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Election '08: How Each Candidate Will Blow It

THE REPUBLICANS

JOHN McCAIN

Past Faux Pas

Being held as a prisoner of war in a North Vietnamese hellbox for the better part of a decade, a period during which he suffered debilitating wounds, near-constant torture, and, presumably, discomfort from hiding a deceased POW buddy's golden watch up his ass.

Future Faux Pas

Being held against his will at the old folks' home up on Route 9 because of his rapidly quickening senility, worsening skin condition, and increasing dislike of "young whipper-snapper sons of bitches" like Fred Thompson.


RUDY GIULIANI

Past Faux Pas

Claiming, in all earnestness, that former New York City police chief Bernard Kerik would make a great Secretary of Homeland Security. The only problems, of course, were Kerik's ties to organized crime, his affair with OJ Simpson's publisher, his acceptance improper gifts (read: bribes), and the fact that he's a total fucking moron.

Future Faux Pas

Elaborating on his reputation as an excellent judge of character and a realist, Giuliani will claim, in all earnestness, that if a Democrat is elected president, Muslim werewolves will break into your home and peel your nipples right off of your chest like Buddha says in the Koran.


NEWT GINGRICH

Past Faux Pas

A $300,000 sanction by the House Ethics Committee in 1997 for his questionable use of tax-deductible money. Basically, this chubby effeminate stole your tax money.

Future Faux Pas

As primary season approaches, Gingrich will be caught illegally funneling campaign funds into a private account that pays for his collection of ridiculous wigs and supportive man-bras.


MITT ROMNEY

Past Faux Pas

Being born a Mormon, which both the Democrats and the born-again faithful will try to convince America was a conscious choice. (Editor's note: they're right, you know.)

Future Faux Pas

When he receives the GOP nomination for President, he will break with traditional American values when he asks both Rudy Giuliani and John McCain to join him as candidates for Vice President.


FRED THOMPSON

Past Faux Pas

The man's plain lazy. The New Republic, for example, says he has "a long-standing reputation for lacking any passion, zeal, or vision for governing." And, really, the guy just looks like he's always about to conk out (or, alternatively, like he's one-third basset hound).

Future Faux Pas

Loudly inhaling a foam microphone cover as he snores like a Looney Toon on stage at the next debate.


TOMMY THOMPSON

Past Faux Pas

Forgetting for a moment that he looks like a less attractive Walter Matthau, we're going to go with having the name of a 12-year-old boy. The guy's middle name is George-what the shit's wrong with "George Thompson?" There was also some story about how he referred to getting rich as "part of the Jewish tradition," but, honestly, everyone has more of a problem with the funny name thing.

Future Faux Pas

As the pressure of the campaign becomes unbearable, the disoriented candidate will begin referring to inanimate objects in the same childish cadence as his name, and will be overheard asking for the "mic-y microphone," his "glass-y glasses," and his "concess-y concession speech."


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