President Bush Learns 5 Important Lessons from History
Historical Precedent: World War II
Solution to Current Issue: Drop an atomic bomb on a Japanese city
Explanation: Harry Truman made a tough decision to bomb a Japanese city as a means to end the war and then a second Japanese city really for no reason at all. Now, blowing up that second city is where I got the idea to savagely bomb a random Japanese city to bring about the end of the Iraq war. I'm not saying that violence will solve all of our problems. But I am saying that violence-especially if it' senseless, gratuitous and directed against Japanese people-has historically worked every single time it' been used.
Historical Precedent: Back when only the rich were fat
Solution to Current Issue: Bring back top hats
Explanation: When top hats were in style, only the rich people wore them, and all the rich people were fat. See where I'm going with this? What we should do is put little top hats in happy meals. Get our children to develop good habits early. See what I mean?
Historical Precedent: Tensions with the Soviet Union
Solution to Current Issue: Go to the moon
Explanation: One small step for man, one giant up yours to the Soviet Union. That' what my biking pal Lance Armstrong said to the Ruskies back in '74 when he was the first man to walk on the moon. So, I think it' not unfair to say that when the North Koreans see our new moon base they'll go democrazy! And don't try to tell me they have no contact with the outside world-everybody can see the moon.
Historical Precedent: Slavery
Solution to Current Issue: Set the immigrants free
Explanation: It' simple. Americans complain their jobs are going to immigrants who work for less. I say we just set 'em free. We got this one little feller' Guadalupe, that we keep at the ranch down in Crawford. He has dreams to one day be allowed in the house and earn a larger cage for he and his family to sleep in. Well, the moment the slaves were emancipated, all of their problems went away and they started being rich doctors with children named Rudy and Theo, and the rest of us Americans were able to go back to our regular jobs. Why should it be any different now?
Historical Precedent: Regular flu I used to get when I was little
Solution to Current Issue: Chicken soup
Explanation: Works every time.
Am I the only one that thinks that it was wrong to bomb japenese CITIZENS. I think they should have nuked a military base or something.
Replygod i hate crakced
Replythe author thinks we nuked Nagasaki for no reason at all?
Reply Hide All See All 8 Repliesguess he didn't know japan had not agreed to unconditional surrender yet. that little fact seems to elude him.
Japan had already used up its resources, both human and material. Forcing a surrender would not have taken much longer, but the U.S. decided to blow up a whole bunch of innocent civilians instead.
Forcing a surrender? The Japanese were not about to surrender. They were preparing for an all-out defense of their sacred home islands. The 2nd bomb convinced a small group of Japanese politicians to persuade the emperor to issue a surrender decree...and there was so much opposition to this that the recorded decree had to be smuggled out of the palace in a basket of women's underwear.
I think this is a case of poes law
I really don't think the writer thinks that Lance Armstrong walked on the moon in 1974, either. I believe most of you do not know that this is a humor site. Also, the bombing of Japan was tragic. I personally blame it for irradiating their minds to the point that tentacle hentai and Hello Kitty were good ideas.
uhhh, guys and gals? I think you're missing the point. No, we didn't nuke nagasaki for no reason at all. Also, Lance Armstrong never went, to the moon, Dr. Huxtable is not a real person, and according to reliable sources, vietnemese people do indeed have reproductive organs. Whether you agree with this statement or not, the author is trying to imply that he thinks George Bush was a moron. I'm not saying he is or not, but that's clearly what the article's about.
ugh, and I hate to contribute to this, but from what I've learned, Japan was already surrendering. The point of contention that made it "not unconditional" was that they wanted to keep an emporer. America didn't like that conidtion, for whatever reason, so persuaded with a couple of rather large sticks, as was the style at the time
He was being intentionally stupid throughout the ENTIRE article. What are you on about?
Really Enlil? We did what was necessary to end a war, and i hate to imagine what would have happened if Japan or Germany developed the technology first. Not to mention the efforts and funds that America pumped into rebuilding the nations THAT STARTED THE WAR IN THE FIRST PLACE. Take your ignorant s*** elsewhere
This is genuinely funny!
ReplySome of you guys, ah... aren't really good at that whole "getting the joke" thing, are ya?
ReplyGetting that material about Bush on a humor site is meant in jest? What a propostorous idea! Also Trifagatops.
Lance Armstrong? '74?
ReplyAm I missing the joke on this one?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, Lance Armstrong rode a bike in France; the joke is one of substitution whereby one mistakes one for the other. And the mistake with the date is because f**k dates.
Who watches too much MSNBC? Endless war in Iraq being waged to kill jihaadists by the bucket and spread democracy in the Middle East? War ended. Jihaadists and Osama killed. Democracy spreading. Obesity? Not the government's problem. Just put down the Big Mac. North Korea? Really? You are really gonna compare a country with no lightbulbs to the friggin U.S.S.R at the height of the Cold War? Immigrants? I thought everyone said Bush was an idiot for promoting amnesty and citizenship to illegals? That is what you meant right, illegal immigrants? Because we have had the whole immigration thing nailed down since the 1600's. And finally bird-flu/swine-flu/flu of the month...maybe, just maybe you shouldn't believe everything you see on TV.
ReplyYou're technically right but...dude...chill. It's a joke. The whole thing.
The sad part is Bush might actually read this and try one of these out.
ReplyBecause of course, he's still the guy in charge, right?
The sad thing is someone like you isn't intelligent enough to realize Bush isn't the president anymore.
"Harry Truman made a tough decision to bomb a Japanese city as a means to end the war" - war was already over, the Japanese had opened talks with Russia. Truman wanted to test out his new toy and take out a few nasty Nips at the same time.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMan, just watching someone fail this bad hurts.
Wow are you stupid. After Japan capitulated to the Allies fulfilling the requirements of the Potsdam Accord, of which Stalin was a signatory, the Soviet Union continued to fight the defeated and surrendered Japanese forces stranded in China and Manchuria for seven days in a successful attempt to grab as much territory as possible.
The war was actually not over.
The US demanded the Japanese surrender or "face great destruction" and they didn't surrender.
I'm pretty sure the republicans undermined support for the war when they made up facts, told people to go shopping after 9/11, and decided that Afghanistan wasn't as important to the "War on Terror." BTW weren't the hijackers Saudi and not Iraqi or Afghani?
ReplyYes, the hijackers were Saudi, but Bin Laden was hiding in Afghanistan, and we were after him. Iraq was because we really wanted to invade them.
Actually, Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11.
And I'm sorry whitestarline, we obviously shouldn't try to rid the world of TERRORists that want us all wiped off the face of the planet.