#5. "Follow Me" - Uncle Kracker
Spinning beats for tit aficionado Kid Rock, looking like he could kill you
Kid Rock' tattooed, gold-grilled DJ came entirely incorrect when he embarked on a solo career that baffles the mind in 1999. After playing a large part in creating Rock' fight-inducing rap-rock hits like "I Am the Bullgod" and "Bawitdaba," Uncle Kracker put out a top-40 shitbomb that was as far away from his Detroit hip-hop roots as John Goodman is from the 150-pound mark. In his first hit, "Follow Me," the man-titted clown' biggest Kid Rock-style boast is that he'll "be the one to tuck you in at night." And with that, Uncle Kracker went from the shady criminal behind Kid Rock' turntables to the sensitive man-boy you'd like to drill in the teeth with a pitching wedge.
#4. "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith
Prior Interests: Fucking in elevators, making their daughters strip in their music videos
When Aerosmith was contacted by the producers of slow-motion-whore space adventure, Armageddon, they should've just reprised their shtick from the late '80s, written a song about fucking in a spaceship and called it a day. But instead-apparently touched by Ben Affleck' deft performance in the film-they wrote a soft rock mini-opera that would've been more at home on a Richard Marx album. "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" officially marked the former hard rockers' transformation into old creepy skinbags when Steven Tyler sang about how he wanted to kiss someone' eyes-an unnatural sexual act that, frankly, is terrifying.
#3. "Game of Love" - Carlos Santana (with Michelle Branch)
Prior Interests: Taking acid, shredding in a distinctly Mexican manner, taking acid
It' easy enough to forgive the master of the Latino rock guitar for collaborating with the inexplicably popular Rob Thomas on the 1999 hit "Smooth." Sure, it was a musical abortion, but it still kind of counted as rock, and Santana worked in an okay solo or two. But as soon as Santana caught a whiff of late-career commercial success, he sprinted back into the studio and crapped out another album of collaborations. Only this time, they were with singers even worse than Rob Thomas, and the songs had all the allure of an inside-out puppy. The most high-profile single from that album (2002' Shaman), was his collaboration with whiney non-star Michelle Branch, and quite frankly, it stinks.
#2. "Hot Hot Hot" - Buster Poindexter
Prior Interests: Freaking out squares, helping invent punk rock
Heroin-loving punk rockers The New York Dolls made it cool to look like insane transvestites long before performers like Poison or Kelly Clarkson. But after the Dolls split in the mid-'70s, frontman David Johansen was left with a lot of time-and, presumably, a lot of smack-on his hands. He returned to the limelight in 1987, but this time, as annoying party-boy Buster Poindexter, the rotten son-of-a-bitch who came up with that "Hot Hot Hot" song that' infected every wedding, prom, bar mitzvah and key party you've ever been to. Johansen' transformation from a terrifying punk icon into the cartoonish, family-friendly Poindexter is roughly the same as DMX becoming a florist-a really, really flamboyant florist.
#1. "Dancing in the Streets" - Mick Jagger (with David Bowie)
Prior Interests: Group sex with models, street-fighting, resisting the pull of wild horses
The frontman of arguably the greatest rock band ever assembled had a lot of explaining to do in 1985 when he released this cover of Martha and the Vandellas' G-rated Motown anthem, "Dancing in the Streets," with David Bowie. A far cry from the Stones sex- and drug-fueled glory days, the song-and particularly its homoerotic video-left a lot of fans asking if Jagger had been referring to a man' no-no spot when he sang about "Brown Sugar." (In contrast, this is the most badass thing David Bowie had ever done.) There' literally nothing we can write that'll adequately describe the sheer, utter non-badass-ness of Jagger' foray into bubble gum pop, so please watch for yourself. And make sure you have a wooden spoon handy to bite down on.