But there were lots of things in that pile, including another memo entitled, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack in the US" and...

WAPNER:
OK. Thank you. So do you have any evidence that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction?

BUSH:
Well, he was a bad man. He wasn't in compliance with UN Resolutions for over 12 years and after September 11th, we...

WAPNER (annoyed):

Let me ask this again: Do you have any evidence that he had weapons of mass destruction?

BUSH:

Evidence? Like what?

WAPNER (fed up):

Like a receipt. Do you have a receipt showing that he bought those weapons?

BUSH:

A receipt? I am a war President. The world is safer because of the decisions...

WAPNER (annoyed):

Just answer the question, please.

WAPNER (turns to SADDAM):
Saddam, the plaintiff is also alleging that you were a nuisance, picked on your neighbors, threw loud parties and a few other things. For instance, you buried yourself in a hole in the ground but didn't have a permit to do so on the property. Is that correct?

SADDAM:
Your honor, that is the mother of all lies. I have all the permits in this folder. I specifically applied for a permit to dig the rat-infested shithole on my property and it was approved by the Ministry of Rat Bastards and Shitholes.

WAPNER:
Please give that folder to Rusty.

You're also countersuing the plaintiff for trespass and damage to your country?

SADDAM:
Yes, your honor. He attacked the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq and pillaged our national treasures. He bombed hospitals, schools and allowed looters to steal our...

WAPNER (to BUSH):

Mr. Bush, did you attack the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq?

BUSH:
Your honor, we had a coalition of the willing, including 47 countries like Micronesia, Rwanda, the Soloman Islands, Uganda...

WAPNER (ANGRY, TO BUSH):
You didn't answer my question. Did you attack the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq?

BUSH:

Yes, but...

WAPNER (EXASPERATED):
Thank you. (Pause) Saddam, did you get an appraiser to look at the damage?

SADDAM:

I did, your honor.

WAPNER:

OK. I will take a brief recess and look at all of these documents.

ANNOUNCER: What will Judge Wapner decide? Will he find in favor of the plaintiff and rule that the defendant was a threat who might have possessed weapons of mass destruction? Or will he rule in favor of the defendant? Find out after this break.

DOUG LLEWELLYN:
Welcome back to the case of "The Disappearing Weapons of Mass Destruction." The plaintiff, George Bush, had some serious complaints against the defendant. But it seems that Saddam was very good at keeping records. Judge Wapner is coming back into the courtroom now. Let's listen to his decision.

WAPNER: I looked through the memo, and it's clear to anyone with two halves of a brain that the defendant could not have had weapons of mass destruction and did not even possess the capability to develop such weapons. I doubt he even owned a coffee maker. And Mr. Bush, you could not produce a receipt for any such weapons of mass destruction.

WAPNER: I spent some time looking through the defendant's records, and it's clear that the plaintiff did damage the defendant's country. The appraisal says that the defendant will need close to $100 billion dollars over the next year to repair the damage caused by the plaintiff. Unfortunately, this is a small claims court and damages are capped.

WAPNER:I rule in favor of the defendant, Saddam Hussein, and order the plaintiff to pay him $5,000 for damages done to the glorious Arab fatherland of Iraq.

DOUG LLEWELLYN:
The litigants are on they're way out, let's get their reactions. Here comes the plaintiff, George Bush.

DOUG LLEWELLYN(to BUSH):

President Bush, Judge Wapner had some tough words for you in there.

BUSH:
Well, I think Judge Wapner, you know he's not the kind of jurist I would want on the Supreme Court. He doesn't understand that it's Congress' role to make the laws. I'm a war President and after September 11th, I can't...

DOUG LLEWELLYN:

But you didn't have any receipts to back it up.

BUSH:

No, but I...

DOUG LLEWELLYN:
Well, lesson learned. Next time, you should save your receipts. Rusty has some documents for you to sign and will show you out. Here comes the defendant, Saddam Hussein.

DOUG (to SADDAM): A good day for you in court, wouldn't you say?

SADDAM:
Well, yes, Doug. I would like to thank the Almighty that Judge Wapner is a wise man in the tradition of Abraham, Solomon and myself. And not like that Harriet Miers.

DOUG LLEWELLYN:

But you must have been upset that you were only awarded $5,000?

SADDAM:

Yes, that is too bad because I saved all the receipts.

DOUG LLEWELLYN:
OK, well Rusty has some documents for you to sign...and that wraps up this episode of The People's Court. This is Doug Llewellyn, saying:, the next time someone accuses you of having weapons of mass destruction and bombs your country, don't take the law into your own hands-- take them to court.