A Pre-Election Primer for GOP Candidates

Hey there, Republican candidate! It' your President-in-Chief, George W. Bush!

As you may or may not know, election day is fast approaching. If you're not familiar, it' this holiday a couple days after Halloween which is actually a lot like Halloween, only instead of going to parties and pretending to be ghosts, the American people go into a small booth and pretend to have a say in what happens to our country. It' really adorable if you think about it.

Anyways, the American people will make decisions based on things that they call issues. These are basically different things that people care a whole lot about. Here's how to come down on the biggest of the bunch.

TERRORISM
My administration has long utilized the basic public policy of countering terrorist tactics with the only tried-and-true method: Freak everyone the fuck out.

We have done a decent job so far of making sure that people have a consistently high level of suspicion when it comes to the Islamofascist ArabNazis. But we could be doing more. Sure, we have a color-coded terror alert system, but using cooler colors like green and blue belies the real situation. Here's something that I will be introducing towards the middle of October that I think is more appropriate:

IMMIGRATION
Posting the military and the National Guard at the border? Tried it. Didn't work. A fence? That'll work great if you want to keep gophers out of your tomato plants, not migrant workers out of the job garden. Amnesty? More like shamnesty. (I got my speechwriters to make that up for me. All of you should start using it immediately.) Letting crazy guys just roam around Arizona with automatic weapons? Fun, but not super-effective.

No, there is only one solution to our immigration problem. I'm thinking we dig like, a big trench there and cover it up with some grass and dirt and stuff so they'll just run right in, and then we put a big net down there. Maybe one that's sticky like a spider's web so they can't move.

We could even get that M. Night Shyamalan fella' Dick thinks is a terrorist to cook up some spooky spider suits and scare the immigrants out of their wits. Soon, America would stop being known as the land of "back breaking, soul withering opportunity" and start being known as the "tierra de fuego" which is Spanish for the land of the giant terrifying spiders.

THE ECONOMY
Bring up the economy to just about anyone who keeps up with the stock market or who lost their job recently and all you hear is whine, whine, whine, fiscal responsibility, trade deficit, national debt, I can't feed my family.

Well, folks, the solution has been under our noses all along. Candidates, listen up, because apparently this is some huge secret. There's a building, right here in Washington where they print money. No fucking joke, they just make all the money they want there. It's called the US Mint and Geordi showed me how they do it in a confidential briefing code named Reading Rainbow. So why don't we just go over there and start printing some damn money? Shit, it's not like this is rocket science or anything. There's a building where they make money. Let's go to that building. Let' make some money. Problems solved.

How am I the only person who's noticed this? This will play big, guys. I've got Karl putting together some stuff for you on this, so stay tuned.

EDUCATION
Go against the grain here and say that education is good, and that we should teach all our children what they need to know to make it in today's fast-paced business world. Hold them to a high standard, even. Advocate a strong policy of not leaving them behind. Go on to make the radical statements that teachers are heroes and should be compensated for the job they do. Certainly not everyone will agree with these wild ideas, but someone has to express them.

Take a chance on this one, fellas.

IRAQ
As you've all probably heard by now, I devised a flawless two-pronged plan for victory in Iraq:

1) Find a course
2) Stay the course

We've been hammering away at that second prong for a while now. As soon as we can come up with a way to do the first one, we're golden.

Also, mention that Iran has nuclear weapons a lot. However, when discussing countries, try to make your Ns sound like Qs and your Syrias sound like Iraq. I'll explain why this is important at a later date.

CONGRESSIONAL CORRUPTION
Okay, so Mark Foley tried to pull the old, 'I was drunk, I don't remember,' card. Now, I won't lie, that was a personal favorite of mine back in college and into my early 40s. It didn't work for Mark because he apparently sent sexual emails while he was voting, which would mean he was drinking on the job. Now, unfortunately, people aren't very understanding about drinking on the job. However, anyone who' watched C-SPAN will understand if you were sleeping while Congress was in session. That' why, from this day forward, the GOP is going to employ the sleep walking excuse. Anytime someone says you did something wrong, just say, 'I was probably sleep walking, because the democrats are so boring they put me to sleep.' (See how I turned it around on 'em?) Mention the word sleep a couple more times and then if they ask again, play dead until they walk away.

THE ENVIRONMENT
Hey, have you ever noticed that the words "scientist" and "terrorist" have the same three letters at the end? Coincidence? Well here' another coincidence for you: they both hate Jesus. Scientists don't believe in him and terrorists are too far away from America to have ever heard of him. Scientists want to get people to stop buying American made cars so that they can start buying cars from non-Jesus believing countries like Japan.

So Al Gore made a movie. Big deal. You telling me that I could make a movie where I say a bunch of made-up words like ecology and polar bear and everyone would believe me too? Like, I could just get up there with my little baton and my PowerPoint presentation about how I am awesome and deserve to drive a monster truck wherever I go and all of a sudden Bigfoot would be at my door? Because if so, I will make that movie.

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Thank you, and God Bless America.