Dear Secretary Seinfeld, (Rumsfeld)
I red (read) you're leaving the department of offense (Department of Defense). Thank you for all of your hard work typing, answering phones, sending out memos and greeting everyone who passed you with a warm smile. I know a lot of people think that' girl' work, but they're wrong. It's woman's work. (Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is the head of the Department of Defense, he is not the Pentagon' office secretary, as you seem to be implying. Also, to say anything is "girl's work" would be considered sexist by many, as I've told you the numerous times when you've referred to my job as such. Saying that it is "woman's work" does not add any more dignity to this statement.)
We've come a long way with the offense (Defense!) department. When I moved into the White House the Pentagon was just sitting there not doing anything. I remember when I first walked in I yelled, "Get up you lazy bums!! Get up and blow something up!!!" I kept shouting louder and louder. Finally I realized I was nowhere near the Pentagon. I was at the Lincoln Memorial. I was a little embarrassed and didn't want the people inside to know I had gone to the wrong place so I pretended like I meant to be yelling at Lincoln "Get up!! Get up right now you lazy President!! I command you!!! Blow something up!!" Lincoln just sat there like a gentleman. I almost felt guilty that he was fired and I was hired as his replacement, but then I thought, if Lincoln were in my shoes he'd have taken the job. Needless to say, I got those lazy bums at the Pentagon off their feet and exploding things right away. (This is a strange story that adds nothing to this letter. At best it makes you sound as if you don't know your way around Washington. At worst, it makes you seem completely insane. Also, Abraham Lincoln was not fired and you were not hired, you were elected. Additionally, you and Lincoln did not exist in the same century, therefore you could not have succeeded him.)
Remember that time when Kramer made you switch apartments with him because Kenny Rogers Roasters was shining its lights into his window and you found out that Newman was bringing him food from the restaurant and Kramer was eating chicken in your bed? Did that make you mad? (He' not Seinfeld!)
I'll never forget 9/11. I remember it was a cool October evening (9/11 occurred in September, not October) when I read what happened. I talked with the Pentagon about it, you might have been there, I don't remember (of course he was there, he was your Secretary of Defense!). Anyway, I said, "How can we get revenge?" and someone said, "We can hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden" and I turned to that guy and I said, "No, that' just what he'll be expecting." Then I paused and said, " Let's invade Iraq. He'll never expect that.' Flash forward 15 years (it has only been five years since 9/11). I'm proud to say that under my Presidency and under you being a secretary, Osama bin Laden is probably still surprised.
(First, you should never admit to anyone, ever, that your rationale behind invading Iraq was to simply "surprise" Osama bin Laden, or that Iraq was worth the cost because you "probably" surprised him. Second, your advisors told you what happened on 9/11 shortly after the attacks. Saying that you read about it, in the evening, makes it sound as if you were completely out of touch, since the attacks happened in the morning. Also, again, this letter keeps making it seem as if you don't have any idea who Secretary Rumsfeld is. You know him! You would know him if you saw him!)
After all, the best form of defense is a good offense. Heh, heh, heh. Ha ha. AH HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHA
Well now, I've a good offense! Ah HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Seriously though.
(I'm not sure why this is funny but you shouldn't type your laughter into a letter. Just as a side note here, the rhythm of the laughter you have typed is confusing. You seem to start off mildly laughing at your own joke, then you burst into hysterical laughter, as though you didn't understand it until shortly after you wrote it.)
Anyway, you got a bright future ahead of you (he' 74!). I want to wish you the very best of luck. If you ever want to apply for Pentagon Secretary jobs at other countries, go ahead and use me as a reference.
Ex-oh, ex-oh, (This is usually spelled xoxo, which means hugs and kisses, an inappropriate valediction to leave a resigning Secretary of Defense.)
P.S. Ã¢â‚¬" Did you know that George won the contest because he cheated? (He' not Seinfeld!!!)
(Concerning your final paragraph: Other countries do not have "Pentagons." I assume you mean Departments of Defense. If Secretary Rumsfeld was to try and become the head of another country's defense department, as you seem to be encouraging him to do, it would be a national scandal and security crisis, since he knows so many secrets.)
(Overall, I'm pleased that you've started using standard paragraphs as I've advised, and stopped trying to put them in animal shapes. This letter, however, does need major work. It seems as if you don't know who Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is at all. I will rework this right away and send it to Mr. Rumsfeld. In the meantime, we'll start working on your speech to announce the new secretary and remember, do not refer to it as woman' work!)