President Bush Learns 5 Important Lessons from History

I remember the first day of history class in fourth grade, when I opened my book only to be informed by the book' previous owner that I was a Trifagatops. It was around this time that I learned not to trust what was written in books (the Trifagatops was extinct by the end of the Jurassic period). But after an embarrassing incident a couple of weeks ago (I seem to have implied that we won the Vietnam War, that Vietnam is in Australia and that the Vietnamese people lack reproductive organs), I decided it was time to brush up on my history. So I went back to that fourth grade history book, and with the benefit of age and wisdom found myself able to comprehend over half of it. Based on the lessons I learned, I think you'll agree with me that history can teach us a lot about the world we live in today.

Current Issue: The seemingly endless war in Iraq
Historical Precedent: World War II
Solution to Current Issue: Drop an atomic bomb on a Japanese city
Explanation: Harry Truman made a tough decision to bomb a Japanese city as a means to end the war and then a second Japanese city really for no reason at all. Now, blowing up that second city is where I got the idea to savagely bomb a random Japanese city to bring about the end of the Iraq war. I'm not saying that violence will solve all of our problems. But I am saying that violence-especially if it' senseless, gratuitous and directed against Japanese people-has historically worked every single time it' been used.

Current Issue: Obesity Epidemic
Historical Precedent: Back when only the rich were fat
Solution to Current Issue: Bring back top hats
Explanation: When top hats were in style, only the rich people wore them, and all the rich people were fat. See where I'm going with this? What we should do is put little top hats in happy meals. Get our children to develop good habits early. See what I mean?

Current Issue: Tensions with North Korea
Historical Precedent: Tensions with the Soviet Union
Solution to Current Issue: Go to the moon
Explanation: One small step for man, one giant up yours to the Soviet Union. That' what my biking pal Lance Armstrong said to the Ruskies back in '74 when he was the first man to walk on the moon. So, I think it' not unfair to say that when the North Koreans see our new moon base they'll go democrazy! And don't try to tell me they have no contact with the outside world-everybody can see the moon.

Current Issue: Immigrants taking over American jobs
Historical Precedent: Slavery
Solution to Current Issue: Set the immigrants free
Explanation: It' simple. Americans complain their jobs are going to immigrants who work for less. I say we just set 'em free. We got this one little feller' Guadalupe, that we keep at the ranch down in Crawford. He has dreams to one day be allowed in the house and earn a larger cage for he and his family to sleep in. Well, the moment the slaves were emancipated, all of their problems went away and they started being rich doctors with children named Rudy and Theo, and the rest of us Americans were able to go back to our regular jobs. Why should it be any different now?


Current Issue: Not enough medication in case of an Avian Flu outbreak
Historical Precedent: Regular flu I used to get when I was little
Solution to Current Issue: Chicken soup
Explanation: Works every time.


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