6 Hilarious Old-Timey Versions of Modern Vices The 5 Worst Things About Getting a Job in a Small Town The 6 Most Undeserving Lottery Winners in History

For Christ's Sake with Pat Robertson

Many from the liberal Jewish media were jumping down my throat when I said that the US government should take out Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez. Well, this rambling diatribe is my response to them.

"Taking someone out" does not necessarily mean killing them. I was simply saying that we should take Chavez out on a date, perhaps dinner and a movie. Something with that Antonio Banderas would probably appeal to Chavez- any swarthy Spanish type will do.

There might be handholding, yes, but none of that non-Christian necking that the teenagers are into these days. And if Chavez happens to, say, get shot by a high-performance rifle on our date, well so be it. We can't be blamed for his roiling, equatorial hormones.

Well, I am going to go out on a limb today and make another bold statement about US foreign policy.

I think we need to take out Colombia's Juan Valdez. I am tired of his policy of addicting Americans to that dark, sinister vixen: the coffee bean. Can we afford to let this mustachioed maverick infiltrate our society and schools, addicting our children? The CIA has the capacity to pinpoint Juan Valdez, and his mule, and take them out.

And frankly, come to think of it, I don't care much for that Antonio Banderas either. I was at the Wal-Mart the other day and saw this heathen Banderas has his own cologne out. Now who would want to smell like a Spaniard? I'll just roll around in mule manure, thank you very much.

Next blog: How I feel about my gardener, Jose.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

8 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!